Oh, Barbara. I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this.
Of course you want your boyfriend to be there for you and to be sweet and supportive! But, judging from everything you've posted about him on this site, I think he's just not mature enough to put his own feelings aside for anyone else's. Even yours.
I think that he's as scared and confused as you are, but he doesn't have your emotional resources to deal with any of it, so he alternately lashes out and shuts down. This isn't the first time he's acted this way, and it just breaks my heart to see you trying so hard to get through to him.
Unfortunately, I don't think you can, honey. I would lean on your sister and your friends as much as possible. He's doing the best he can, but he just isn't mature enough to handle this with any strength or grace.
I wish I had something more positive to offer you, but huge, strong, hugs and tons of support are all I've got. I hope it helps.
Of course you want your boyfriend to be there for you and to be sweet and supportive! But, judging from everything you've posted about him on this site, I think he's just not mature enough to put his own feelings aside for anyone else's. Even yours.
I think that he's as scared and confused as you are, but he doesn't have your emotional resources to deal with any of it, so he alternately lashes out and shuts down. This isn't the first time he's acted this way, and it just breaks my heart to see you trying so hard to get through to him.
Unfortunately, I don't think you can, honey. I would lean on your sister and your friends as much as possible. He's doing the best he can, but he just isn't mature enough to handle this with any strength or grace.
I wish I had something more positive to offer you, but huge, strong, hugs and tons of support are all I've got. I hope it helps.
reply to Robynne
send this answer to a friendRobynne wrote: Oh, Barbara. I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this.
Of course you want your boyfriend to be there for you and to be sweet and supportive! But, judging from everything you've posted about him on this site, I think he's just not mature enough to put his own feelings aside for anyone else's. Even yours.
I think that he's as scared and confused as you are, but he doesn't have your emotional resources to deal with any of it, so he alternately lashes out and shuts down. This isn't the first time he's acted this way, and it just breaks my heart to see you trying so hard to get through to him.
Unfortunately, I don't think you can, honey. I would lean on your sister and your friends as much as possible. He's doing the best he can, but he just isn't mature enough to handle this with any strength or grace.
I wish I had something more positive to offer you, but huge, strong, hugs and tons of support are all I've got. I hope it helps.
reply to Barbara
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Hi Brynne, thank you so much <3.
I don't believe he can really be emotionally mature either. After this is over, I just don't know anymore. He was acting so good the past few days so I was really surprised and pleased. And now this happened. I feel so rotten.
I am so upset about how he's acting because I can't have him doing this right now, I don't need to feel like I have relationship problems on top of everything. However, things cant always be ideal when you need them to be. I can't believe this though. I will definitely be using my sister and friends for support however, for sure. That is just going to have to be enough.
I feel I *need* to talk to him again about how he's acting, because now I feel like I'm going crazy. But it always ends in him being upset with me, that I'm upset with him. Then he gets defensive, and no surprise, shuts down.
I don't believe he can really be emotionally mature either. After this is over, I just don't know anymore. He was acting so good the past few days so I was really surprised and pleased. And now this happened. I feel so rotten.
I am so upset about how he's acting because I can't have him doing this right now, I don't need to feel like I have relationship problems on top of everything. However, things cant always be ideal when you need them to be. I can't believe this though. I will definitely be using my sister and friends for support however, for sure. That is just going to have to be enough.
I feel I *need* to talk to him again about how he's acting, because now I feel like I'm going crazy. But it always ends in him being upset with me, that I'm upset with him. Then he gets defensive, and no surprise, shuts down.
reply to Barbara
send this answer to a friendBarbara wrote: Hi Brynne, thank you so much <3.
I don't believe he can really be emotionally mature either. After this is over, I just don't know anymore. He was acting so good the past few days so I was really surprised and pleased. And now this happened. I feel so rotten.
I am so upset about how he's acting because I can't have him doing this right now, I don't need to feel like I have relationship problems on top of everything. However, things cant always be ideal when you need them to be. I can't believe this though. I will definitely be using my sister and friends for support however, for sure. That is just going to have to be enough.
I feel I *need* to talk to him again about how he's acting, because now I feel like I'm going crazy. But it always ends in him being upset with me, that I'm upset with him. Then he gets defensive, and no surprise, shuts down.
reply to Robynne
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Well, one thing at a time. Right now, you have to focus on *you*.
And also just kind of accept that you're going to feel rotten for awhile. It's not pleasant; but it's normal, and it's okay, and it will pass.
Once you have your feet back under you, you can decide what -- if anything -- you need to do about this relationship. In the meantime, just remember every second that you're not alone.
And also just kind of accept that you're going to feel rotten for awhile. It's not pleasant; but it's normal, and it's okay, and it will pass.
Once you have your feet back under you, you can decide what -- if anything -- you need to do about this relationship. In the meantime, just remember every second that you're not alone.
reply to Robynne
send this answer to a friendI seem to recall that he has acted in a similar way in other high stress situations.
Some people simply do not handle stress well at ALL. Many men have a tendency to become brusque and dismiss women's concerns because they do not have a damn clue as to what they are supposed to do and even if they do, it does not fit in with what they feel capable of doing.
The one thing particular to this is that he is now talking about you not having an abortion and if he really is having any second thoughts, then that would also account for his behavior now.
I am guessing that he does not have anyone to talk to either and that leaves you. This is not to say that you must put up with anything you feel is unreasonable, but guys are not stress free either.
And realistically, and unfortunately, if he is really having second thoughts about how he feels the two of you need to talk more because while it is your body and your choice, the guy on the other end of the equation are going to have thoughts about it too.
They may not be thinking practically, and I think this may be the case here. It is easy to think it will be easy when you are not the one who is pregnant and has to deal first hand with the consequences but in some ways, I find the fact that he is engaged better than if he were completely callous.
Does that make sense?
Some people simply do not handle stress well at ALL. Many men have a tendency to become brusque and dismiss women's concerns because they do not have a damn clue as to what they are supposed to do and even if they do, it does not fit in with what they feel capable of doing.
The one thing particular to this is that he is now talking about you not having an abortion and if he really is having any second thoughts, then that would also account for his behavior now.
I am guessing that he does not have anyone to talk to either and that leaves you. This is not to say that you must put up with anything you feel is unreasonable, but guys are not stress free either.
And realistically, and unfortunately, if he is really having second thoughts about how he feels the two of you need to talk more because while it is your body and your choice, the guy on the other end of the equation are going to have thoughts about it too.
They may not be thinking practically, and I think this may be the case here. It is easy to think it will be easy when you are not the one who is pregnant and has to deal first hand with the consequences but in some ways, I find the fact that he is engaged better than if he were completely callous.
Does that make sense?
reply to Josephine
send this answer to a friendJosephine wrote: I seem to recall that he has acted in a similar way in other high stress situations.
Some people simply do not handle stress well at ALL. Many men have a tendency to become brusque and dismiss women's concerns because they do not have a damn clue as to what they are supposed to do and even if they do, it does not fit in with what they feel capable of doing.
The one thing particular to this is that he is now talking about you not having an abortion and if he really is having any second thoughts, then that would also account for his behavior now.
I am guessing that he does not have anyone to talk to either and that leaves you. This is not to say that you must put up with anything you feel is unreasonable, but guys are not stress free either.
And realistically, and unfortunately, if he is really having second thoughts about how he feels the two of you need to talk more because while it is your body and your choice, the guy on the other end of the equation are going to have thoughts about it too.
They may not be thinking practically, and I think this may be the case here. It is easy to think it will be easy when you are not the one who is pregnant and has to deal first hand with the consequences but in some ways, I find the fact that he is engaged better than if he were completely callous.
Does that make sense?
reply to Barbara
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Hi Josephine,
Thank you very much. Yes, that makes perfect sense. And yeah he has definitely acted this way in the past. I figured that he's acting this way for a few reasons.
I have no doubt he feels like he wants to keep it. However, he has proven to me to be difficult and immature in the past. And he just turned 21. He has two years left of college. Many times I feel he is emotionally abusive and controlling, and I don't think he's thinking rationally about what having a child really entails as you've mentioned.
We've discussed several times so far that I feel we are in no financial position. We both live at home still. He is starting to make me feel bad and guilty which I do not approve of in anyway. Unfortunately I think it has to do with the fact that he can't handle stress, and as Brynne pointed out, isn't mature enough to really empathize with someone else's feelings.
I really, really, really wish there was a way to get through to him. I may just have to give up. I want to talk to him again later tonight but don't know what to say anymore.
Thank you very much. Yes, that makes perfect sense. And yeah he has definitely acted this way in the past. I figured that he's acting this way for a few reasons.
I have no doubt he feels like he wants to keep it. However, he has proven to me to be difficult and immature in the past. And he just turned 21. He has two years left of college. Many times I feel he is emotionally abusive and controlling, and I don't think he's thinking rationally about what having a child really entails as you've mentioned.
We've discussed several times so far that I feel we are in no financial position. We both live at home still. He is starting to make me feel bad and guilty which I do not approve of in anyway. Unfortunately I think it has to do with the fact that he can't handle stress, and as Brynne pointed out, isn't mature enough to really empathize with someone else's feelings.
I really, really, really wish there was a way to get through to him. I may just have to give up. I want to talk to him again later tonight but don't know what to say anymore.
reply to Barbara
send this answer to a friendBarbara wrote: Hi Josephine,
Thank you very much. Yes, that makes perfect sense. And yeah he has definitely acted this way in the past. I figured that he's acting this way for a few reasons.
I have no doubt he feels like he wants to keep it. However, he has proven to me to be difficult and immature in the past. And he just turned 21. He has two years left of college. Many times I feel he is emotionally abusive and controlling, and I don't think he's thinking rationally about what having a child really entails as you've mentioned.
We've discussed several times so far that I feel we are in no financial position. We both live at home still. He is starting to make me feel bad and guilty which I do not approve of in anyway. Unfortunately I think it has to do with the fact that he can't handle stress, and as Brynne pointed out, isn't mature enough to really empathize with someone else's feelings.
I really, really, really wish there was a way to get through to him. I may just have to give up. I want to talk to him again later tonight but don't know what to say anymore.
reply to Josephine
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I think I would just tell him that you know he feels conflicted but that there really is no other choice right now. If you were taking birth control then it is obvious you were trying to avoid a pregnancy because now is not the right time. The circumstances have not changed.
If you acknowledge his feelings there really is not much more that you can do. If he persists in trying to make you feel bad, then you may just have to walk away.
I know you don't want to think about that right now either but again, what can you do? You are the one thinking it through not him. Kids are not toys. They take a lifetime of commitment and they deserve to have that commitment which is why, even now, your thought process is much more realistic and his is not.
I am sorry this is happening. I know how difficult it must be and I applaud you for making the strong, difficult choices you are making. I think going to PP is an excellent choice as they are knowledgeable, non-judgmental and supportive. Rely on them and your sister, acknowledge his conflict but tell him flat out you will not be manipulated and be assured in your own good judgement.
If you acknowledge his feelings there really is not much more that you can do. If he persists in trying to make you feel bad, then you may just have to walk away.
I know you don't want to think about that right now either but again, what can you do? You are the one thinking it through not him. Kids are not toys. They take a lifetime of commitment and they deserve to have that commitment which is why, even now, your thought process is much more realistic and his is not.
I am sorry this is happening. I know how difficult it must be and I applaud you for making the strong, difficult choices you are making. I think going to PP is an excellent choice as they are knowledgeable, non-judgmental and supportive. Rely on them and your sister, acknowledge his conflict but tell him flat out you will not be manipulated and be assured in your own good judgement.
reply to Josephine
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Oh man, you poor thing!
I'd tell Him flat out that you need his support right now and he is not being very supportive, or whatever the case may be. If he dosen't come around you will have to look to your sister for support as the others have said.
Big hugs!
I'd tell Him flat out that you need his support right now and he is not being very supportive, or whatever the case may be. If he dosen't come around you will have to look to your sister for support as the others have said.
Big hugs!
reply to Blondie
send this answer to a friendHi Barbara...
Ugh. Your boyfriend is handling this remarkably badly in just about every way, and I just want to add to the chorus of voices letting you know that It's Not You -- It's Him. In other words, don't beat yourself up if you can't get through to him. His lack of empathy (and other childish behaviours) means that there might not be a mature adult home to be gotten through to....
Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean that you can't try. But it does mean that it might be an exercise in futility, and that an absolute best-case scenario involves a slo-o-o-o-w dawning of a scintilla of understanding on his part, over a matter of months -- or longer.
My point (and I do have one!) is I'd hate to have you thinking, "If only I crafted the right words when I talked to him on Monday, he would have seen what he was doing and changed his ways on Tuesday!'' That scenario is just not, not, not going to happen.
So, as others have suggested, rely on PP, rely on your sister, and rely on your friends. Remember, you've got people you *can* rely on, including the support and encouragement of all of us here on AV...
I hope that helps, Barbara, at least a little!
Ugh. Your boyfriend is handling this remarkably badly in just about every way, and I just want to add to the chorus of voices letting you know that It's Not You -- It's Him. In other words, don't beat yourself up if you can't get through to him. His lack of empathy (and other childish behaviours) means that there might not be a mature adult home to be gotten through to....
Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean that you can't try. But it does mean that it might be an exercise in futility, and that an absolute best-case scenario involves a slo-o-o-o-w dawning of a scintilla of understanding on his part, over a matter of months -- or longer.
My point (and I do have one!) is I'd hate to have you thinking, "If only I crafted the right words when I talked to him on Monday, he would have seen what he was doing and changed his ways on Tuesday!'' That scenario is just not, not, not going to happen.
So, as others have suggested, rely on PP, rely on your sister, and rely on your friends. Remember, you've got people you *can* rely on, including the support and encouragement of all of us here on AV...
I hope that helps, Barbara, at least a little!
reply to Kal
send this answer to a friendLean on the ladies. This is unacceptable behaviour. My bf was there fore everything.
And remember what I said. Re-assess the relationship now. This is a key indicator if things to come. If he cannot support you now when you really need him, you know this already, theres no way *in hell* things would be different if you actually went through with having a baby. You would probably be more likely to end up on your own. So you need to stay strong.
Remember- you dont want to end up trapped in a relationship merely because you were pregnant once and went through a termination and fear keeps you there.
Think long and hard about what you want now. Things are more bad than good with this guy so no looking back with rose tinted glasses. It has to be real. Ive been there. Ive done it. And if you stick around, unhappy in an unhappy relationship, youre dragging out the inevitable. Remember- you deserve better than what youre currently getting :)
And remember what I said. Re-assess the relationship now. This is a key indicator if things to come. If he cannot support you now when you really need him, you know this already, theres no way *in hell* things would be different if you actually went through with having a baby. You would probably be more likely to end up on your own. So you need to stay strong.
Remember- you dont want to end up trapped in a relationship merely because you were pregnant once and went through a termination and fear keeps you there.
Think long and hard about what you want now. Things are more bad than good with this guy so no looking back with rose tinted glasses. It has to be real. Ive been there. Ive done it. And if you stick around, unhappy in an unhappy relationship, youre dragging out the inevitable. Remember- you deserve better than what youre currently getting :)
reply to Cass
send this answer to a friendThe ladies have said it: he's too selfish to worry about your feelings. Right now, it's all about him and his worries and why YOU'RE not comforting him. Well, maybe that's because you're about to have to do something completely terrible and could use some fucking support. Don't rely on him. I'd say to ditch him, but it's already high stress so maybe he's just acting badly. I would definitely not trust him to support you. He's proven himself to not be strong enough to be considered a real man.
You have the strength that you need. Right now, without him, and even without anyone else. Learn to rely on yourself, especially in these trying times, because these are the Times when the people you need let you down the most. I'm sorry you're going through this. If I could, I'd go with you because I KNOW how terrible it is. You are not making a mistake.
Please keep us updated on your health in all its many manifestations. Much love
You have the strength that you need. Right now, without him, and even without anyone else. Learn to rely on yourself, especially in these trying times, because these are the Times when the people you need let you down the most. I'm sorry you're going through this. If I could, I'd go with you because I KNOW how terrible it is. You are not making a mistake.
Please keep us updated on your health in all its many manifestations. Much love
reply to BirdofHermes
send this answer to a friendAll I can say is that *everyone* (you and he) is FREAKING OUT. which is totally appropriate
As hard as this is for you (and you know how INCREDIBLY TOTALLY F-ING FRIGHTENING it is) - *he* is going through something similar.
I just really logged in to remind you it's not an "operation", it's a procedure. It's scary and tiring and you should have someone there but try not to blow it up to even bigger than it feels. (this is supposed to be supportive not belittling).
You got off work, your work said yes, his said no. Can you imagine how stressful THAT feels?
I'm going to be perfectly honest now that I've looked back at the long question and see that this doesn't seem to be what he would choose if it were his choice (which, make sure we're on the same page, it's NOT). Maybe you can think about HIS feelings for a few minutes and discuss how HE's feeling about your choice.
Again, this is not to suggest that he will be making or swaying your decision, but it seems he should be heard.
"Seek first to understand then to be understood"
Can you arrange for a friend to take you and bring you home and then him come over and make you dinner and watch movies or whatever that night?
As hard as this is for you (and you know how INCREDIBLY TOTALLY F-ING FRIGHTENING it is) - *he* is going through something similar.
I just really logged in to remind you it's not an "operation", it's a procedure. It's scary and tiring and you should have someone there but try not to blow it up to even bigger than it feels. (this is supposed to be supportive not belittling).
You got off work, your work said yes, his said no. Can you imagine how stressful THAT feels?
I'm going to be perfectly honest now that I've looked back at the long question and see that this doesn't seem to be what he would choose if it were his choice (which, make sure we're on the same page, it's NOT). Maybe you can think about HIS feelings for a few minutes and discuss how HE's feeling about your choice.
Again, this is not to suggest that he will be making or swaying your decision, but it seems he should be heard.
"Seek first to understand then to be understood"
Can you arrange for a friend to take you and bring you home and then him come over and make you dinner and watch movies or whatever that night?
reply to Miss Beth
send this answer to a friendThank you **very** much to all the additional vixens who chimed in. it really feels good knowing that i can re-read these to help me feel better.
And miss beth, thank you, yes, i agree, he is totally freaking out as well. he has every right to feel as scared and overwhelmed as i do.
he has agreed to take me there, and stay for the full time. however, i may just have him take me there, and my sister pick me up. i haven't decided yet. that way he can be not as late to work.
but i have little sympathy anymore. ive been beyond considerate to him. we've talked in length about both of our feelings, including his. he has proven at times to be emotionally immature in the past, so i am not surprised of his negative reaction on the phone the other day. many of my close mature friends believe he is thinking irrationally wanting to raise a child at 21 years old, when he has two years left of college, and cant keep his drinking habits under control, and still has a desire to find himself. a baby cannot have a baby, as i firmly believe. i say that without trying to sound too harsh, but he is no way leaps or bounds ready for a child. i dont think he is thinking in his right mind. he needs to cut his pouting and suck it up so he can be supportive for my abortion.
ive done my best to be beyondddddd considerate for his feelings now, and in the past. i've given too much already to him, and now more than ever i need him to give back to me. as many of the vixens agree on, i may not be able to get what i really need from him at this time, and i understand that. i just have to accept it. i have many other wonderful support sources, including the vixens very thankfully. <3 <3 <3
And miss beth, thank you, yes, i agree, he is totally freaking out as well. he has every right to feel as scared and overwhelmed as i do.
he has agreed to take me there, and stay for the full time. however, i may just have him take me there, and my sister pick me up. i haven't decided yet. that way he can be not as late to work.
but i have little sympathy anymore. ive been beyond considerate to him. we've talked in length about both of our feelings, including his. he has proven at times to be emotionally immature in the past, so i am not surprised of his negative reaction on the phone the other day. many of my close mature friends believe he is thinking irrationally wanting to raise a child at 21 years old, when he has two years left of college, and cant keep his drinking habits under control, and still has a desire to find himself. a baby cannot have a baby, as i firmly believe. i say that without trying to sound too harsh, but he is no way leaps or bounds ready for a child. i dont think he is thinking in his right mind. he needs to cut his pouting and suck it up so he can be supportive for my abortion.
ive done my best to be beyondddddd considerate for his feelings now, and in the past. i've given too much already to him, and now more than ever i need him to give back to me. as many of the vixens agree on, i may not be able to get what i really need from him at this time, and i understand that. i just have to accept it. i have many other wonderful support sources, including the vixens very thankfully. <3 <3 <3
reply to Barbara
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Okay, I haven't said much, but this is really rankling me...you're having an abortion, one of the most emotionally exhausting, difficult decisions you'll ever make in your life - and this jerk is afraid to be late for WORK??
Darling, ditch this guy. You're so, so above him.
Darling, ditch this guy. You're so, so above him.
reply to ehvwon
send this answer to a friendehvwon wrote: Okay, I haven't said much, but this is really rankling me...you're having an abortion, one of the most emotionally exhausting, difficult decisions you'll ever make in your life - and this jerk is afraid to be late for WORK??
Darling, ditch this guy. You're so, so above him.
reply to Barbara
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thank you AV1. yes. yes. yes.
my gut knows how he is wrong.
i wish i didn't have to feel this about him right now, but oh well. now it when anyone would show their true colors.
my gut knows how he is wrong.
i wish i didn't have to feel this about him right now, but oh well. now it when anyone would show their true colors.
reply to Barbara
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This morning I called and made my appointment for the operation at Planned Parenthood, this Saturday the 7th.
I needed to make the appointment before July 10th, because that's when my boyfriend leaves for that dance camp he works at. It's a big source of money for him over the summer.
I told him that ideally I want him there, but if I had to make it while he was away (because we'd have to wait to get enough money) then that will just have to be the case, and my sister will come with me to the appointment.
I told him it was this Saturday and he immediately groans and goes 'oh well I can't get off of work that day, I already tried, they really need me at the store'. He works a liquor store.
I told him that I was calling out of work that day too because it's just what needed to be done, and that it's important for me that he tries to make this a priority and be by my side.
He then got snappy with me and told me not to lecture him. Vixens, I was *not* lecturing him. I am worried and overwhelmed, and trying to handle everything best I can. I feel that when a female is about to go through with an abortion, emotions are high no matter what.
I feel that even I was slightly 'lecturing' him, I would have every right to express concern because of the weight of the situation.
He snapped at me and told me to calm down, and that he thinks he's done a pretty good job of being supportive so far. I told him of course he has, I was just worried! I mean I feel all over the place!
I feel like his response should have been calm, warm, and understanding like 'of course barbara, I will make sure i'm there'. end of story.
he says he *will* come on saturday, but I told him I was shocked he was giving me any attitude while we are going through this. He then *shut down* for the next hour acting sarcastic and withdrawn. I started crying because I was so upset with his attitude, and told him I needed him to support me no matter what. He is making me feel bad for doing this.
He then started to say, that 'sometimes in life we don't get to choose' when we become pregnant, and that if we chose to have it, we'd have 'more support' (from our parents ----wrong) than if we had the abortion.
He said the abortion is an easy way out, and that we could make it work if we had the baby. He told me he didn't understand why I was crying.
I am so upset by all of this today. I really feel like I should be able to count on him the most. And I CANNOT UNDERSTAND why he thinks he can give me ANY attitude.
I went back to the doctors this afternoon, and he has not called to see if I am okay (we ended the phone convo with me still crying), or to see how the appointment went.
Vixens, I told him I thought he was shutting down and acting poorly and he didn't get it. What do I say to him? How can he not understand he needs to be *nice* at all times while this is happening???
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