Well, on the face of it, your parents are being unreasonable.
But can I ask a few questions here? NOT because I necessarily support your parents, or their position ... I'm just trying to get the root of their unyielding disapproval of this guy. So...
1) Have you ever given your parents any reason to doubt your ability to accurately judge the honesty or worthiness of previous boyfriends? (For instance, your previous boyfriend turned out to be a jerk, and now they're projecting their feelings about Mr. Previous onto your new guy....)
2) Your parents say they 'just don't like' your boyfriend's personality. So what's his personality like? Is he too casual for their taste, or too button-down? Is he a gregarious, hail-fellow-well-met type who intimidates your shy parents, or are your parents quite friendly, and they interpret your boyfriend's shyness as stand-offishness? What is the stumbling block here, in your opinion?
3) Have your parents behaved like this with other people? Is there a long-standing pattern where other family members (or in-laws) have been 'banned' from their presence?
Pending more info, I'm certainly leaning towards advising you to show up with your boyfriend to whatever family function you feel is appropriate. According to your profile you're 27, which means that your parents have a right to their opinions, but not a right to dictate with whom you can and can't associate. And they also have the right to simply *leave* an event where they disapprove of one single attendee -- although I would hope they wouldn't be that childish.
I'd also advise against 'boycotting' the event in question. That will simply give your parents a forum to spread whatever tales they want to about this fellow, without fear of contradiction. First impressions are important, and if your relatives are left with a first impression of your boyfriend that is entirely crafted by your parents ... well, that may be a formidable challenge to overcome.
But can I ask a few questions here? NOT because I necessarily support your parents, or their position ... I'm just trying to get the root of their unyielding disapproval of this guy. So...
1) Have you ever given your parents any reason to doubt your ability to accurately judge the honesty or worthiness of previous boyfriends? (For instance, your previous boyfriend turned out to be a jerk, and now they're projecting their feelings about Mr. Previous onto your new guy....)
2) Your parents say they 'just don't like' your boyfriend's personality. So what's his personality like? Is he too casual for their taste, or too button-down? Is he a gregarious, hail-fellow-well-met type who intimidates your shy parents, or are your parents quite friendly, and they interpret your boyfriend's shyness as stand-offishness? What is the stumbling block here, in your opinion?
3) Have your parents behaved like this with other people? Is there a long-standing pattern where other family members (or in-laws) have been 'banned' from their presence?
Pending more info, I'm certainly leaning towards advising you to show up with your boyfriend to whatever family function you feel is appropriate. According to your profile you're 27, which means that your parents have a right to their opinions, but not a right to dictate with whom you can and can't associate. And they also have the right to simply *leave* an event where they disapprove of one single attendee -- although I would hope they wouldn't be that childish.
I'd also advise against 'boycotting' the event in question. That will simply give your parents a forum to spread whatever tales they want to about this fellow, without fear of contradiction. First impressions are important, and if your relatives are left with a first impression of your boyfriend that is entirely crafted by your parents ... well, that may be a formidable challenge to overcome.
reply to Kal
send this answer to a friendif your bf's family is truly "mobbed up" I don't see why it is such a mystery as to why they want him out of your life.
That kind of stuff makes people nervous and for good reason.
The only way you are going to resolve this is with complete and utter honesty with your parents and your bf with them. He says he wants nothing to do with his family, but if the two of you go on, get serious, get married, have kids, will his family be out of your lives forever?
These are all legitimate concerns and I think your parents are hiding behind the "don't like his personality" and trying to avoid the conversation about his family by forbidding you to bring him around.
As I said, there is no point dancing around it. Just bring it up and thrash it out as best as possible. Give them permission to speak about their true concerns and fears. I am not saying everything will work out perfectly, but it may at least be a start.
That kind of stuff makes people nervous and for good reason.
The only way you are going to resolve this is with complete and utter honesty with your parents and your bf with them. He says he wants nothing to do with his family, but if the two of you go on, get serious, get married, have kids, will his family be out of your lives forever?
These are all legitimate concerns and I think your parents are hiding behind the "don't like his personality" and trying to avoid the conversation about his family by forbidding you to bring him around.
As I said, there is no point dancing around it. Just bring it up and thrash it out as best as possible. Give them permission to speak about their true concerns and fears. I am not saying everything will work out perfectly, but it may at least be a start.
reply to Josephine
send this answer to a friendOk, I understand your point. but i have more questions than answers...
i need more info:
Fist of all, you say his family is "mobbed up" and he would rather starve than go to shady folk.
Now mobbed up? Are we talking about maifia-esque involvement? (Youll have to forgive me here we have a different sort of set up in n ireland lol).
Why is he starving? Does he work? Why would he be starving in the first instance instead of going to shady people? Why would he be short of money? Why is going to shady people like an option (albeit the worst case scenario one?)
On the face of it, and you might not like this, it would appear that your parents seem to see something else very clearly that you cannot. And that could be because you love your bf too much to see the forest for the trees.
They may be tearing their hair out over the fact that you are in danger with this fella, even if he has no direct dealings with any mobs.... (for now, or that you know of).
The whole would rather starve thing..... i dont see why he would have to if he had a job and was sensible and cut off from it as you suggest. So until you clarify his working situation, im assuming he doesnt and understandably this is cause for concern.
I come from a family where my folks in the past have proper tore their hair out with me over fells i went out with. They werent "bad" but as time passed i realised that they werent "good enough" either for whatever reason. I can understand your frustration but i also think there is more to it.
I would urge you to think about this. Parents have a knack of seeing things a lot quicker than us. And its frustrating when theyre right, but they have your interests at heart. Dont cut them off.
i need more info:
Fist of all, you say his family is "mobbed up" and he would rather starve than go to shady folk.
Now mobbed up? Are we talking about maifia-esque involvement? (Youll have to forgive me here we have a different sort of set up in n ireland lol).
Why is he starving? Does he work? Why would he be starving in the first instance instead of going to shady people? Why would he be short of money? Why is going to shady people like an option (albeit the worst case scenario one?)
On the face of it, and you might not like this, it would appear that your parents seem to see something else very clearly that you cannot. And that could be because you love your bf too much to see the forest for the trees.
They may be tearing their hair out over the fact that you are in danger with this fella, even if he has no direct dealings with any mobs.... (for now, or that you know of).
The whole would rather starve thing..... i dont see why he would have to if he had a job and was sensible and cut off from it as you suggest. So until you clarify his working situation, im assuming he doesnt and understandably this is cause for concern.
I come from a family where my folks in the past have proper tore their hair out with me over fells i went out with. They werent "bad" but as time passed i realised that they werent "good enough" either for whatever reason. I can understand your frustration but i also think there is more to it.
I would urge you to think about this. Parents have a knack of seeing things a lot quicker than us. And its frustrating when theyre right, but they have your interests at heart. Dont cut them off.
reply to Cass
send this answer to a friendHonestly, his parents did used to deal with some mafia-esque people, but Boyo only found out when they were arrested very recently. He always suspected something was wrong, but he had no idea that it was *that.* I've been trying to support him emotionally, but he was so horrified that he cut ties with them and has refused to accept any of their dirty money to get us both out of poverty. He's a legal intern studying for the bar, and I'm a college grad scraping by on minimum wage; both of us have some medical problems that have put us in debt, so we're trying to stay afloat and find better jobs.
I did actually date very few guys before him, all of who were not bad people but just not really right for me, with one exception: a drug addict I successfully escaped after a very short romance. Boyo is nothing like him, but then he's nothing like anyone else I've dated either; I've never been with anyone longer than six months, and my parents haven't met anyone before him. My last boyfriend had almost exactly the same personality as my dad and is the sort of guy parents swoon over, but we drove each other insane and were relieved to break up. Boyo is a little loud, like me, and very boisterous and funny and sweet. He's got Asperger's syndrome, which does annoy my parents, but many of my best friends are very blunt but kind people and I understand perfectly that he means no harm. He's trying so hard to change his social skills to suit my parents, and I've begged them to give him a chance to show them how graceful he can be, but they won't even talk to either of us about it. They've never been anything but friendly and welcoming before-- to anyone in my family, even the members they don't like or quite understand-- which is what makes this so confusing. Why now? Is it because I might marry him someday? Wise older friends seem to think so, but I have no idea.
I did actually date very few guys before him, all of who were not bad people but just not really right for me, with one exception: a drug addict I successfully escaped after a very short romance. Boyo is nothing like him, but then he's nothing like anyone else I've dated either; I've never been with anyone longer than six months, and my parents haven't met anyone before him. My last boyfriend had almost exactly the same personality as my dad and is the sort of guy parents swoon over, but we drove each other insane and were relieved to break up. Boyo is a little loud, like me, and very boisterous and funny and sweet. He's got Asperger's syndrome, which does annoy my parents, but many of my best friends are very blunt but kind people and I understand perfectly that he means no harm. He's trying so hard to change his social skills to suit my parents, and I've begged them to give him a chance to show them how graceful he can be, but they won't even talk to either of us about it. They've never been anything but friendly and welcoming before-- to anyone in my family, even the members they don't like or quite understand-- which is what makes this so confusing. Why now? Is it because I might marry him someday? Wise older friends seem to think so, but I have no idea.
reply to Alice
send this answer to a friendAlice wrote: Honestly, his parents did used to deal with some mafia-esque people, but Boyo only found out when they were arrested very recently. He always suspected something was wrong, but he had no idea that it was *that.* I've been trying to support him emotionally, but he was so horrified that he cut ties with them and has refused to accept any of their dirty money to get us both out of poverty. He's a legal intern studying for the bar, and I'm a college grad scraping by on minimum wage; both of us have some medical problems that have put us in debt, so we're trying to stay afloat and find better jobs.
I did actually date very few guys before him, all of who were not bad people but just not really right for me, with one exception: a drug addict I successfully escaped after a very short romance. Boyo is nothing like him, but then he's nothing like anyone else I've dated either; I've never been with anyone longer than six months, and my parents haven't met anyone before him. My last boyfriend had almost exactly the same personality as my dad and is the sort of guy parents swoon over, but we drove each other insane and were relieved to break up. Boyo is a little loud, like me, and very boisterous and funny and sweet. He's got Asperger's syndrome, which does annoy my parents, but many of my best friends are very blunt but kind people and I understand perfectly that he means no harm. He's trying so hard to change his social skills to suit my parents, and I've begged them to give him a chance to show them how graceful he can be, but they won't even talk to either of us about it. They've never been anything but friendly and welcoming before-- to anyone in my family, even the members they don't like or quite understand-- which is what makes this so confusing. Why now? Is it because I might marry him someday? Wise older friends seem to think so, but I have no idea.
reply to Cass
send this answer to a friend
Well, he doesnt seem to be a bad guy from what youre saying.
Suit yourself and give your parents time to come round to him. But keep your eyes open with regards to his. Some might say the apple doesnt fall far from the tree so it will take time to see whether or not this is true with regards to you bf. :)
Suit yourself and give your parents time to come round to him. But keep your eyes open with regards to his. Some might say the apple doesnt fall far from the tree so it will take time to see whether or not this is true with regards to you bf. :)
reply to Cass
send this answer to a friend
I think one thing you should consider is if you want him so much BECAUSE your parents disapprove. I wouldn't automatically dismiss their fears. They could be seeing/sensing things you aren't.
reply to ehvwon
send this answer to a friendIf I were in your position, I would tell your parents that you are going to continue dating this young man and while you love them and appreciate their guidance and advice, if they won't talk about it thoroughly, you don't want to hear one more syllable on the subject and they are simply not permitted to be rude or whatever, when he is around.
Otherwise, you will spend your time with him elsewhere because it is just too stressful to be around them with him if they are going to act like this. Ditto with family gatherings. Don't go.
You may be able to force a discussion and maybe break through the log jam to some honest talking.
You don't even have to say a lot, you can just do it. Not be around much, but be just as loving and polite toward them, letting your actions do your talking for you.
Otherwise, you will spend your time with him elsewhere because it is just too stressful to be around them with him if they are going to act like this. Ditto with family gatherings. Don't go.
You may be able to force a discussion and maybe break through the log jam to some honest talking.
You don't even have to say a lot, you can just do it. Not be around much, but be just as loving and polite toward them, letting your actions do your talking for you.
reply to Josephine
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Please forgive the re-post from Julia's question, I'm new here and trying to figure this out. For some hideous reason, my parents (who I was always very close with) have told me that they flat-out refuse to allow me to bring my boyo of almost a year with me anywhere they're present. He's more understanding of my parents than I am at this point (which is insane!), but his parents are utterly horrible people and mobbed up; he loves my parents in spite of their dislike because he says it's just nice to know there are normal people in the world. He thinks that's why my parents don't like him (I'm a farm girl in the city), even though he refuses to speak to his parents and is adamant about avoiding the criminal life at all costs; I've seen him actually choose to starve rather than go to shady people for help.
I've torn my hair out over this for months, and when I confront my parents they insist that they just don't like his personality. They won't address my rather reasonable arguments as to why he's a great guy and doesn't deserve this disrespect, or the growing mound of evidence that supports my opinion. My friends all adore him, so they really don't get it, and most of them are parents! I've been told that he's not invited to be in their presence, basically, and that if I show up anywhere it has to be without him, so it looks like I've been uninvited from any family gatherings for the time being. There's one coming up very soon, and I'm considering boycotting it so they're forced to explain their ludicrous arguments to my aunts and uncles, who will hopefully talk some sense into them. I'm close to my huge extended family but see them only a few times a year, so this is immensely painful. Should I bring him anyway? He can be trusted to behave himself, but my parents possibly couldn't....
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