ps-- to be clear, he stopped seeing the therapist shortly after he started. i just think that's important to add. sigh.
reply to anonymous
send this answer to a friendIf you know he's no good for you and you don't trust him, you know the answer. It will hurt like crazy for quite a long time to leave him, but the alternative is it hurting just as bad, but in a different way, if you are with him. So sorry about your situation. There has to be someone out there who is better for you and won't put you through this.
reply to Monique
send this answer to a friendMonique wrote: If you know he's no good for you and you don't trust him, you know the answer. It will hurt like crazy for quite a long time to leave him, but the alternative is it hurting just as bad, but in a different way, if you are with him. So sorry about your situation. There has to be someone out there who is better for you and won't put you through this.
reply to Josephine
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I agree with this.
I know it can be difficult to leave someone if you think there is a chance to make things work but he has made it clear he is not prepared to do the hard work necessary to get there.
He is not seeing a therapist and I think it is clear he needs to do something to get a handle on his problems and he is not willing to make a clear decision, keeping the other woman as back up.
You deserve better.
I know it can be difficult to leave someone if you think there is a chance to make things work but he has made it clear he is not prepared to do the hard work necessary to get there.
He is not seeing a therapist and I think it is clear he needs to do something to get a handle on his problems and he is not willing to make a clear decision, keeping the other woman as back up.
You deserve better.
reply to Josephine
send this answer to a friendYAY! You havent gone back to this douche. Yet. And you shouldnt. EVER.
This creature needs time on his lonesome. And its your duty to cut him off. He needs to understand what its like to have someone amazing. And to lose them. And to truly feel the loss and understand why it happened, how its his fault and how he needs to change. In other words, im taking it back to the old school here. The only thing is, you have to also move on with your life and dont wait for his epiphany moment because its going to take a while.
Theres a few things you have pointed out:
Temper.
Turning it around on you and keeping you distracted with defending yourself.
Being involved with an engaged woman.
Inability to commit- to either a person or a therapist.
Unwillingness to accept his issues/ responsibilities and work on fixing them properly.
His lack of respect for women.
His lack of respect for relationships.
Immaturity and emotional blackmail.
Youre not stupid doll, you just need verification that youre doing the right thing. You are. SEE YOUR DECISION THROUGH.
Your next step now is to completely cut him off and let him go back to the cheating hussy hes currently shacked up with. And let them be eternally miserable together for being two truly vile people. And get on with your own life. The less time you spend in his drama the clearer you'll see everything.
This creature needs time on his lonesome. And its your duty to cut him off. He needs to understand what its like to have someone amazing. And to lose them. And to truly feel the loss and understand why it happened, how its his fault and how he needs to change. In other words, im taking it back to the old school here. The only thing is, you have to also move on with your life and dont wait for his epiphany moment because its going to take a while.
Theres a few things you have pointed out:
Temper.
Turning it around on you and keeping you distracted with defending yourself.
Being involved with an engaged woman.
Inability to commit- to either a person or a therapist.
Unwillingness to accept his issues/ responsibilities and work on fixing them properly.
His lack of respect for women.
His lack of respect for relationships.
Immaturity and emotional blackmail.
Youre not stupid doll, you just need verification that youre doing the right thing. You are. SEE YOUR DECISION THROUGH.
Your next step now is to completely cut him off and let him go back to the cheating hussy hes currently shacked up with. And let them be eternally miserable together for being two truly vile people. And get on with your own life. The less time you spend in his drama the clearer you'll see everything.
reply to Cass
send this answer to a friendEven if you put aside all the shenanigans with the engaged woman, your relationship didn't work out the first time due to his behavior. Based on what you said, he hasn't changed. And I would bet he won't. Especially if he dropped therapy.
Then, throw in the fact that he was with a woman who was engaged to another man. What the what?! Clearly fidelity is not a priority for him. Then he wasn't willing to end it with her to be with you, he needed to let it "fade" with the other woman? In the words of Liz Lemon, dealbreaker.
You have no reason to trust this guy, and you shouldn't. And you shouldn't waist another second thinking about what could be with him, because the only thing you'll get with this guy is misery.
I can guarantee that there are better guys for you out there, and the sooner you stop wasting mental energy on this one, the sooner you'll be open to meeting someone else. As everyone else said, you deserve so much better.
Then, throw in the fact that he was with a woman who was engaged to another man. What the what?! Clearly fidelity is not a priority for him. Then he wasn't willing to end it with her to be with you, he needed to let it "fade" with the other woman? In the words of Liz Lemon, dealbreaker.
You have no reason to trust this guy, and you shouldn't. And you shouldn't waist another second thinking about what could be with him, because the only thing you'll get with this guy is misery.
I can guarantee that there are better guys for you out there, and the sooner you stop wasting mental energy on this one, the sooner you'll be open to meeting someone else. As everyone else said, you deserve so much better.
reply to honey
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The best prediction of future behavior is the past. Learn from it! Don't take him back.
reply to ehvwon
send this answer to a friend"when i tell him this, he yells and me and gets really upset, but then says i'll always be his "number one" but if i won't be with him, he's going to go back to this now not-engaged woman because at least she won't reject him."
Yelling, emotional manipulation, blackmail, flipping the blame...
You left him to get away from this shit, and he's STILL inflicting it on you. Let's take a guess whether this sort of behavior (like the yelling at you into all hours of the night type of behavior) is going to be get better or worse if you get back together with him. I think it's going to be worse. Much, much worse. CUT HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE.
The man yo-yo's you around and is completely unpredicatable. I'm not so sure you love him--I think you actually have a gambling problem of sorts. The wins are very few, but when they happen, you're elated. But people who gamble know that the wins are what suck you in. What you get addicted to is the losing.
So will you love someone the way you love this man again? I sure as hell hope not. But god knows there are plenty of men out there who will be willing to treat you badly and fuck with your emotions. Remember, though, in those kinds of relationships, just as with gambling, the house always wins. It's best just not to play those stupid games.
But having extracted yourself from this situation before, and being hesitant to go back, I think you've got a real shot at finding a man that you can really love, and who will really love you. I think you can find a relationship where everyone's a winner.
Yelling, emotional manipulation, blackmail, flipping the blame...
You left him to get away from this shit, and he's STILL inflicting it on you. Let's take a guess whether this sort of behavior (like the yelling at you into all hours of the night type of behavior) is going to be get better or worse if you get back together with him. I think it's going to be worse. Much, much worse. CUT HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE.
The man yo-yo's you around and is completely unpredicatable. I'm not so sure you love him--I think you actually have a gambling problem of sorts. The wins are very few, but when they happen, you're elated. But people who gamble know that the wins are what suck you in. What you get addicted to is the losing.
So will you love someone the way you love this man again? I sure as hell hope not. But god knows there are plenty of men out there who will be willing to treat you badly and fuck with your emotions. Remember, though, in those kinds of relationships, just as with gambling, the house always wins. It's best just not to play those stupid games.
But having extracted yourself from this situation before, and being hesitant to go back, I think you've got a real shot at finding a man that you can really love, and who will really love you. I think you can find a relationship where everyone's a winner.
reply to Samantha
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You will be more than okay. Trust your gut and go forth with confidence!!
reply to Blondie
send this answer to a friendhi everyone,
thanks so much for your advice. it's all really great and very reaffirming.
i cut him out, and he called me 4 days later at 5 in the morning crying and saying he was thinking of killing himself again (i picked up because i was worried to be receiving a call at such a strange time). i asked him where he had been, what was going on, and he said he was out drunk with friends but came home and just felt really bad. i tried to talk him through it but eventually he hung up, and when i woke up the next day, i saw that he defriended me on facebook and wasn't online. i was worried about him, so i contacted a close friend and asked him to check up and let me know if he was ok. the ex called me at around 2pm and said he was fine, "everyone acts like this sometimes" and the fact that i was worried about him and thought it was abnormal and that he needs help was proof that "i clearly didn't love him as much as he loves me." i started to cry, i told him he has no idea how much his actions hurt the people who care about him, how much, when he acts like an idiot and gets drunk all the time and doesn't see his therapist, it worries me, and how hard i am struggling to not feel responsible for him precisely because of how much i care about him. i told him i couldn't keep doing this or feeling this way, i didn't want to keep having this conversation, and if he was going to act like an idiot and not get help or take care of himself, i needed to move on and put myself first. he got really mad at me and again said he was fine and i said i didn't want to talk about this anymore and hung up.
he's since called 4 times and texted a bunch. then pictures showed up on the engaged girls' facebook of the two of them at 4am drunk, laughing, etc. i haven't responded to a single of his messages or texts and i'm really proud of myself because i really want to block him out of my life completely. i blocked him on facebook and after seeing that picture, defriended her (yes, i know her).
anyway. last night he sent a text asking if we could talk for 10 minutes because he "needs a little closure." i haven't written back yet. i don't want to. i just want to move on. but should i? do i owe him that or something? i don't know what to do. i'm scared if i write him, he'll just suck me in to his vortex again and i want to avoid it as much as possible...
thanks again so much everyone for your responses.
thanks so much for your advice. it's all really great and very reaffirming.
i cut him out, and he called me 4 days later at 5 in the morning crying and saying he was thinking of killing himself again (i picked up because i was worried to be receiving a call at such a strange time). i asked him where he had been, what was going on, and he said he was out drunk with friends but came home and just felt really bad. i tried to talk him through it but eventually he hung up, and when i woke up the next day, i saw that he defriended me on facebook and wasn't online. i was worried about him, so i contacted a close friend and asked him to check up and let me know if he was ok. the ex called me at around 2pm and said he was fine, "everyone acts like this sometimes" and the fact that i was worried about him and thought it was abnormal and that he needs help was proof that "i clearly didn't love him as much as he loves me." i started to cry, i told him he has no idea how much his actions hurt the people who care about him, how much, when he acts like an idiot and gets drunk all the time and doesn't see his therapist, it worries me, and how hard i am struggling to not feel responsible for him precisely because of how much i care about him. i told him i couldn't keep doing this or feeling this way, i didn't want to keep having this conversation, and if he was going to act like an idiot and not get help or take care of himself, i needed to move on and put myself first. he got really mad at me and again said he was fine and i said i didn't want to talk about this anymore and hung up.
he's since called 4 times and texted a bunch. then pictures showed up on the engaged girls' facebook of the two of them at 4am drunk, laughing, etc. i haven't responded to a single of his messages or texts and i'm really proud of myself because i really want to block him out of my life completely. i blocked him on facebook and after seeing that picture, defriended her (yes, i know her).
anyway. last night he sent a text asking if we could talk for 10 minutes because he "needs a little closure." i haven't written back yet. i don't want to. i just want to move on. but should i? do i owe him that or something? i don't know what to do. i'm scared if i write him, he'll just suck me in to his vortex again and i want to avoid it as much as possible...
thanks again so much everyone for your responses.
reply to anonymous
send this answer to a friend i'm scared if i write him, he'll just suck me in to his vortex again and i want to avoid it as much as possible...
AVOID.
You do not need to reply to him.
He is damaged and manipulative. You are doing the right thing by ignoring and avoiding.
AVOID.
You do not need to reply to him.
He is damaged and manipulative. You are doing the right thing by ignoring and avoiding.
reply to Miss Beth
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TOP VIXENS
so, i could use some advice:
i was dating someone for a year and a half. we loved each other very, very much and we were even living together. we had a beautiful romance and a really incredible relationship when, 6 months in to dating, he suddenly became like a different person-- picking fights constantly, very controlling, yelling at me until 4 in the morning (and not stopping even when i begged him to), and telling me there were problems with my personality. it was awful and eventually, after much, much pain and agony, i broke up with him and moved out. it was really terrible.
anyway, he started seeing a therapist (i had been begging him to for a long time) and found out he had anxiety problems and has since explained to me that is why he picked so many fights and was so controlling, etc. after this, i considered giving him a second chance and, after a long talk, we decided to start "working on things" again. the glitch was (and here's where i messed up), he was also involved with an engaged woman now and he was unwilling to leave her for me. he kept telling me really, really loved me and wanted to be with me, but needed things to "fade" with her first. two months later, i moved away (i was always planning on spending my summer elsewhere) and told him i was very sorry, but i couldn't let myself stay in this terrible situation anymore.
now, the engaged woman called off her engagement and my ex wants me to move back so we can work on us "for real this time" because he swears he still loves me more than anyone else and he only ever got involved with that woman because he was afraid of me hurting him again.
vixens, i've told my ex that i don't want to get back together and there's no way i'm moving back to work on things when i have so little trust that he's not going to hurt me again. when i tell him this, he yells and me and gets really upset, but then says i'll always be his "number one" but if i won't be with him, he's going to go back to this now not-engaged woman because at least she won't reject him.
vixens, i just feel horrible about this whole situation. the messed up thing is, i still really love this man. i know he's terrible for me. i really don't trust him. i'm so angry at him for so many reasons. and yet still, the thought of losing him for good is so painful and i'm having a really hard time trusting there will be someone else out there for me who i love and am drawn to the way i am with this man.
we're not talking this week-- i told him i needed time off to think, but it was really just so i could breathe and start moving on. we're supposed to talk again sunday but i don't even know what to say to him anymore. i do just want to move on. i'll be ok, right?
thanks, v's.
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