Completely Made-up Omens Which Will Probably Come True
Send E. Jean's
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Today's Horrorscope Monday January 5th |
If Your Birthday Is Today You share a birthday with Diane Keaton, she's 63 but her legs are JUST turning 18.
-Tiffany Michelle Long
Aries
[March 21 - April 19]
 Don't worry about your panty-line this evening, nobody is looking that far down. -Tiffany Michelle Long
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Taurus
[April 20 - May 20]
 Asking Bon Jovi to sing at your foreclosure fundraiser will only put you further in debt. -Tiffany Michelle Long
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Gemini
[May 21 - June 20]
 Today, you will give in to your need for mindless entertainment. -Adrianne Frost
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Cancer
[June 21 - July 22]
 Fistfights will be your new aphrodisiac. -Tiffany Michelle Long
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Leo
[July 23 - August 22]
 This week, you will wish you had married "up." -Adrianne Frost
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Virgo
[August 23 - September 23]
 This year you will try Ricky Gervais's cure for obesity and "go for a f---ing run." -Tiffany Michelle Long
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Libra
[September 24 - October 22]
 Tonight you will triple your chances of making headlines by being double the legal limit. -Tiffany Michelle Long
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Scorpio
[October 23 - November 22]
 It would be wise to have a d--- in your mouth at work today. - Tiffany Michelle Long
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Sagittarius
[November 23 - December 24]
 Today, you will reconsider what "a real man" means. -Adrianne Frost
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Capricorn
[December 25 - January 19]
 It's Ted Lange's birthday, too. You can visit him on the Pacific Princess, where he is now REALLY a bartender. -Adrianne Frost
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Aquarius
[January 20 - February 18]
 In a fierce competition, Kate Hudson wins the lead in the Amy Winehouse Bio Pick: I'm a Whore, Prostitute, Heroin Addict. - Tiffany Michelle Long
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Pisces
[February 19 - March 20]
 When you can cry with 14 pounds of makeup on and not smear ANY of it, you will have achieved the New Classy. -Tiffany Michelle Long
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The Dope Politoscope:
100% Guaranteed Fake Predictions for Politicians
Scientology kills.
-Tiffany Michelle Long
If you go to "your google" you'll discover that George H. W. Bush is just as stupid as his son.
If you go to "your google" you'll discover that George H. W. Bush is just as stupid as his son.
-Tiffany Michelle Long
Dick Cheney really believes they didn't "violate anyone's civil liberties" because he thinks it's still 1932.
Dick Cheney really believes they didn't "violate anyone's civil liberties" because he thinks it's still 1932.
-Tiffany Michelle Long
If you're still expecting honesty from your politicians then you're going to end up needing therapy.
If you're still expecting honesty from your politicians then you're going to end up needing therapy.
-Tiffany Michelle Long
Boris Johnson, Mayor of London said the following to Gordon Brown, Britain's Prime Minister:
"Bring it on, you great big quivering gelatinous invertebrate jelly of indecision."
The Dope Astrologer only hopes the entire political world mimics such commentary.
Boris Johnson, Mayor of London said the following to Gordon Brown, Britain's Prime Minister:
"Bring it on, you great big quivering gelatinous invertebrate jelly of indecision."
The Dope Astrologer only hopes the entire political world mimics such commentary.
-Tiffany Michelle Long
George Bush doesn't understand why everyone wants him to cut his vacation short to deal with the Gaza Strip... he thinks it's a mall.
-Tiffany Michelle Long
Condoleezza!! You will advance quickly at your new job as a Stripper Pole Dance Instructor.
-Tiffany Michelle Long
The Dope Blogoscope:
A Quack Recommends the Best and Worst of the Blogosphere
The Good
Ever wonder about the true meaning of Christmas? This kid definitely has it figured out.
-Jilly Gagnon
-Jilly Gagnon
The Bad
Dita Von Teese is fabulous, beautiful, stunning, a sexual awakening for us all, but really, pilates in cinch-waisted dresses? That is not aspirational.
-Jilly Gagnon
The Terrible
Among the things that Bill O'Reilly learned in 2008: lib'rul meed-ja is biased, dammit! Not among them: humility.
-Jilly Gagnon
