When the hell did he get a new girlfriend? And why didn't he tell you?
I'm so sorry you are going through this...you are such a romantic at heart and I really hope that find that one true love.

He has a new girlfriend. He's moved on. And he's telling you that so that you WILL move on.

It's important to want closure and respect that you deserve. He's obviously not giving it to you and you need to be prepared that many people will take the easy way out, as it appears he is doing.

Drop him and start dating Ervin, and you'll be much happier.

Miss Beth - I don't think you should waste your energy seeing him. Set up a blog in which you say EVERYTHING you want and need to say. Then send a link to everyone you know - inlcuding him of course!

This way you get your say without him interupting!!!

It sounds like you aren't going to get what you want here. It's clear you have put in enough time and energy into it and I think it's time to move on. But you will decide that for yourself when enough is enough.

Oh, well...if you must....tell him how you feel and then drop it. Don't let him continue to break your beautiful heart over and over again. He isn't worth it.

Miss Beth,

The man is douche-water! He needs to get a tip from la fictional Cary Grant and perform his role as a suitor with more finesse and class. (I say fictional because la Grant was as caddish as the next fop.)

Hi Miss Beth ~ Honey don't you have a daughter? What would you tell HER if she were older and recanting this whole story to you? How would you feel about the guy who was doing this to HER? Now...take that and apply it to yourself. XOXO

P.S. The guy is scum.

Miss Beth, sometimes we are lucky to get closure when people leave our lives. Other times we are not so lucky. That's when we find closure in our own way.

This guy is obviously not the type that values closure as you do. Probably because he is confused and all over the place emotionally and wants an open door back to you and the relationship you have if need be. At this point, he is emotionally bankrupt, and you the naive account holder going to him to withdraw emotion. You will draw a blank. You've already overdrawn his account by the brief reunion period you had, he has nothing more to give.

Forgive him for not knowing better. Forgive yourself for your past that is making you settle for way less than you deserve. Hopefully learn from that but the most important thing right now is to forgive yourself for making the mistake not once but twice.

Then walk away. He is not what you need, not what you want and not what love is about. How to get closure on your own? Cut out ALL contact, build yourself and your emotional account (which he tried to spend for lack of his own reserve) and then immerse yourself in exploring other possibilities with other men.

All the best. No one said it would be easy but it is NECESSARY. Use anything valuable as motivation. If not yourself then your daughter. Do you want her going through this kind of drama at 30?

Beth,

I HATE this. I had an x that I wouldn't speak to for a year due to drug related issues. We are now slowly speaking again, but I'm petrified that things will just not end well. You have the right to be upset. Feel your feelings, demand the respect you deserve, and yes, he owes you a goodbye. I don't know why this guy can't focus on you, but (and I know you know this) you deserve so much more. I can't get over the amount of people who can't seem to do the simple act of following through on doing what they say they will do.

I'm thinking about you...
Kisses,
Franny

I too am sorry you are going through all this but if it was anyone else, you would tell them to leave this guy in the dust and move on.

you really need to for your own self perservation. you will and can find that one special partner but you won't while you are still hung up on this inconsiderate jack@ss.

you deserve much better than this and we ALL know it!

my email is on my profile, if you would ever like to talk or IM, i really do have a good ear and with the two jobs and three kids i am just not here enough and i miss stuff (like the drama that sent Sheela and Angel away :( )

do take care of yourself, please especially now at this time of year, the winter can be so difficult.

xo
kim

Beth, the guy is an INFANT. A CHILD. I don't care if you feel like you need to see him one last time or not. Whatever makes you feel better. But in the future, please state your needs early, early, early in a relationship. And keep ON stating your needs. If the guy you're involved with steps up and meets those needs... whatever they are... then you can still date him. If he can not or will not, then do NOT date him.

Beth, the guy is an INFANT. A CHILD. I don't care if you feel like you need to see him one last time or not. Whatever makes you feel better. But in the future, please state your needs early, early, early in a relationship. And keep ON stating your needs. If the guy you're involved with steps up and meets those needs... whatever they are... then you can still date him. If he can not or will not, then do NOT date him. It should have never gotten to this point.

Miss Beth,
You are torturing yourself! We are not just blowing smoke up your bum..YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS! HIS LOSS!

For some reason, he is playing games with you!

When I was in a similar situation, I fought to be with this guy because I couldn't accept the fact that I had been so blind, wasted somuch time and energy into something that was biting me in the ass. I was in denial, and didn't want to admit that I had made a mistake.

Maybe that's what you are going through. Please let him go.

You are such a wonderful person, Life will give you your partner! But you have to be available first!

Where does this douchbag live? I'll take care of him for ya?

Who wants to help me?

Miss Beth-
Don't expect different behavior from a guy who's a proven putz.
You are banging your lovely head against an idiot wall.
No final words. Do this with dignity, Miss Beth. You are too lovely, smart and witty to waste parting remarks on this lying (fill in the blank). He doesn't want to see you. Move on. Stay open to kindness.

If that doesn't work...key his car.

popcorn in his gas tank works well.

thats what I heard, anyway.

OK, Beth. This song is an Cole Porter standard and while I love Ella's and Ethel's version, Kirsty's really kicks ass.

Listen and be inspired...

even just a bit of H2O works..

ooooh we are bad ;)

Closure is a tricky thing love and we often use it to get that that little pink toe back in the door. Is it possible you want to see him because you still like him so much!

It's like the lies I tell myself, "it's not that you went to vegas wtih another girl, it's that you didn't tell me." WRONG

The truth-It is the fact he went to Vegas...period, plain and simple but don't I sound more fabulous, not jealous and together if I blame it on a technicality?

Closure is like that-it can be an excuse, however if you still like him-see him...don't try and cotrol it though or manipulate it...turn it over and he will call-they always do

You want to HUG him? Are you sure you don't mean SLUG him?

He's not worth it!

Sounds as if you HAVE to let him 'get away with it'. After a week or so of not contacting him, I think you will see this situation with more clarity and it will become easier somehow. He hardly seems worth the effort, even though this tugs at your heart.

I want to slug him!

Miss Beth, You are FORGETTING the POWER OF A WOMAN.

Let me refresh your memory..... You can always be in control. You can always have the upper hand. You can always make him come back.

But you don't want to. No. YOU DONT WANT TO. (Thats me yelling at you. Y'all)

Women get so caught up in the nonsense tha men have, that we forget what we are worth. Leave him in your dust. Call him, laughing, and tell him THANK YOU. You see how ridiculous your feelings towards him were, and you wish him the best. You are very excited to move on! Just bought a new pair of slutty boots and you are off!

He jaw will hit the floor, and you will be out the door!
You win, he loses!
And someone else gets a chance at that Beautiful Beth Love!

Do you really need to see him for closure? What would than encounter achieve? I don't think there's anything he can say that will explain things to your satisfaction. I mean, he might answer your questions as to why, but 1)they may not be what you want to hear, or 2) they might not be true, or 3) they may not make sense, and either way, not satisfy your need for and explanation, or an apology.

He doesn't seem to want to restart communication. Add that to the reasons as to why he's not right for you. Write everything you'd like to say to him, it will help clear things up in your head. You can achieve closure in your head if you let go. I don't know that seeing him will allow you to let go. It might even rekindle your feelings for him.

In fact, studies show, women become addicted to the men they like. Any time you see him, hear him touch him, it's like taking a hit of a drug. You should go as long as possible without contact so the addiction subsides.

I think this must be an epidemic with guys. I can't count how many guys broke up with me and failed to let me know. They just stopped taking my phone calls. They basically disappeared without a trace. It wasn't that I didn't get it. I knew what it meant when they quit talking to me, but I wanted closure. I wanted to hear the words, I am done with you. But I never got that consideration. I was told once that he didn't want to hurt my feelings. So, not talking to me was better? I thought it was mean.

Looking back on my past, although I would advise you to move on, I do understand why you want to hear him say we're through.

Hang in there.

I think you are probably going to see him the 'one last time' and give him that hug (though actually I favour a slug, as said already)
but, if you harbour any hopes that you can save the situation, take a deep breath, and forget them.
He has, actually, made his position clear, and that will eventually help you to move on, and find somebody who can love without playing games.
Good luck. You are worth much more.

Oh and here is my favorite "it's not this, it's that."
It's not that you slept with your ex, it's that you didn't tell me-
COME ON!

Go to Girl outing herself...

I am saying this with great sincerity, dear: I wish you had more respect for yourself.

You have allowed this to go on WAY too long.

When does your happiness become paramount?

Miss Beth, my lovely, this man thinks he has you figured out. I'm sure he also thinks that you'll always be right there, just in case it doesn't work out with the new girl. Didn't he also tell you that you had spoiled all the other women for him because you are the best one? Mark my words, he'll be saying this to you again. As soon as you start to move on, he'll be comparing his new girl once again to you.

The question of whether this cycle continues, is completely up to you. Don't let it continue. Go left, when he thinks you'll go right.

Don't ask him anymore for closure. My thoughts on the closure part? By him refusing to give you the closure that you want from this, he can then bring this back up in a few months and say "well, we never did have closure, so let's meet up for a chat." He's keeping a string attached just in case.

He's made you a Plan B. Now, you need to continue being the amazing women that you are and make your own plans. Don't give him the closure, don't ever give him the closure.

Write him off and don't give him one more once of attention. Don't answer his phone calls, or emails or texts. He lost his chance and he'll regret it, Miss Beth.

xxx

That pic of you is GORG, btw.

You have no idea how awesome you are - and neither does he.

Show him with your behavior just how freakin awesome you are.

From now on your attitude towards him is "I am Sooooo out of his league".

And when you're in his subway station, bring a book! You're not gonna notice him! Fuck no! And to hell with being on good terms with him....he doesn't respect you!

"Back off" is NOT something you say to someone you respect. Ever! It doesn't matter if it was said months ago.

OK. Good. And he's given you a very clear answer: he is unwilling. Either that or he's simply incapable. Not your job to fix him OR the relationship. Now you have a choice: stick around for another round of abuse, or move on. I vote for move on.

I like Phoenix's idea, but that's the wounded butterfly in me talking.

Keren is soooo right on in what she says in every single paragraph.

Would it be too infuriating or depressing to rent and watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Movies can be such good therapy anyway.

You look awesome and although i love the hippie love peace thing, your picture is WAY better!

Look at that beautiful face! Don't let that face be sad any more, do what you need to do with this guy and then..

:)

:)

I have to say it, but giving others the responsibility for your closure will only lead to further disappointment. I know its hard to put trust in new people after you've been buggered by the same person more than once. I have huge trust issues, but I am learning its not about whether others will hurt me, it has more to do with whether I trust myself to select trustworthy people in the first place. Like anything else, it takes practice and sometimes that practice hurts. Nothing worth gaining is painless.

This guy isn't worthy of your time or consideration. Consider him a lesson learned and move on. You'll never get the closure you want from anyone else. Closure is what you create for yourself. Value yourself above all others without disrespecting others and you'll learn that you can trust yourself to select the right participants in your life.

That is just Sage is all.

What are your goals for the future - relationship wise?

Is this guy bringing you close to where you want to be? Or perhaps is he wasting your time?

The question answers itself, doesn't it?

You're not 'letting him' break his word. He already broke his word, no? Has not broken your trust already?

There are a lot assholes (and assholettes) out there. I've been there, with the trust issues. There's nothing you can do to prevent someone from breaking your trust, and the only thing you can do is to continue living. To continue living you will have to take the plunge here and there before getting the right guy.

"Back off."???!!!!How dare he???
Miss Beth, you need to stop contacting this man!

Repeat this to yourself every day:
"I deserve a man who's passionately in love with me and places me above all other women."

Express your feelings to your closest girlfriend, not this man.
He doesn't deserve to ever hear from you again.

I hope you get some kind of resolution, but I also hope you can live without it.

haha! I know, the "here and there" it's kind of everywhere!

Was it you who months ago talked about the men in Jane Austen's world? Where the men KNEW they were responsible for the slightest innuendo they might stir up.

Now guys are like, oh, i'm sorry, my cock slipped into your pussy and i'm supposed to have something to say about that? hahaha!

Oh, Miss Beth, I'm late to this party and the other vixens have already given you such beautiful advice. I'd like to add something I did which helped me when I couldn't get closure from a relationship. I wrote in a letter everything I wanted to say to this guy if I had the chance, then I put it in a drawer. (Writing an email and then saving the draft works, too.)

I told myself if I still couldn't get over the situation after a while, I'd send the letter. But days and months passed, I moved on and never felt the need. Writing the letter had purged me. One day, I just took it out and shredded it, removing the toxicity from my life for good.

About the trusting thing--just because this guy was a jerk doesn't mean all men are. I think when you meet the right guy, you'll find your way to trust again.

Good luck. I hope you'll find peace in your heart.

P.S. Your picture was gorgeous. Why did you change it back?

Wow! I really feel that you're paining. I know that people really can become love sick.
At some point hopefully soon you'll turn your pain into gain.
Dude is cold blooded and he'll do to others as he did to you.
So consider yourself lucky that he dropped you when he did.

You gave him more than he deserved when you connected back with him.
Every breath you take, every moment you live is valuble.
You won't get your time back that you gave him, but your heart will heal and you don't a hug from him for the process to begin to take place. You need to hug yourself and embrace all that you are.

Dear heart he owes you nothing not even an explaination, he wasn't your husband, he's a low life to dog you not just once but two times.
If the snake bites you once it's the snakes fault, if he bite you twice face the mirror.
I tell you this you have the power to forget about him and the sooner you focus on you, the sooner restoration will return to your life.

@#($*!@#*(!!!!!!!!!!!!

BETH! Stop contacting him!! You deserve so much better. Stop doing this to yourself.

*calms down*

Okay. Phew.

Miss Beth, your feelings are all out there for all to see. And it isn't hard at all to empathize with you because I think we have all known the great frustration of people who confound us with their actions and their thinking or nonthinking.

But you must remember that you have no control over another human being. As this man cannot reshape you and make you the woman he wants you to be, neither can you do the same to him.

And from the way it sounds, it is not a hug you want to give this guy because the end of a hug is letting go.

If you can somehow let go without the hug in reality, perhaps you can go forward minus the ending you have scripted. For it seems, my dear, as far as your mutual scripts go, you obviously have creative differences.

Compose a story with someone else, with all the passion you have and, lady, you've got a lot.

"No more--No more
(Such language holds the solemn sea
To the sand upon the shore.)"

-E. Allan Poe

hi miss beth,
i ma a FIRM believer in the final " look me in the eye and tell me you don't want to be with me " goodbye..
I think we let guys get away with too much too easily.....especially with texts and emails.... i hate that!!! some men are just spineless..

but you deserve more.

my personnal opinion... this guy is a dick and plays head games...... forget he evenb exsists after you get the final closure you need..... you are too sweet and nice to be mentally abused by this idiot!!!

I agree, you need to totally cut this jerk-off loose. Stop leaving the door open for him to come and go as he pleases.
You're giving him too much power over your life...

Lose him so you can give yourself the opportunity of meeting someone worth while.

Sugar works best!

Miss Beth. Shallow is the word that comes to mind. People like this are self serving. You will never get your closure. This person is all about himself and his wants and needs. It was simply a relationship of convenience. Why give someone who disrespects you a chance to lie to you for the last time. Trust me. This guy has no substance. You are only wasting your time, and possibly ruining a chance meeting with someone who would treat you the way you should be treated. People like this are like Tigers. "Tigers never change their stripes." It's a permanent part of their personality. They manipulate you,because you let them, and they appeal to you when you are vulnerable. The sooner you close that door the sooner a new one will open. Don't even think of blaming yourself for the relationship ending. This was his plan the whole time. You were simply a victim of a self centered calculating individual who sought you out and abused you and your time. You are worth a heck of a lot more than someone's DOORMAT. Take a breath, and get a hold of all your good friends and have some fun. You might surprise yourself and have a good time. You are better than this. Believe that your worth is more important, and remember to DEMAND RESPECT the next time someone like this crosses your path. Save your tears for a bouquet of flowers from the RIGHT GUY!! Tina's Two Sense!!!!

My Dear Miss Beth,

I'm sorry I'm late to the post here and I do agree with all the great vixen advice above.

I would just like to add: There is no real way to just end it except for death. I know that sounds morbid, but this twisted tango must end immediately, if not sooner. You are too good for this shite and you truly deserve better - way freakin better.

I think you should pretend he died or fell off the planet, just turn yourself in the opposite direction and walk away.

You'd be doing yourself a huge kindness by doing so. It is unfair that he is not giving you the proper ending you need. But you need to realize that he never will.
So give it to yourself. End it right now in your mind and heart.

Big bear hugs,
Jen

Miss Beth,

No matter how hard it is, the best way to hold on to your pride is to let it go. Seeing this guy will just make you more upset. All of us dames have been there. Don't give him the pleasure of knowing that you need to say goodbye. Stay home and take a bubble bath or go out with some lady friends instead.

Best of luck, darling! Stay strong!

Beth,
I can understand your feeling you need to say things to him for closure, but you must know that he is not going to listen. Although you've probably worked out in your mind how this meeting would go, remember that he doesn't have the script and will most likely not give you the closure you want.
You might do better by writing what you want to say on a sheet of paper and symbolically burning it (or whatever) as a way of setting yourself free!
Best of luck to you!

Geez, woman. You know how I feel about that moron. STOP focusing on his potential, which is nil anyway, and see the a-hole as he really IS!! The guy is a 4 door, 5 star, 14 karat jerk. You don't have to be nice to him in the subway, you don't have to be nice to in your imagination, you don't have to be nice to him ANYWHERE! He freakin' told you to back off and you are concerned about your next interaction?

He was only polite to you initially because he wanted to get into your pants. His idea of "communicating" and your idea of communicating are TOTALLY different.

I'd have two words for the dickwad - they would be f*ck off! Those should be the only words coming out of your mouth IF and when you should ever speak to him again.

I'm truly sorry you're where you are now, however, ya can't say you weren't warned! ;-) *MUAH*!

I understand this guy hurt you, but he obviously doesn't want to be bothered with you anymore. Whether he's moved on for real, or he's just full of crap, let him go. He's not worth the time or energy you're spending whining and obsessing over him.
go grab your girlfriends, get all dolled up and hit up your fave club. dance with hot guys let them by you drinks and forget about him. think of this as the opportunity to start your great next love affair.

Hi Miss. Beth,

(((Miss Beth)))) here's a hug to help you get through this ordeal with your ex.

Take Care,
Kelli

Sorry for late post - damn time difference! Anyway, I say go ahead and meet him. You want to, and you have lots of reasons why this is valid and at the end of the day nothing any of your pals say is actually going to stop you, is it?
So call him up and organise a time. But (and if I could underline the but I would) write down all the things you want to say to him in a letter. Then write the letter again, and then write it a third time. That way you're clear, geddit! You're clear about what it is that needs to be said. Not hostile, not angry and no public scenes of overwrought emotionality. (Nothing worse for your cred)
I did this with an ex and I was able to tell him all the things I needed to say to get closure on a level.
And it kind of worked. But if I were to tell the truth I'd have to say that at the end of the day it really didn't make that much difference because what it came down to was me being willing to just steer clear of him, feel my feelings of heartbreak and eventually get over it. Took ages though so you have my sympathy.

Miss Beth: I highly recommend the book Drama King: The Men Who Drive Strong Women Crazy by Dalma Heynes. A friend gave me that book as a gift, while I was still struggling to get over a grade A A-hole years ago. I read that book like it was a coursebook that I was going to be tested in, learnt all the lessons I needed and never looked back. It also helps that it is so funny.

Also, I'd like to add this: I'm trying to say it delicately because I think you are in enough pain already. Use this time to build a few quality relationships with other women. I say this because having moved to a new city and being friendless (well, not having ANY long-term friends - and I'm a person who feels mostly comfortable with people I have known for a long time), I know how easy it is to lean to a guy to provide all that good girlfriends are meant to provide. I dare say that If you don't have many good girlfriends, you are going to be too needy with a guy. Which is counterproductive as very few of them can give you that kind of relationship you need to have with friends.

http://www.been-dumped.com/saying_goodbye_to_a_drama_king.php

Beautifully put.

...Ok.. Beth, this guy has mental issues, and I don't even think they are related to you, ...obviously he's angry and perhaps jealous?... On what grounds I can't say the reasons why he is acting out,because I don't know what prodded his behavior..........truth is , he's inconsistent, he playin' with ya' and he's a player......maybe he just feels like you are trying to get too close and he is not capable of dealing like a normal guy.

...........trust me...been there..dun' that...baby girl , we ALL HAVE!!!------if he's a repeat offender and you had this prob last year..that tells me ...he's wacko..sorry, no other way to put it... and the worst part about this..he'll contact you again when he drops that nurse for another "birthday nugget" ..lemme' tell ya' , you are investing serious emotion into a nutcase.. he will continue to " bait and switch".. just to keep emotional power over you,......obviously, you like him too much...BUT THIS GUY, PLAIN AND SIMPLY..IS NOT WELL, and you will continue to be a piece on his chessboard until you come to the conclusion that you be willing to be adult enough and independent enough, to close the casket on a corpse..now..ask yourself...are really up to having this guy control YOUR emotional health?... if it's a challenge you wish to repeat and ENDURE, are addicted to and want to be upset 99.9 percent of the time.. just keep lettin' him in..your wish will be granted...

Bethy, beauty.......... belle fille............do you REALLY want a mental case on your hands??? ..if you do.... keep followin' that bus bebe!!

Beth,

Getting over him means GETTING OVER HIM. It seems in not letting him "get away with this"... you're trying to not let him get away.

Take a deep breath, straighten that already solid reserve and move on, honey. He doesn't want to talk to you? You don't need a friend like that, anyway. He has a new girlfriend? Sucks for her!

Express yourself in any way that does not involve contacting him and eventually, you'll be fine. I know it sucks, but you're moving on to the bigger and better.

I'm surprised that you want to give this guy a hug instead of a kick in the jock strap. You need to go cold turkey on this turkey of yours and have no contact with him whatsoever. This is the year of change, which means getting rid of the jerks in our lives.

I love PRETTY IN PINK, but I also hate it. Molly Ringwald's character should've ended up with Ducky at the end, not that douche-face played by Andrew McCarthy. That ending really burns me up.

I'm with Amy on this one. The guy thinks you'll be there for him whenever he feels like having you. Don't be that girl. You're too good for him.

You're so right. Ducky Dale was a catch.

I know this will be the first of many times I say this, but:

EVERY GUY IS THE WRONG GUY UNTIL YOU MEET THE RIGHT GUY

...and he is so very wrong.