Marriage-Ability: The Lost Art of Cuddling

by: Erica McCully
University of Tampa
The Minaret

The abhorred notion that is cuddling has been documented by the media, namely in an episode of the British sitcom Coupling. (For those of you who have not seen it, think Friends, but raunchier and at times funnier.) After sex, the girlfriend wants the man to stay at her apartment, so that they may snuggle in bed. She craves connection, while he simply wants to go back to his apartment and sleep in his own bed. His feelings become manifested in a very odd chess-related dream, in which his girlfriend outmaneuvers him to make him stay with her. He has been, in his mind, utterly and viciously defeated.

But why, I ask you, is the connotation of cuddling so negative? Sex is an act of connection, of intertwining, of becoming at one with your partner. Is not cuddling an act of the same nature? Perhaps these similarities are what led to cuddling being instilled as a necessary after-sex activity. Post-coital, one feels the need to connect with a partner on a more emotional than physical level. For cuddling, I think, is more about emotions—it is about taking a moment in recumbence to bond. One could claim it to be more intimate than sex, for it is less primal and more about simply being joyful to be in a love’s arms, but that might be stretching it.

In this day and age of many partners, the thought of an intimacy greater than the span of time an orgasm takes to achieve can invoke horror. To cure commitment issues for all of humanity is far beyond the scope of a humble advice columnist. However, speculation into these reasons is not. Space issues are a central theme in relationships. In fact, one of the reasons I began to fall in love with my now-husband was his respect of my privacy and space. If I needed time alone, he would give me that. Perhaps after sex noncuddlers desire a moment alone to cool down, to realign their own thoughts. I personally respond to intrusions on my side of the bed by kicking, so it’s quite possible I’m not one to talk about love-hugs. I abhor cuddling when I’m trying to sleep, because I simply do not understand how it can be comfortable to be scrunched up in a little ball.

But I enjoy cuddling at other times. One must wonder if perhaps that is the solution to making cuddling more positive: shifting when it is done. When not associated with coupling, it becomes an act of love, of demonstrating your desire to just spend time with your partner. You can cuddle with your back against his stomach, arms wrapped around each other in bliss. Or you can choose to cuddle on the bed next to each other, starring into your partner’s eyes. You may find that this is the ultimate romantic expression as you memorize the lines that form your love’s face, the soft, gentle curves of the chin and the flicks of color in eyes that look back at your own face. When I look at my husband, really truly take the time to just examine, I realize once again how much I love him. And that, I feel, is a true benefit of cuddling.

So perhaps there is no solution for the male’s reputed desire to leave after sex; perhaps there is no quick way of getting through the message “your intimacy issues are not involved here,” aside from saying just that. (Which I wouldn’t recommend.) But for heaven’s sake, if your partner wants to cuddle—whether or not it’s after sex--grant them that moment to relish your own beauty. Is that not what relationships are about, the bond between the two partners? Godspeed, cuddlers, and good increasing of your bond.