Ask E. Jean - Tormented? Driven Witless? Whipsawed by confusion?

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I don't like my boyfriend's friends.

Not because they're bad people and I've never tried to limit his exposure to them, for the record, but they're not my kinda people. They're shallow, boring, immature, alcoholics, and they don't care for me much either.

I have been nice and I got to a point where it felt disingenuous so I stopped being 'nice' and started being civil instead because that's easier for me. I've also asked that if my bf wants to see them that they go somewhere else to party because 1 friend in particular is quite disrespectful but too stupid to understand the concept.

Is it a bad thing that I'm not involved in his social circle and vice versa?

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    As with most things, it depends.

    1. Do you have any mutual friends? Because most studies show that couples with mutual "couple friends" tend to have a better shot at staying together.

    2. Are these just old buddies of his from school that he has outgrown yet still hangs around because they've been his friends for awhile? Or does he still gravitate toward making this sort of friend even now? Because if it's the first, that's understandable. If it's the second, he has some growing up to do as well and it does raise a red flag about your future with him.

    reply to Jill
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    Jill wrote: As with most things, it depends. 1. Do you have any mutual friends? Because most studies show that couples with mutual "couple friends" tend to have a better shot at staying together. 2. Are these just old buddies of his from school that he has outgrown yet still hangs around because they've been his friends for awhile? Or does he still gravitate toward making this sort of friend even now? Because if it's the first, that's understandable. If it's the second, he has some growing up to do as well and it does raise a red flag about your future with him.

    #1) We don't have any mutual friends, not because we don't want any and we both get along well enough with each other's pals (like I said, I've been civil) but we haven't made any new friends and the only other couple I know are so dramatic I can't stomach it. We do have 1 friend that is equally 'ours.'

    #2) These are friends that have been in his life a long time so I know they're important to him and look up to him. He has expressed to me how they're stupid or immature and I know he wants more mentally stimulating company (we have awesome, thought provoking conversation) but it's harder to find in Hicksville. I too have had issues making meaningful friends who challenge and stimulate me so we're both in that situation together -- and it's one of our favorite things about each other.

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    Ah - then no worries. It's not a bad thing to avoid your boyfriend's friends if they are bothersome, as long as your boyfriend respects that choice. It becomes a problem if it's an on-going choice on his part to make friends like he has currently, but that's not what you describe. Hopefully, the both of you will have opportunities in the future to find like-minded friends!

    reply to Jill
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    Jill wrote: Ah - then no worries. It's not a bad thing to avoid your boyfriend's friends if they are bothersome, as long as your boyfriend respects that choice. It becomes a problem if it's an on-going choice on his part to make friends like he has currently, but that's not what you describe. Hopefully, the both of you will have opportunities in the future to find like-minded friends!

    I hope so too. For instance, the 1 disrespectful friend asked my bf if I would give him a ride today. I said no because I'm not just a set of wheels and he never wants to talk to me unless there's something in it for him.

    RUDE

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    I agree with Jill, it depends. So far I'm reading that you're being civil, and standing up for yourself by refusing to let yourself be used as a chauffeur for rides, so from here, it does not sound like a bad thing at all. What do you and your boyfriend like to do together, and could you take a group class with other people who like to do that activity? Example: join a softball league. You two get to spend more quality time together and maybe make new friends together, so it's a win for everyone. Good luck!

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