Completely Made-up Omens Which Will Probably Come True

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Today's
Horrorscope

Monday January 5th



If Your Birthday Is Today You share a birthday with Diane Keaton, she's 63 but her legs are JUST turning 18.

-Tiffany Michelle Long

Aries [March 21 - April 19]

Don't worry about your panty-line this evening, nobody is looking that far down.
-Tiffany Michelle Long

Taurus [April 20 - May 20]

Asking Bon Jovi to sing at your foreclosure fundraiser will only put you further in debt.
-Tiffany Michelle Long

Gemini [May 21 - June 20]

Today, you will give in to your need for mindless entertainment.
-Adrianne Frost

Cancer [June 21 - July 22]

Fistfights will be your new aphrodisiac.
-Tiffany Michelle Long

Leo [July 23 - August 22]

This week, you will wish you had married "up."
-Adrianne Frost

Virgo [August 23 - September 23]

This  year you will try Ricky Gervais's cure for obesity and "go for a f---ing run."
-Tiffany Michelle Long

Libra [September 24 - October 22]

Tonight you will triple your chances of  making headlines by being double the legal limit.
-Tiffany Michelle Long

Scorpio [October 23 - November 22]

It would be wise to have a d--- in your mouth at work today.
- Tiffany Michelle Long

Sagittarius [November 23 - December 24]

Today, you will reconsider what "a real man" means.
-Adrianne Frost

Capricorn [December 25 - January 19]

It's Ted Lange's birthday, too. You can visit him on the Pacific Princess, where he is now REALLY a bartender.
-Adrianne Frost

Aquarius [January 20 - February 18]

In a fierce competition, Kate Hudson wins the lead in the Amy Winehouse Bio Pick: I'm a Whore, Prostitute, Heroin Addict.
- Tiffany Michelle Long

Pisces [February 19 - March 20]

When you can cry with 14 pounds of makeup on and not smear ANY of it, you will have achieved the New Classy.
-Tiffany Michelle Long


 

The Dope Politoscope:
100% Guaranteed Fake Predictions for Politicians





Scientology kills.


-Tiffany Michelle Long




If you go to "your google" you'll discover that George H. W. Bush is just as stupid as his son.



-Tiffany Michelle Long




Dick Cheney really believes they didn't "violate anyone's civil liberties" because he thinks it's still 1932.


-Tiffany Michelle Long




If you're still expecting honesty from your politicians then you're going to end up needing therapy.


-Tiffany Michelle Long




Boris Johnson, Mayor of London said the following to Gordon Brown, Britain's Prime Minister:
"Bring it on, you great big quivering gelatinous invertebrate jelly of indecision."
The Dope Astrologer only hopes the entire political world mimics such commentary.

-Tiffany Michelle Long




George Bush doesn't understand why everyone wants him to cut his vacation short to deal with the Gaza Strip... he thinks it's a mall.


-Tiffany Michelle Long








Condoleezza!! You will advance quickly at your new job as a Stripper Pole Dance Instructor.


-Tiffany Michelle Long





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The Dope Blogoscope:
A Quack Recommends the Best and Worst of the Blogosphere



The Good



Ever wonder about the true meaning of Christmas? This kid definitely has it figured out.

-Jilly Gagnon


The Bad

Dita Von Teese is fabulous, beautiful, stunning, a sexual awakening for us all, but really, pilates in cinch-waisted dresses? That is not aspirational.

 



-Jilly Gagnon

The Terrible

Among the things that Bill O'Reilly learned in 2008: lib'rul meed-ja is biased, dammit! Not among them: humility.




-Jilly Gagnon