Since you posted anon, I am gonna post as yourself, and tell you what YOu would've said to this post if it wasn't you:

Do NOT fall into the trap of "taking what you can get", which is what you seem to have been doing here. Your instinct does not fail you. You took friendship 'cause there wasn't anything else to take, and now you find yourself even begging for that.
One more, and you would just give the guy a reason to roll his eyes.
Let it go. Be a warrior, bring your chin up, and accept that not everyone will succumb to the charms of your enchanted witchcraft. Nothing better for your dignity than taking a loss without a but.

And speaking as Keka, yes, it has happened to me. Yes it hurts, but it is what it is.

Yes, it's sad but I usually get over it. As much time as it took that person to break it off with you is about how much time you should ponder over it.
Forget him...who doesn't want to be friends or lovers with the beautiful and hot Ms. Mary!

Rejection doesn't feel very good. Give yourself a day or two to feel badly, and then leave him behind. He's not worthy of your friendship.

I bet he'll succumb to my enchanting witchcraft when I make a voodoo doll in his honor and stick safety pins in his head! LOL!

Ditto. Allow yourself to feel bad then forgive the poor fool for not recognizing the fineness and uniqueness that is you, and move on. There's more guys to tantalize.

So true. And you're right. He's not. It became evident he was never "worthy" of me to start with, thus, dialing back down the heat to just "friends". I felt an affection for him, though, prior to that as a good friend. It makes me sad, then pisses me off that he is now the one rejecting ME! LOL!

Not the head, girl! Not the one he uses to think, I mean.

And, ahem, make sure you do it on a Full Moon night...

Ah! I didn't think of the full moon! Ha! I will do that. And I usually do both heads! ;-)

Remind me to tell you the time I did that to a guy, pin the in big head, and he was hospitalized 2 days later with a major sinus infection. No joke. Way cool.

Mary, losing friends is hard whether they are romantic or not. ive had girls turn on me, I've lost friends over the years, and it IS very sad, it is a loss, because on some level you liked this person. period. Don't feel bad, its normal, the sad truth is no matter how enchanting we think we are, others dont always see us that way, right or wrong.

I'm guessing he doesn't want another buddy but a real bonafied girlfriend to give all his attention to...It's hard enough these days keeping a close relationship with someone without having to worry about all the maintenance "friends" need... this has more to do with him and less to do with you, so stop being soft and get moving cause life is too short and saddness over friendship loss should really be limited to under 18 age group....

Hey Mary,

I wouldn't rush to conclusions. Friendships ebb and flow. We need different friends at different times - depending upon what we're going through. Maybe he met someone and that makes him uncomfortable around you. He may not even be aware that he's being curt. Maybe somebody told him you said something.....You just don't know, do you?

Ask first! is my motto. If you love someone, you owe them that. Maybe he'll respond, maybe he won't, but at least you're willing to go deeper. And helping him possibly learn to communicate better now, or in the future. Rarely, do people think about how their actions in the moment affect others.

If he doesn't want to be your friend - it's a free country. Cry it out, watch a couple sappy movies, and be determined to remember that you are a good friend. Especially, to yourself!

Mary,
That's not the way a friend behaves, you know that! Give yourself a little time to grieve for what you always wanted, which was probably more than friendship. I always give it 24 hours and then try to move on. Remember the past few times you were together was just as friends, if you need to obsess (which we sometimes do) you can pick apart all the interactions and words, but give yourself a limit. Then move on. Sometimes there is no way to understand the way someone else is feeling - no matter how much we wish we could. Remember what FRIEND means.

:)
Amy

I was real close friends with this girl in high school. I thought we were close. We spent time together. We were on the phone for hours. I comforted her when her father used to beat her, and she would get thrown out of the house. We were everything to each other. Even though she had a boyfriend, she never put me on the back burner to be with him. Then all of a sudden, she just disappeared. I tried calling. No answer. I went by her house. Her family would tell me she wasn't home. I didn't understand. It took me years to get over that. It still bothers me sometimes when I hear people talk about her. Why is still friends with them and not me? I guess I will never know. My point is that people will come in and out of your life all the time. We alwys want closure, and we spend years being unhappy because we can never get it. My advice to you is to close that chapter in your life an move on. Remember the good times, and don't let the sad times drain you. Just know that you tried to be the best friend you could and walk away with a smile. And if you ever see that person again, always be friendly and cordial regardless of the other person's actions.

I was real close friends with this girl in high school. I thought we were close. We spent time together. We were on the phone for hours. I comforted her when her father used to beat her, and she would get thrown out of the house. We were everything to each other. Even though she had a boyfriend, she never put me on the back burner to be with him. Then all of a sudden, she just disappeared. I tried calling. No answer. I went by her house. Her family would tell me she wasn't home. I didn't understand. It took me years to get over that. It still bothers me sometimes when I hear people talk about her. Why is still friends with them and not me? I guess I will never know. My point is that people will come in and out of your life all the time. We alwys want closure, and we spend years being unhappy because we can never get it. My advice to you is to close that chapter in your life an move on. Remember the good times, and don't let the sad times drain you. Just know that you tried to be the best friend you could and walk away with a smile. And if you ever see that person again, always be friendly and cordial regardless of the other person's actions.

I think your dude and your duds have a lot in common – both hanging in the closet. Give him space, let him know you are cool and should the time come, he can be honest with you and himself.

My guess is that he is now in a relationship with a woman who runs a tight ship. In other words, he is no longer allowed to be friends with smoking hot blondes with long legs who wear fancy lingerie. Especially if he had a thang with said blonde.

I agree with Raven. He's probably seeing someone else and she either watches him closely or, he doesn't want to be friends because he thinks he might still have feelings for you.. Men are simple beings. lol

Hi Mary,

Earlier this year, I lost touch with a good friend after we jaywalked over that invisible friendship line during a party. I was drunk, he was drunk, and yet that didn't make things any less awkward afterward. I promise that I am by no means drawing any deep comparisons here, but I do think that once the lines get blurred, it's really hard to successfully un-blur (so to speak).

There may be that nostalgic period after you break up and you still want in on each other's lives (hence the beers and the ball-game, etc.), but it's possible that he suddenly decided, for whatever reason, that this wasn't enough or that he's ready to move on - completely. Unfortunately, most friendships/relationships don't end in the kind of closure we need, so we end up having to create that closure for ourselves. Sometimes, life can be quite the shit sandwich.

That's when our imaginations come in handy.

I find that it helps to imagine what you think happened on the other person's end. The picture I usually paint for myself is this:

"Friend X woke up one beautiful morning and realized he's not good enough for me, one of the supreme beings of Earth. He's decided not to tell me this, because it would just make him feel that much worse. He resolves that one day, he'll be good enough to talk to me again (or die trying). The End."

It sounds lame, but this story works for me. Over time, I forgive him and, more importantly, I still like me.

Hope this helps,
Irene

Hi Mary. I am new here, but quickly catching up. LOL

I have a question. Who was the one who wanted the romantic relationship to revert back to the friendship, you or him?

If it was you, he could be feeling hurt himself. The more time that passes, the more he realizes that he allowed his vulnerability to come through and you rejected it. He could be feeling weirder by the day.

If it was him, maybe he does have a new romantic interest and remaining close with you, a friend/turned lover/turned friend is just a little too sticky a situation for him at the moment. But that's not to say that moments don' t pass and who knows what tomorrow may bring.

If it truly is his friendship you crave, then just give him a little time to get back into it. If it's the romantic aspect of the relationship you hope will be rekindled, it's probably a good idea not to dwell on that. Go about living your life, meeting new friends and embarking upon new romances. Then, when he finally does get his act together and come beggin back with his tail between his legs, suddenly you'll have the 'upper hand' and it will be up to you whether you still want him around as a friend or lover or both. Let's Seinfeld's George Costanza be your guide: "Jerry, I need hand. I have no hand." Just my humble opinion. Hope it helps. :o)

Men and women cannot be friends.

Mary writes: Have you ever had someone you once cared for not want to be your friend anymore? Did it make you sad?

I've been through my fair share of relationships, and, if there is two things I've learned, it's 1. Men and women CAN'T be friends (good point blondie) and 2. Men will absolutely not make any effort to talk to you unless they really want to.

You have to ask yourself, is it really worth the effort of trying to reconcile with someone who doesn't want to be friends with you? Sometimes people are put in our lives at certain times for certain reasons. Nobody ever really comes to terms with why this happens ... it just does.

Take it from someone who has loved and learned and yearned and lost and whatever, you have to take what you can get and smile because you are the person you are because of the people you've encountered up until this point.

There is a reason those people don't make it to your future anyway ... right?

Blondie says: "Men and women cannot be friends."

Speaking from a guy's perspective, there is some merit to this statement ... especially one sexual lines have been crossed.

Most normal, straight men have only on thing on their minds when it comes to women -- sex.

Now, this isn't necessarily bad. We don't always think of "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" or only desire no-strings attached sex.

That being said, I will tell you this -- every guys has at least thought of having sex with a friend who is female. If they haven't thought about having sex with her, they think about the reasons why they wouldn't.

Why do I say this here? Because it explains Mary's predicament.

Mary - you slept with this man, and, as a normal man, he wants more. The line has been crossed, and he'll never see you as "just a friend" ... because you no longer are just friends.

A few people ahead put it best -- your desire to be friends with him is, in part, making something from nothing. You know it is not going to work at a boyfriend-girlfriend, but you also don't want the sex to be meaningless. So, your psychological comprise is to remain friends with him, hoping he will feel the same in return.

Unfortunately, he had sex with you before, so he'll want to have sex with you again.

So, what do you do? As many have said before me, walk away. He doesn't see you as "just a friend" anymore. It's not that he's a bad guy. The reality is, perhaps he enjoyed the sex, and knows it'll never happen ago, so it's best just to walk away period.

It's just the way most of us straight guys think. We don't instantaneously think of sex the first time we lay eyes one the opposite sex, but at some point, we will -- especially if there is a friendship.

First question: who decided to be just friends? That is never a mutual decision and, hint, if you think it was mutual than it was definitely your decision. Not everyone can go from dating to being just friends, even if they weren't the ones that got their hearts broken. That seems to me to be the case here. I don't deny that he is treating you poorly, but that is just one more reason why you don't want to stay friends with him. You think now that you will not be the same without his friendship, but that feeling will pass...eventually. Good luck!

Mary:

I have definitely had a similar experience happen to me before. I was friends with a guy and we dated for a few months. He realized he was only interested in me as a friend and asked if we could just remain friends. I hesitantly agreed as I have learned that it's typically not always easy to remain friends.

I tried to reach out several times just asking how things were going etc and I too would get a very short reply or no reply at all. I think sometimes the real reason someone says let's be friends is simply because it's easier to use that as your default go to answer. The person may actually not really want to be friends, but they probably feel bad about the situation and it's the easiest route to take.

I am sure the guy you were dating genuinely liked you or he wouldn't have dated you nor would you have had the friendship you had to begin with, but I think that sometimes people say, "let's be friends" just because it's easy. Maybe he felt bad to just let it go, maybe he sincerely wanted to be your friend and realized later on he really didn't or maybe this guy is just a total D Bag not worthy of anyone's friendship=)

It's hard anytime someone doesn't put the same effort into a friendship. It's definitely sad to decide to let someone go that you once cared about, but in the long run it's for the best to surround yourself with friends who actually make an effort rather than those who don't.

HI Mary,

I think first you should make sure that its the friendship that you miss and not anything else. Could it be you miss being with him?? And since you guys decided to be friends, you think its the friendship you miss?

Its easy to confuse our feelings, especially when dating friends.

Maybe, you guys can be friends, but just not now. Perhaps you two need some time to pass before you can go back to being friends. If he is being rude and curt, don't contact him for awhile...wait for a holiday or birthday to contact again.

Maybe all you guys needed was a little time apart.

In kindergarten I met a kid. He said, "Hey, nice shirt." I thought, "Oh, I have a friend." We shared crayons or something." It was fun. Then one day I got a Ghostbuster action figure that had rotating arms and and a stomach. I showed my friend. He said, "Oh cool. Let me see it." I gave it to him. I was hungry so I ate some raisins or maybe I went to the bathroom. When I came back my friend was playing in the sandbox. He was digging holes with my action figure. I thought, "Oh cool." Then I said, "Can I have my action figure back?" He said, "Come on!" and threw it at me. I picked up the action figure. None of the rotating parts worked anymore. There was sand in all the gears. I tired to tell a teacher. She didn't understand. She said, "Don't dig holes with your action toys." I tried to find my friend. He wouldn't talk to me. He never talked to me again. I guess what I'm trying to say is that some people don't understand. They're oblivious to their actions. Partly it's my own fault, but sometimes its best not to get stressed over it. I've grown up. I sold the action figure at a yard sale a long time ago. I've forgotten what the kid who dug holes in the sand with my action figure looks like. I forget his name. I've moved on. In your case sex was involved, but in a way it's not so different from me and my action figure. This guy, took something from you, and used it, then he tossed it back at you when he was done. Maybe one day he'll come back, but its best to tell him that toy is gone and one like it will never be available to him again. If the kid had come to me the next day and asked to play in the sandbox then I would have said, "Sure," but that's probably as far as it would have gone.

It is always sad to lose a friend, and we can all relate to that. But you deserve a friend (and a boyfriend) who respects you enough to at least be honest about what he's feeling; not one who drives you away with his cold attitude so he doesn't have to deal with it. There's a theory that people come and go in our life as we need them; we are all here to help each other on some part of our own journeys. I think that may be true, but that doesn't mean we get to treat them like dirt once we're done. Go get your hair done or treat yourself to something else that makes you feel fabulous, and get ready for the next person in your life to come along!

Hurting is worse when you don't allow yourself to feel it. However, after you get past the point of pity, you need to figure out what signs of flakiness you missed about this guy. I hate to be cliché but here it goes, “Fool you once, shame on him. Fool you twice, shame on you.”

Also, you sound like someone who is trying her best to convince herself that she doesn’t care about the rejection. Unfortunately, your effort falls short. I’m not convinced. But that’s okay. I don’t have to be. Just resolve in your heart to do better and move on, love.

TM Lewis

It seems to me like you have experienced a typical case of "sex complicates things,"-- which seems to always be the case when two people are very unsure of where they stand with each other....neway, its sad that it has to come down to you loosing a friend, but you are probably much better off without his friendship. I know exactly how you are feeling. You're not emotionally sad, but you're feeling a certain kinda sadness, i think, because of how he is choosing to handle the situation. It's more about principal--"If you dont want to me my friend anymore than just tell me flat out, instead of being curt and acting like im bothering you." Right? Well hun I have learned that guys DO NOT know how to communicate properly! lol....you sound like you're a FAB person and im sure one good night out on the town in a really cute dress will have you feeling better in no time!...he's lost out on your fabulousity girl

Alas we come to the eternal question, "Can men and women truly be friends?" I have had amazing relationships in my life that post-breakup I wanted to become friendships; however, once you've been romantically involved with someone there is generally too much emotional baggage to sustain a friendship. To pass the time and to move past the hurt and frustration, focus on the relationship you have with yourself. Rent a cheesy romantic movie, laugh until you cry (or pee your pants whichever comes first), take a long hot bath (hopefully your tub is cleaner than mine lol), eat chocolate, and focus on enjoying the wonderful, romantic, ironic, kooky relationship you have with yourself.

When people die under unknown circumstances, an autopsy is performed. It's slimy, cold and I'm guessing pretty damn pungent, but it is done nonetheless.

Why? Because it's easier for survivors to mourn and recover from the loss with a solid knowledge of what went wrong. Recovery from the death of a relationship or friendship is no different. His reason maybe hurtful, insulting or down right lame as "My new girlfriend doesn't like for me to talk to other girls," but once it is said you can go about the rest of your life either accepting his point or at least talk about how stupid it is with your girlfriends.

If you're not getting the answer you hope for- make one up. There are the obvious reasons: gay, emotionally retarded, socially stunted, gay.

Or, just kill him off. Yes, it is strange if you see someone you've declared dead walking into your bar, but remind yourself it's only the ghost of a man who missed his golden opportunity to feel true kindness and friendship.

You have fallen into the "When Harry met Sally Factor" how long can men and women be friends without sex getting involved to fuck everything up? The answer is, that is a bullshit question. You both probably became so close because you found something in each other like yourselves. Laugh at the same TV shows, like the same food, and generally enjoy each others company. Intellectually we all know romance is the death of a friendship and yet we find ourselves waiting to be kissed. It is a vicious cycle that spares only the chaste among us. You have a right to be sad, you have lost a good friend, possibly a good lover and a shoulder to cry on and laugh on. There is no easy way out of the "weirdness" aside from passing the time with distraction and personal growth that the next time you will be more careful. So when you do run into him and your heart jumps just a little, smile and say hello. You were good friends once and were able to know each other in ways most people will never know either of you, maybe he'll grow up and smile back.

Oh goodness here we go again! It's human nature, isn't it?! As soon as we are denied something we completely and totally want it, we need it even and we spend WAY too much time wondering what we ever did to be denied the companionship of this perfect, perfect man(the only one who ever lived, by the way). Augh!
Did that sound melodramatic enough? Well, capture that feeling of amusement at my melodrama and remember it because you are going to have a sense of deja vu the day you have wisely moved on and look back amused at your own melodramatic worry over this flawed man's withholding of his affections towards you.
Fact is, you'll probably never know, without an embarrasing "WHY?!(tears)" display, what ever happened to turn him off. He may have heard that you are madly in love with him and be scared off(in whch case, sayonara!), and then again one of his friends could be madly in love with you and told him to lay off or else... So chin up, go confidently with the latter and the next time you see him(after you've already forgotten about him) you'll be so irresistibly confident and over it he'll probably be writing in to the maxim advice column pronto wondering why you're not into him anymore.

PS. The only reason I feel comfortable saying, "here we go again" is because...been there!!

Honestly, the guy seems like typical guy. Once the clothes have come off or there has been a romantic relationship, regardless of how you want it to end, it is NOT going to end on a friendship note, because face it. Guys are not wired like that. It's like a version of the movie "When Harry Met Sally," in most cases men and women won't remain friends once a relationship is over. There is just to much baggage and that friendship becomes contrived when one person starts dating someone new. Do you really want to maintain a friendship with him when he starts dating someone else(which my guess is he has already and either he is uncomfortable or the girlie is controlling) either way... move on to something better. Cherish the friendship you had, but recognize that it is in the past. Good luck!

Okay, this is the eternal dilemma of fantasy vs. reality with guys and dating. It just goes to prove, you can do everything right and it can still be a drag. It definitely sounds like you did everything righteously, friendship first... I have been trying to hash out if the details matter, who made the first move, were you drunk when you got together, was anyone on the rebound, but none of that stuff really matters. Here is the case of an obvious non-communicator (him) not honoring you because poor guy doesn't have the tools to say what's on his mind. It's easier for him to run away and the truth of the matter is to look at that honestly. You sound like someone who is okay with open honest communication, he does not. If the shoe were on the other foot and possibly you didn't know how to communicate your feelings, you may have been slinking off in the shadows, too. But, not to worry, if he's slinking off in the corner with twangs of conscience, or totally numb and oblivious, you know what you like in someone, which is a communicator. Don't fall for any acts, really look to see if the guys you are attracted to have the skills it takes to talk the language of the heart. And if they don't start asking yourself, "why?" There is something in you that likes it if it's a pattern. If it's not, then good riddance. Sometimes what we miss most in a failed relationship is the person we think that person ought to have been. Not really the person themselves. Wrap your noggen around that! Seriously though, allow yourself to feel sad. It's really sad when we invest in someone and they don't invest back. It hurts and that is what being alive is, the ability to feel. As dim a booby prize as this may seem, you my dear, are really alive. Stay that way!

Hi Mary!

Yes! It is so sad to have someone that you cared or care about deeply not want to be your friend anymore. I had a similar situation this past year, so am very empathetic to your problem. The one thing that I can impart to you that I learned through my failed friendship-relationship is that people deal with the pain of ending a relationship in extremely different ways.
For me, I wanted nothing more than to be able to remain friends with this guy and to know that he still liked and cared about me, as it seems like you want with your friend. But I quickly realized that for him that was too tough, and the more I tried to remain friendly the more curt and terse his responses to me became.
To be completely honest the only way that I could really start to get over it was exactly what you're saying that you're doing and not contact him. It's become easier and easier each time I run into him. Obviously the first time will be tough, but it will get better. Sometimes in the long run it's more beneficial just to let things go completely. I know it's so much easier said than done, and of course it's always sad to lose someone that you cared about, but try to remember the friendship as a good thing at the time and acknowledge that it probably will not be the same again. Hey, who knows, maybe you'll run into him five years from now and then you guys could be great friends again. Good luck Mary, I hope it gets easier!
-T.E.

Be honest with yourself--do you REALLY want to be his friend again, or are you just feeling rejected? You see the thing is, it's difficult to be friends with someone who doesn't want to be friends with you. Do not put your energy into people who do not reciprocate--that's what friendship is--give and take; Quid pro quo. After a break up, many people are confronted with the should we be friends question. If you were friends before the romantic relationship, and you truly had a connection, then there's hope that you might one day be friends again when all of the smoke clears. But right now this guy is acting more like a wounded animal than a friend who truly cares about you. person. However, if you're using friendship as a code word for the intimacy you once shared, then it's clear that that's over. Be a friend to yourself and work on getting over the loss of this relationship, and thank your lucky stars for all of the true amazing friends you do have.

First thing is first, we must ask ourself two questions: How good of friends were you before you became romantic with one another and also why the relationship did not work out. Assuming you were both great friends prior to dating for the five month period, let's focus on the next question.

As a member of that strange and peculiar male species, I can see many issues that may arise when two friends become involved romantically, issues that may have been avoided before you both fought off those raging hormones and decided to call each other friends. You have both sealed the deal and accepted the comfort in knowing your positions. Seldom times, not often, that deal can be reversed successfully and the friends can be romantically involved in a story book fairytale that ends with the words 'happily ever after.' But always beware of the alternate ending...the ending which concludes with the words 'pressured, confused and awkward.'

In short, when two people who decide to be friends hook up, they often times develop certain expectations about what goes on and how they should feel in the romance. When the outcome isn't the same as our expectations, we begin to feel insecure, a feeling that isn't good when our actions already overflow us with uncertainty. Your friend may have felt awkward and unable to relate to you on a romantic level after already being friends. He may have thought the same for you. Whatever the case, talk to him. Tell him how you feel and how at the very least, what his friendship means to you.

Two things could happen: He may come around and decide to open up. maybe he needed a little heart to heart. Not all people where their hearts on their sleeve. Or he may tell you what he has needed to tell you all along..."I liked you better as a friend." That's okay too. Either way, you have the boyfriend back and your startin' fresh or your feeling back to normal with an old friend. Just take it slow, relax and good luck.

Mary,
Let me preface my response by saying I have several friends who are men and only friends, and a few that are more than friends. That said, it is nearly impossible to go back once that line has been crossed, especially for the guy, and more especially if you were the one that pulled back the reins on the romance. For most guys (according to my guy friends), there is a natural progression from friendship - to romance - to get it on, and it is a one way street.
Chin up. If the friendship was solid (for him), he will find his way back when the ego bruise heals.

Ego. He hurt yours. You didn't want him, you knew he wasn't right for you, but the fact that he's rejecting you still hurts.

Here's the deal, I know men and not just because I am one. Unfortunately a lot of men suffer from "I- think- with- my -penis- itis, also known as, "I can't be friends with a female unless she's related to me or she's a 'friend' because I'm trying to sleep with her". Take note that the ladder part of this definition is just a pretense that goes on automatically for many men. Maybe it's something biological, I have no idea, but frankly I don't feel like bringing in nature because that’s just a whole can of worms that I'd rather not get into today. Besides my can opener is broken, like friendship after sex. But I digress. We all know that if you're sleeping with someone, or you might sleep with someone... that is not friendship. 2+2=4. And if you ever Were... friends? The moment you did the horizontal twist, you can kiss that bitter sweet friend ship good bye, or file it under missing. At that point you can only date, be a couple, or be friends with benefits. What ever you do, know that the fundamentals that make a friendship what they are, have dissipated. The fact is a lot of men approach a female friend thinking on some level that they might be able to “get some of that”. Haven't you noticed that most of our friends are the same sex? Ever wonder why? I've listened to my friends voice how worried they are about meeting some girl who they are trying to be friends with. It always amazes me because they aren't half as worried about meeting some male counterpart. Think about what conjures up that kind of anxiety. "She might not find me attractive". But hey man you're just trying to be her friend, right? Of course the answer is always yes, but underneath that so called yes is an undeniable NO! Wrapping this up, if you are friends with a man, then sleep with him and then stop for some reason, I'm holding up a BIG FAT RED stop sign for you!! You can't expect to go back to friendship because the sex penetrated ( not in a good way either ) and killed it. I don't find that most men, ( and some women) have the emotional IQ of resuming a friendship after they've had sex and then stopped. I smell no sex and candy here, so if it stopped being sweet like candy, be happy to move on. Besides TRUE friendship can with stand anything.

Mary,
I would think long and hard about what it is you want from this guy if you were to remain friends. It appears he's a very sucky friend which he has demonstrated by not being there for you.

It's fairly simple: if the boy is not emotionally or physically clicking with you as a Boyfriend, he's probably not going to magically become friend of the year and understand your needs in that capacity. In short, we need to fire him from both jobs: friend, and boyfriend. No severance.

If you still harbor feelings for this young rogue I would be wary of trying to be his friend, because you might be torturing yourself under the guise of friendship. Tell me you aren't secretly hoping for some x-sex down the road when beers turns into 1am sloppy make-out session in the back of some bar. I've been there. Frankly I've hoped for worse. And frankly I've gotten it. But that ain't your way baby.

Maybe he wants space, or is trying to figure out the new rules of friendship post breakup.

Either way it doesn't really sound like he's doing you any favors by acting aloof, and jerky. I can appreciate wanting to not feel rejected by him in some way, but he sounds immature, and it sounds like he's not ready to make-good on his friendship offer, so I'd say don't call him anymore. You've got better friends, and better future/sex/lovers out there girl.

xxxchampagne&cheetos
Franny

Oh my god! Great advice! And mega points for bringing in that song. Awesome Bruce.





Okay, one request from someone who tends to be loquacious too - paragraphs! Please?

Everybody may want to be your friend, but the truth is you just can't be friends with everyone. This gentleman (and I'm being generous by calling him that) does not deserve your friendship. There could be a thousand and one reasons why he's acting like a jerk. I like to blame it on the high hormone-content polluting the drinking water which gives men PMS-symptoms more days of the month than not. You're like me--even when the relationship does not work out you would like to salvage something, just out of your admiration for the person. Sometimes I've gained lifelong friends this way, other times I just realized that we're better off as perfect strangers. You did your best...now just surround yourself with the other people who appreciate you and your big fantastic heart.

Dearest Mary,

One of the definitions in Buddhist terms of suffering is "attachment". I don't feel this enlightened view yearns us to disconnect from others. It simply implies that when we create connection it is imperative to anchor it in the foundation of a truly pure heart. In an excerpt from Cutting the Cords That Bind You, by Ayal Hurst, she expresses that "to connect from the heart is appropriate if we are able to connect from a place of loving detachment." This means we give our love freely, uninhibited and without condition. Hurst effortlessly articulates this when she states, "We love not from neediness, insecurity, ego enhancement to prove anything or to gain anything. We just Love as we would love and feel deep appreciation toward a beautiful sunset. That is Loving Detachment. Creating a connection in this manner does not envelop us nor does it consume energy from another. It only loves.

Before I stumbled across this revelation I was the violator and victim of my own despair and self-worthlessness. What I mean is, I loved this woman with every fiber of my being. I believed that I had found the proverbial "one." When she divulged the "I love you DJ, I am just no longer in love with you" rhetoric my Mind-Body-Soul-save-this-thing-that-you-think-is-true-and-Destined-Love kicked in. That's when I felt complete and utter rejection. And it was in the wallowing mire of this ungodly depth of despair that I clung to the Love that was once there but no longer existed like a rock climber without ropes. Making someone be in love with you that isn't in love with you is like attempting to resurrect the already resurrected Christ. I had to awaken and realize that I wasn't connected correctly. I had to evolve and grow as an individual. I had to learn to love unconditionally and not out of selfishness. Listen to what Hurst says here.....

"When we come from a place of need, when we "need" something from another we attach a cord to them not from the heart but from other, less clear places. This pulls and sucks at the energy of another and can cause consequences which do not work for the Highest Good, for any concerned. That is why true Love is called unconditional. We do not place conditions or expectations on it. It is freely given.."

Kapow........

Mary do not fool yourself. You made the assertion "(But, hell, EVERYBODY wants to be my friend! ;-))." Confidence is easily misconstrued with arrogance. Arrogance and praise of oneself gives light to the lack of belief in oneself. That is why you are faced with this struggle. It is you that needs to reflect, assess and move forward. Enjoying the beautiful individual you are. Free of unhealthy attachments. Creating connections that are from a pure place inside of you, free from selfishness, ego, pride and conditions....

One Love, Dj williams

I'll think about it... BITE ME!! LOL

It seems like we spend the most mental time on people who reject us, or cause us to step back and question our worth. It's perplexing - WE like us, why doesn't EVERYONE like us? It's natural human instinct to want to belong, and to be accepted, even by people you might not wholly enjoy, for some odd reason. If this guy wasn't The One, or even The One for Now, but his rejecting you still stings, just realize it's your ego that's bruised, not your actual heart. Your ego might not feel too good, but your heart is actually full and healthy, you'll bounce back.

Dear Mary,

I've had a similar situation with a guy. I came to the conclusion that this simply has nothing to do with you. You shouldn't boggle your mind trying to figure out what you did to drive him away. The only thing you did was try to be the woman in his life.

He is confused and doesn't know if he should settle down or be single. He enjoyed spending time with you and you were really close. But when he realized this, he became threatened by the notion that you could be a good partner for him. That is why he is shying away now. He doesn't know what he wants!

Dearest Mary,

It's not your fault, personally I blame genetics. To put it in its simplest terms, women are the nurturing types, willing to make friends out of former lovers, to overlook the past and continue forward as best buddies who don't get naked and sweaty with each other. Men, on the other hand, are the explorers, and if they can't plant their flag any longer on that sweet, hot, curvy piece of real estate, then its time to weigh anchor and sail off into the sunset, because Time waits for no Man. Plus Men die sooner, so for us the clock is always ticking.

Hey Mary,
Of course we all have and anyone who says otherwise is a liar..seriously. It does make us sad, but in these situations I just tell myself that I deserve better, and so do you. Who cares why he changed his mind, it is his loss. Be sad, spend the night with Ben & Jerry, or Bailey's, Johnny Walker-whatever your poison and be sad, then tomorrow...move on. :0)
I also agree with G. up there, but usually I am the one moving on!! haha, but your situation is different because you were friends first, that is the problem with crossing that line...

First of all, I really appreciate your courage in asking this question, trust me sweetie you are not the only one to have ever been in this predicament! Now for the hard stuff, you said it's obvious to you that your ex/friend doesn’t want to be your friend anymore due to his "curtness". To me, it sounds like you may be jumping to a conclusion because you’re a little afraid of looking desperate or silly. What doesn’t work about this strategy is that it leaves you feeling sad and probably a bit angry. I suggest you tell him the truth. Just rip the bandage off and let him know that you’re feeling shut out and want to know if it’s all in your head or if he’s really not interested in being your friend anymore. I mean, if this were one of your Gossip Girl/SATC watching girlfriends would you be ending your close relationship, which is what you allude to having had with this person, over an assumption? People have lives of their own and sometimes rather than talking about their problems they pull away or become curt. Perhaps, this is what is going on with your ex/friend. If this is someone you truly care for and not some break-the-glass-in-case-of-emergency-cuddle-buddy than ask him. You really have nothing to lose, but you might gain a friend back or at the very least some closure.

Did it make me mad? I can tell you my experience made me feel a lot of things. Being mad was only one of them. More than anything I kept questioning myself. Was it something physical, something about my personality, was it something I said or did that messed things up with him . To be honest, many times I found myself replaying moments we shared together over and over in my head, and mentally tried to analyze each one of them in hopes of stumbling on a possible reason to explain why he chose to cut me off. It felt as if I needed a precise reason or justification to feel at peace with myself. I kept asking myself, "what did I do?" What about me was wrong. To be quite honest I think it was this constant questioning and self picking that made me angry more than anything else. Not to mention the whole thinking about it too. How many times haven't you hated yourself for allowing your mind to go there. Mary, don't beat yourself up because you still care, I mean you were thinking about it when you wrote your comment. Instead allow yourself to naturally depart those self polluting emotions by realizing that you are still acceptable and worthy even without this guy who chose to cut you off. Why he did it, his problem not yours. You need to rise above this and be completely confident and stand by the woman you are. Not everybody may and will like her but it is who you are and you simply don't question that. When you care about someone, and it could be anybody, family, boy, friend, whatever, and things don't work out and you get hurt it sucks. Trust me, I know. But all I can tell you is that you will get through it. Not by trying to hide how you feel and pretending you don't care, but by stopping all those feelings of unworthiness and self criticisms. Don't insist on something that you know can't no longer be. Instead prepare the field for other relationships that come along by loving and praising you.

God yes, its called life but don't give up so easily. Life goes in cycles. What is here today, may be gone tomorrow and vise a versa. Think of life as an ocean...lots of fishys in the sea. Swim until you find the right ones and the best part is there are new ones. Ones that are better suited to where you are headed. Don't assume you are to blame that the one you cared for is now distant. I have come to find that in the end it had nothing to do with me but everything to do with them. Just to let you know the fact that you are sad makes you human and you should be grateful for that. It means you care. Happy swimming.

Hey Mary,

Losing a friend to an FDE (Failed Dating Experiment) is always tough, but did you ever think about WHY you’re sad?

If this was “the guy” – straight-up – it would have worked out, not as friends or even friends-with-benefits but as a romantic couple. And then, let’s say the no-making-out/ bestest buddy thing had happily lasted…would your next boyfriend be totally cool with your man pal having ever seen you naked? (The answer there is of course Hell to the No.)

Most likely, you’re bumming here because this is a situation that’s no longer under your control. Up until he got cyber-rude, you believed you had this whole game in your arena – while he couldn’t have -- because frankly, no guy is looking to keep his ex as a friend unless he believes in his mind, soul and pants that bootie calls may happen. Think about it: is he getting snappy because he has moved on (have you?) or because his heart is broken? Either way, honestly, did you really want him as a chum or as Boyfriend Back-up until the next stud arrives? The sadness you feel most likely comes from the fact that a once obedient dog will now sniff elsewhere…before you decided to let him off the leash.

And as always, the healthy advice for life is: don’t talk to people who act like jerks. It’s bad enough we have bosses and landlords – how much more grumpiness do you need?


Lata,

IJ

It's always sad when a relationship ends -- whether it's a friendship or something more -- and it's okay to own those feelings. However, it's not necessary to wallow in them. Besides, look at it as his loss.

As for why he doesn't want to be your friend, he might not want to have to face you in light of your failed romance. It's also possible he's moved on and doesn't want to hurt you. Either way, you're better off without him.

I do understand why you are sad because this person represents something to you that you want and for some unknown reason cannot have. There may be a number of reasons why this situation has taken the turn that it has. You used to date. Maybe he feels uncomfortable about that and hasn’t been able to overcome it as well as you are trying to do so.
Or are you? As a woman myself I sense you still care and maybe he does too and can’t handle it. Whatever be the case, know that you are worth caring about and if he is too hung up to accept your non-intimate friendship, it isn’t your problem even though it does make you sad.
Put your energy into finding some one who can be both a friend and a lover to you. The results in the long run, will make you much happier.
It’s his loss. Believe me.

I hear you. I mean really, I do hear you. By what you said and what you chose not to say, it is clear that you became emotionally involved with this dude.

I always do some sort of post relationship autopsy, so that I can learn about myself and why I do certain things. It isn't always easy or pretty. But if you don't enjoy feeling rejected, then this might be a priority for your own personal growth. It's just that growth hurts and sometimes sucks. The alternative is worse.

I remember the phrase, "He's just not that into you." It seems to fit in this case. I am wondering what you saw in this guy. How did he make you feel when you were together? Who else is in your life that supports you, challenges you and keeps you company when you're feeling like crap? If the answer is either 'nobody' or 'very few', then this might explain your reaction to the pseudo boyfriend's attitude/actions toward you.

I think that it is easier said than done to be one's own best friend, but it seems to be really important for all of us to be grounded in that reality.

Take stock of yourself. Perform that post relationship autopsy and really dig. Be patient and kind to yourself; act as your own counselor and best friend.

Look at it this way; this dude did you a favor. He illuminated something that the universe wanted to bring to your attention. Now you can begin the process of learning what that is all about.

Take good care.

Most of us lucky ones have been so unlucky. There is obviously a strong sense of sentiment coming from you and you would like things to remain nice and cozy. But honey, men and women are simply not wired the same! Men *cough-boys* have an internal program that allows them to turn it off when it comes to hanging out with women they've hooked up with and have no solid relationship with. This isn't to say that they don't "care", but the problem may lie in your very own admission: sending email messages of "Hey! What's Up? How are ya doin'?" is a big no-no when it comes to those quasi-relationships in which romance is a thing of the past. Men tend to get the idea that the women involved are sending stealth messages, and while the saying goes that men love the chase, it should be clarified that they love to "chase" and not "be chased". You probably don't like him like that, but if you had the opportunity to link up with him again, would you?

Of course I have and the minute he walked out of my life, I made ten new friends. Here's the deal, I know the whole lets remain friends thing is considered mature and what not, but in reality, it's a trap. You are trying to hold on to something that has long been over.
The best thing to do is get over it, go shopping with your girls or go out on a date with that hot guy who's been trying to get at you but you keep ignoring. When you do finally see him, say nothing unless he speaks first and even then make it seem like your schedule is waaaay to busy for you to stand there and chat with him.

We all want to be liked by everyone even though we know that we don't like everyone else. It's just part of our own insecurities. Sometimes I meet people that I don't like but I'm usually surprised when they don't like me. You can't ever get over things like this on purpose but they are so inconsequential that they fade away pretty easily, unless of course you are in love with him and can't admit it to yourself.

Been there, done that! I was in a very similar situation, and surprise! It didn't work out for us either. The twist was that a longtime friend of mine started seeing him, and became insanely jealous that he and I talked sporadically (but that's another story). In the end, I lost two friends. And I truly believe I was better off. And so are you!

The old saying "everything happens for a reason" is certainly cliche, but it holds true when life throws you a curveball. My advice is keep your chin up. He isn't worth losing sleep over.

The best advice I ever got from my mother was, "Anyone who doesn't like you is nuts!" Of course that's a bit extreme, but you know mothers. There is a kernel of truth there, though: You've got to question this guy's stability, running hot and cold like that. A solid friendship demands constancy, and he ain't got it! Keep ypur self-respect and feel sorry for the guy; after all, it's his loss.

It's tough changing the dynamic of a relationship. Once you enter romantic territory and then abandon it, it might take some time for the friendship to heal. But there's obviously a reason why you two got along in the first place. I wouldn't put him on your black list just yet. He's definitely being immature, but he's probably just feeling uncomfortable and isn't sure how to handle the situation.
What I would do is let him make the next move. You seem to have made every effort to be friendly, and now it's his turn. If/when he ever tries to contact you, show him that you are the bigger person. Flash him a warm smile and make him wonder why it was he was behaving like a doofus.
And to answer your question, yes I've been in your shoes, as have most girls I think. That line between friendship and romance can get fuzzy. But to offer you a glimmer of hope, after the dust settled, me and my friend were able to clean up the mess and be friends again.

Hi Sweetheart,


The first question you need to be asking yourself is, "Does this guy really make my heart sing?." To be put bluntly, does he make you feel heat? Does he set you aflame? Does he meet you at the level of passion you want to play at?

If you can answer yes to any of these questions, you're on the right track and it may just be that this guy is scared because of who you are, what you stand for, and what you represent...not just to him honey, the whole world.

If you're answer was no, starting writing your Top 10 list of things you're grateful for, with the #1 spot being that your "friend" has done you the greatest service and favor by getting outof your life so the next runner up at being your Prince Charming can come knocking at your door.

When people like your "friend" come into your life, they're there to teach you something. Whether it turns out to be about love, holding true to your standards or just plain common sense, each of these individuals must be view as the blessing they are. Once we are able to see these people in our lives as such, they either start be more prominent in our lives or they'll quickly fall away.Regardless, of the outcome, you'll be on your way to being a greater you because of this situation.

So honey, put on your favorite skirt, bust out the pom-poms and say it with me now, "Cheers to all our "friends!"

Many blessings on the next part of your journey
~Healingshawoman

Unfortunately being friends with the opposite sex can sometimes get complicated. We have different parts and there are times when we just can't help but want to put the pieces together! It has happened to all or most of us Vixens. It's easy to get caught up in the moment when we make a connection with a guy. We get close to someone and then we end up getting closer than we expected.

It happened to me (years ago) when I lived in residence at college. I was friends with a guy on my floor and we ended up taking our relationship up a notch. Shortly after dating, he withdrew marking the end of our 'romance' and worse, our friendship. Trust me it was difficult living on the same floor as him for the rest of the year. Especially when he started seriously dating my next door neighbor. What I learned is sometimes guys don't know how to handle going back to being friends with a girl after they were romantically connected. I have two brothers and have seen this happen to them. They try to be friends with a girl they dated, but then feel it's too difficult to have that girl around when they want to start dating someone else. It has nothing to do with you. This guy probably just feels, in order to move along with his dating life (and who knows, a jealous new girl?) he must cut ties with his romantic past.

It's difficult but move on and make new friends. Learn from past mistakes and go into new relationships with your new found knowledge.

Hi Mary,

Losing a friend for no apparent reason can be devastating, whether it's a male friend or a female friend. While none of us really no the reason for this guy's sudden wish to sever your friendship, there are two potential reasons:

1. As someone else mentioned, if you were the one who ended the relationship, any contact with you might make him long to return to the lovely moments you had together. Despite what people say, men are babies when it comes to this sort of thing. he might have thought that he could handle a friendship, but discovered that being in your lovely presence was more than he could bear.

2. Cherchez la femme! In other words, look for the woman, also known as the psycho girlfriend. If there's someone new in the picture, she might be one of those neurotic types who won't let her guy have contact with any of his female friends. Fortunately, these relationships rarely last.

As far as whether or not this has ever happened to me...Yes. The guy was my best friend and ski instructor. Not only did his girlfriend forbid the friendship, she made him stop teaching me.

Now here's what you can do. I would suggest that you write him one last email, clearly explaining that while you respect his need to end the friendship, you are open to any discussion about why he chose to do so. Tell him that you've valued your time together, and if he needs a time out, that's fine, but you are open to revitalizing the relationship when he's ready.

I wish that I can say that I haven't experienced this situation and that I married my first love. But, that is not the case with me... I like most people I know have had my heart broken a few times. Based on my experience, it seems as if homeboy has decided to move on. It may sound crude, but men usually are not really good friends with women unless they are related or they are pining for some sex. Well, that's kinda general but there are some exceptions. This guy however sounds pretty typical. Who decided to be friends? Did you make the decision and the guy went along with it? I'll tell you what an ex told me: men who want women do NOT want to be in a FRIEND. Think of it this way... say you apply for a job that you really like and you went on a few interviews and was sure that you would get the position. However, for reasons unbeknownst to you, you get a message that says that not only are you not qualified but your application will be put in the hiring pool. Suddenly, you are not special anymore and you are put in with all the others who didn't make the cut. For a man, that is what being a "friend" is. Feel me?

Yes I have...and yes it did. However, if I had to guess what you really want to know is if it's okay for you to be sad. Again, I'd go with yes. Of course.

Maybe he's rejecting you. Maybe he had a bad day. Maybe he's getting romantic with someone else and has less time for you. Who knows what his deal is. Your deal is that you're feeling rejected. Rejection sucks. Put on a comfortable pair of PJs, watch a movie where the girl gets the oh-so-lovely guy in the end, and eat some ice cream while you're at it. Eating ice cream is really one of the wonderful benefits of being sad. Chocolate ice cream.

When you've finished that bowl, however, remember this...YOU are worth someones time. You are worth getting to know. You are worth spending time with. You are worth loving. You're the kind of person who took a chance at love. Who worked at a friendship. Who wants to continue to be nice even when you're sad. You've got a lot to offer in friendship and romance. So, yeah, go ahead and be sad, but don't be defeated.

Mary,

There are many things in life that make me sad. Global warming, stray kittens, someone grabbing the last slice of pizza, those "save the children" commercials. But even with all of these potential emotional landmines afoot, I somehow manage to detach from those thoughts long enough to move on and enjoy the day.

Relationships, though, are always a bit trickier. Whether it be the boyfriend or the best friend who at one time in your life you couldn't picture living without, we sometimes grow out of these people the same way we grow out of our clothes.

But you will make new friends Mary, find new loves and this experience will eventually be filled in the "lessons learned" category. As my grandma always used to say: "Don't waste time on anyone who won't waste time on you!"

Good luck!!

Christen

Dear Mary,

It appears that your former beau is suffering from an acute case of what is commonly known as "fair- weather friend". So, my advice to you would be to give your emotional immune system a healthy boost by keeping a good distance away from him. Your "friend" has no intention of behaving as such and in fact, he embodies all of the signs of the "anti-friend". You're probably a great gal with plenty of friends to boot. So, how about one less rotten friend so that you can direct your kindness and good energy towards the friends that do the same for you?

Be wonderful and be real,
Danielle

Wow, does this give me the high school heebee-jeebees.

In homeroom, I sat in front of this fellow I'll call Golden Boy, for the sake of anonymity. He was a square-jawed jock type, and I was more like Sarah Jessica Parker in "Square Pegs" (am I dating myself, or what?). We said hello to each other in the hallways and had lockers next to each other. That was the extent of our friendship. I didn't think much of him, until some wiseascre decided to spread the rumor that I had the hots on him. GB maturely responded to the news by writing me a terse note that said "Don't EVER talk to me, you ugly witch!" and proceeded to shun me for the next 3 1/2 years. The shame! The horror! I didn't even LIKE golden boy jock types. After the stinging rejection, I subsequently threw my lot with the campus weirdos who wore all back and smoked clove cigarettes. I developed a knack for playing the saxophone and became known for my outrageous clothes and artistic talents. Other students would ask me to paint their denim jackets with their favorite rock band on it. I became strangely popular in my own way, and forgot about GB's cruel gesture. Fast forward to senior year and Golden Boy passes me another note saying "I'm sorry." What made him have the change of heart? Who knows. Who cares.

The moral of this story? Boys are simple-minded creatures. They can't deal with ambiguities, grey areas, or complicated relationships. The difference between high school and adulthood are a few grey hairs and a 401K package. Cut the boy out of your life, be your own glittering, fabulous self, and watch him drool with envy.

Dear Mary Quite Contrary-
Look, I think you should about this bloke in a differerent light. If he is not calling, not asking you to dinner, not fawning all over you, and to top it off, he is not wanting to be "friends" with you. It HURTS!! AHHHhhhhh! Painful. And it sounds to me, if he did contact you, it would be more out of his own convenience, or to be friends with "benefits." Every woman has had their share of this experience. The thought is here, how do you get your brain molecules to stop synpasing and focusing on him and the rejection? How do you move on from here?

Go put on a pair of high heels, do your hair, wear a very sexy outfit, put on some make-up and grab a girlfriend and go out. Go to a party, an event, whatever social event where there are MEN. Watch them fawn over you, smile, and sure enough,
I will say with confidence, there is another one around the corner, one who will lavish you with food, wine, shoes and love. And Mr. Rejection will be forever rejected.

Of COURSE I have. We all have, hunny. The thing that you have to remember is that sex always changes relationships; sometimes for the better, sometimes not. The fact that things did not work out between you two doesn't erase the friendship you had, but it does make things more difficult. It's still a breakup. Sometimes holding on to a friendship requires taking a giant step back... and it sounds like that's what he's doing. If you want to be clear with him about your intentions, you need to reach out. And texting doesn't count! Serious conversations cannot be had via text! Let him know you still want to be friends but that you'll give him the time that he needs. Over time, once you're both over the romantic hiccup, your past friendship will resurface.

Mary:

The way I see it, you have two options here. The first poises you for potential humiliation, but also gives you an opportunity for that oft-longed-for, rarely achieved animal known as "closure;" the latter is about dealing with this at the level of the only person you will ever have any power over: your own sweet self.

The first option would involve not skirting around the elephant in the room (i.e., doing something besides sending lame e-mails that say things like "Hey! What's up! How ya doin'?"). E-mails are wonderful things, but they are not actual connections with other living, breathing, vibrating-with-pranic-energy human beings. You had a connection with this man. You were close. You had your tongues in each other's mouths, and maybe you had other body parts inside each other's body parts. If it was as much fun as you'd both hoped, you would probably be revisiting one another's various negative spaces on the regular at this point, but that's not how it turned out. So now, you could take a risk and honor the connection you have had. Call him on the phone and tell him that you would like to talk about your friendship and why it might have gone south. Reassure him that you expect nothing and that you are not angry with him, voodoo-doll humor aside. Have coffee with him. Let it be awkward. Let yourself express to him, WITHOUT BLAMING OR SHAMING HIM, the pain you are feeling about his rejection. Don't make it about him; use "I-statements." Let things unfold. Ask him why he is choosing not to spend time with you anymore, and when he answers you honestly, don't flip out. Accept what he says, and maybe even empathize. "Wow - that must have been really hard for you to have me offer you my deliciousness for a few brief, shining moments, and then cruelly and abruptly snatch it away." You get the idea. There may be more to your romantic episode "not working out" than you know, but if you don't risk asking him straight out what happened, you'll never know. Once you've done this, you can walk away feeling complete with this situation. And be prepared, if you go this route, for two possibilities: 1. that he will not answer your calls or will otherwise reject your invitation to meet; or, 2. that he will act like a total bastard despite your best efforts to find closure. In either case, go on to my second Advice Option, below.

Woman, this has nothing to do with this guy. I mean, what's all this getting angry with someone just because he is choosing not to be your friend? Think about that for a moment. We all have limited time in our lives and space in our hearts, and we all get to choose how to fill them both. If he doesn't choose you, what do you want with him anyhow? Commit to spending your time with people who choose you back; know that his choice has little to do with your merits as a person or as a friend and much to do with what is going on with his mind, heart, and life. Know that your hurt isn't about him, either -- it's about everyone on Earth NOT wanting to be your friend! You've heard that sappy "if you love someone, set them free" saying...and you know what? From experience, I can tell you that it's difficult, but it's true. Letting him go from your life does not mean you can no longer care about him. Indeed, you can love him and send love out to him in whatever painful little space he's gotten himself into as he has rejected you. And yes, it's sad. So cry. Be sad! You don't have to run to your friendly family physician for a prescription for mood-enhancing drugs just because you're sad -- it's an emotion you're supposed to have from time to time.

Don't forget to breathe,

MLB

Anyhow, I digress.

Dear Mary,

Welcome to the main pitfall of any form of human-to-human contact - risk. Whether it's a romance, a platonic thing or even the controversial familial relationship, risk is a prime factor of the equation. It's basically another form of the risk-reward paradigm: The rewards can be plentiful from a deep friendship, passionate love affair or even a one-nighter, but the potential risks can be a bitch-and-a-half. And, sadly, we have all been there in one form or another. This is why dogs are so popular, and way more popular than cats for obvious reasons.

You're hurting right now, and that's a good sign. Means you're still alive and that you give a damn. When you stop giving a damn about this kind of business is when it's time to start worrying. But the best thing you can do is to get up, dust yourself off and walk forward, not back. You sound like an ever-lovely person, one around whom people gravitate for reasons both friendly and romantic. This trait will serve you well in the future, my dear. Of course, with that also comes more risk. But just think of the possible rewards.

Enjoy your life.

Dearest Mary,

The fact that you're worried about losing the meager consolation prize of this guy's "friendship" when you once had grand designs on the whole kit and kaboodle strikes me as a good sign. Huh? you say. Well, just hear me out.
It means that are now actively BARGAINING, which is the third stage of grief. The grieving process consists of DENIAL, ANGER, BARGAINING, DEPRESSION and ACCEPTANCE. In bargaining, we try to "make a deal" with the fates in order to be spared a painful loss. This is very, very human, and I myself have done it countless times. It seems to me that you have now revised (aka lowered) your romantic aspirations in exchange for ANY old relationship with this guy. This is your attempt at a "bargain," and, sweetie, he's not taking the deal. You could continue bargaining, and offer him a relationship wherein he simply doesn't want you to be hit by a truck, but do you really need that? No. You need to move on.
The bad news? The next stage of grieving is DEPRESSION, which may hit even as you read this post. It sucks. But what better place to be when depression hits than here, surrounded by caring friends who have been there? OK, maybe Maui would be better, but the airfare is RIDICULOUS this time of year.
The good news is, after DEPRESSION comes ACCEPTANCE, so you you are most of the way there! Soon, you will be soo over this guy -- as a boyfriend, as a friend, and as mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging lower life form.

The thing is Mary is that friendships tend to run their course. Friends come and go. Maybe one or two remain lifelong buds but those are usually same sex friends anyway. Besides no guy wants the girl who is loaded with "guy friends" anyway. Stick to chicks for friends guys for the relationships. And if any of your girlfriends try to hook up with you you'll know what to do.

The thing is Mary is that friendships tend to run their course. Friends come and go. Maybe one or two remain lifelong buds but those are usually same sex friends anyway. Besides no guy wants the girl who is loaded with "guy friends" anyway. Stick to chicks for friends guys for the relationships. And if any of your girlfriends try to hook up with you you'll know what to do.

MEN who the hell do they think we are!!! I would say ta ta to him. If you do happen to meet up later then pay him off, smile but dont act interested. be civil but act like you have better things to do, which by the way YOU DO!! I would not watse anymore time on him, KICK HIM TO THE CURB SISTER, remember there is another right around the corner. Leave it as a lesson learned, move on, dont get to upset over it you can bet he aint thinking twice about the crappy email he sent.

Mary, the man is obviously a douche-nozzle. Of course it is painful to have someone we care about turn on us. If this is someone you still (for some unforeseen reason) want to have in your life, you can try approaching him directly. For example, you could say something to the effect of, "Hey, douche-nozzle, I sense that this friendship has become a bit one-sided. Is there a good reason for this?" If there is a good reason, then I would certainly expect an apology, and he better make it up to you. If the excuse is lame, or worse, non-existent, then walk. Seriously. You are a fabulous individual who doesn't need to be wasting her energy on a numnut! Give yourself 24 hours to mourn the loss - eat ice cream, have a cocktail, buy yourself something pretty (that won't break the bank, of course), and move on!

I had a friend in college who completely flaked out on me after knowing each other for two years. He blamed me for things I had nothing to do with, didn't seem to understand the difference between my trying to help and him being hurt, and even tried to do the old kicking me to the curb only to crawl back a few months later routine.

So I became the better man in the situation and walked away. If someone doesn't want you around, why should you want them around? Mary, you seem like a nice girl. What is the best thing about being a nice girl? It's easy to find nice guys and girls who want to be your friend! So go out there and find someone worthy of being a confidant and a compadré as opposed to someone who hates on you for no reason. From the sounds of things, this guy might blame you for the relationship not working or he might want to still be more than just friends. If he is unable to accept the way of the world and that being in a relationship didn't work, he obviously has issues he needs to deal with alone. You on the other hand have friends to go make!

So good luck, and I hope you find what you're looking for on the friend market!

There is one thing missing that would help to shed some light on the situation. Why did it not work out on a dating level? Was it you who was not interested or him? I see one of two things happening here:

1) He was interested in being "friends with benefits" and when/if the benefits did not come, he didn't want to bother anymore.

2) He was jealous. Maybe you flirted or spoke with other men (even if just with mutual male friends), and it rubbed him the wrong way.

Either way, forget about him. He sounds like a little boy who didn't get his way. Sometimes the things we can't have are attractive and mostly because it is a challenge. Use your energy somewhere else.

It sounds to me like two possible scenarios could be happening with your friend. A. The break-up was not as “mutual” as you thought. It sounds to me like maybe he’s a bit bitter over things not working out, so he doesn’t have a real interested in seeing you and being reminded of that fact. Whether it’s from an ego blow, or even just wanting to avoid that reminder of rejection, a lot of guys tend to react by pulling away and avoiding you.

The second scenario I am thinking this may be is that B. He just wants sex. Maybe he is not interested in being a girl’s friend unless he can get something out of it in the bedroom. It may sound harsh, but a lot of guys out there are truly thinking with their second head and don’t really care about cultivating platonic relationships with women they find attractive.

You have to remind yourself that there will be other guys and other friends, so does one loss really hurt you that much, or are you agonizing over your need to be “liked” by everyone? Either way, know that it’s his loss and you are still a fierce and great friend to many others ;).

Hey Mary!

It always sucks rotten eggs for our company to be 'rejected' as it were, romantic or otherwise. Let's just say I'd rather eat nasty worm guts then for a guy to tell me "he just wants to be friends" and then not even actually "BE" friends. Yeah it stings, but so does some self tanner after you shave your legs. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and more sun kissed ;o)

Know this has nothing to do with you, how lovely, fabulous, talented, special or downright rad you are! This is his baggage and last I checked, you're not a bell boy. There's no need for you to carry this pain in your heart because he's made the choice to be petty and miss put on a helluva lotta fun times with you.

I say , much like the Jefferson's "Move it on up!" Next you see him, you won't be carrying his man purse and you'll be the 'easy breezy beautiful cover girl' you are!

Then let's see who calls who to hang!

It is difficult to analyze and determine why men behave the way they do! I would simply put him on the backburner. If chance has it that you run into one another, you can be friendly as you said. For all we know, he is just being moody. But I definitely would not pursue a friendship with someone who has treated you with disrespect. Life is too short to hold onto bad relationships!

Okay, my little innocent, sit your butt down and get ready to hear the cold, harsh, truth. The one and only reason this guy became your "friend" in the first place was because he wanted to get in your panties. Once he got you and it didn't work out, he was done. Finished. Caput. He never wanted you for just a friend. He was courting you to be his girlfriend, his lover, his go-to gal. It didn't work out, and he's moved on to continue his quest for a romantic match. I suggest you do the same.

~K

Dear Mary,

I say count your losses and move on. Yes, you care about him as a friend, but it's obvious that he doesn't feel the same way. In my book, that makes him not worth your time, really now, why waste your time on an unrequited friendship? Be the bigger person and walk away, perhaps he will see what he has lost and return, but who cares. You are a strong woman, find a man who deserves your friendship and love.

It is difficult to analyze and determine why men behave the way they do! I would simply put him on the backburner. If chance has it that you run into one another, you can be friendly as you said. For all we know, he is just being moody. But I definitely would not pursue a friendship with someone who has treated you with disrespect. Life is too short to hold onto bad relationships!

Hi Mary,

I don't know about you, but when I meet a guy it's either "we could hang out," or "I'd like to have his naked body pressed against me." So, the fact that you two were friends first seems to indicate that you didn't really have that spark. And then, of course, you slept together and probably didn't know how to go back to being friends so you said to yourselves, "I guess we're dating now." So the friendship/dating situation has now deteriorated into nothingness and you feel bad. Of course you feel bad. But you know, there's one thing I've figured out after trying to figure out what people are thinking or why they do what they do--and it's this--you will never (that's Never) know why another person does what they do (even if you ask them, which I have done trying to get to the truth). So, my advice, Mary, is just do a little mourning for your lost friendship and go make a few more friends. They're certainly out there.

Yes Mary, I have, and yes Mary, it did. A delicate balance exists when one of your better friends happens to be a member of the opposite sex, especially when that “well, we’ve never done that before” moment comes out of nowhere.

She and I met our first year of college at one of those random nighttime apartment gatherings. One of those events where you look back and wonder how in the world you found yourself there in the first place but how undeniably grateful you are to have met the people who, years later, are still a part of your life. We talked about everything, from where we grew up to American history and space travel. After most people had gone home, a quick glance at our cell phones prompted us to give each other the same look of, “it is 7 in the morning.” We laughed uncontrollably, with just the slightest bit of awkwardness at the newfound connection we just formed.

Had we not both been involved with other people, I am fairly certain we would have started dating, although neither of us felt that way at the time. We were just happy to be friends who could confide in each other and speak freely without judgment.

Three years later, another friend of ours threw a party for the sake of throwing a party, using the start of fall as an excuse to drink uninhibited. Now, take any bowl- throw in alcohol, two newly single great friends of the opposite sex, a conversation about the incessant frustrations of on-and-off relationships, and an empty upstairs bedroom- and, well, you get the morning after.

We lay soaking in the morning calm before the inevitable storm of silent whispers amongst our friends. “Why did we not just get together from the start? Life would be so much easier.”

Good bye delicate balance.

Yes, we could still talk about anything and everything with each other as casually as before, but with the added bonus of sex and the soon-to-be throttling label of “exclusive.” As lovers, what used to be constructive critiques from an understanding friend quickly became annoying like knives stabbing at an ever-swelling but unspoken statement, “if love doesn’t work with a friend, how the hell does it work with anyone else!”

Three years of friendship and 2 months of sex later, we became what you and your former friend became, a series of forced “Hello’s” and awkward attempts at normalcy. Yes, I miss her. Yes, I want to go back to the way we were as friends, before we bought tickets for this ridiculous ride. But I can’t have it both ways, and we must now both face the outcome of our decision to take our relationship beyond just friendship.

Mary, you cannot control what he feels, nor can you control his timetable. Feeling something for someone when you don’t want to anymore is a difficult emotion to get past, but realize that you were friends in the first place for good reasons, so don’t get bogged down in trying to get over it quickly. Doing so will only leave small reminders of what you had, which will surface at random times, hindering you from advancing your own life.

Let the situation be for a while, and don’t dwell on it, because when you stop trying so hard for something, that’s the exact point when things start to get a little easier.

Well, Mary, you have every right to be sad. The loss of a friend always sucks because you also loose whatever part of yourself you put into it. Friendships tend to have a no-return policy. Now. there is the obvious chance that he was simply out to, as they say, "get the milk without buying the cow," but it sounds like it was a mutual breakup and so maybe that's not the case here. My best assumption, due only to personal experience, is that he's probably met another girl and is okay letting go of the things he's liked about you because he found qualities he liked in somebody else. Let's be honest. When we attempt to remain friends with an ex, it's usually because we admire something about them that we're not ready to let go of entirely. We wouldn't stay friends with somebody who treats you terribly. I think most men would drop their jaws to find out I have a tough time being friends with a guy I haven't already dated, or wouldn't at least consider dating in the future if I ever got too lonely, or they ever became interested.

What I'm saying is that there's a reason you both wanted to remain in touch, and no matter what for, he no longer has that reason.

You deserve to be surrounded by true friends. So throw on some Burberry, go out with the girls, and find yourself a new future ex-lover to pal around with. Good luck

-C

He has a girlfriend. Take it from someone who has done this same thing on numerous occasions. (See how appropriate my 'I'm a real jerk' shirt is now.) He thinks you are still interested in him romantically (I mean WOMEN ALWAYS ARE...it's such a burden) so he is trying to distance himself. He doesn't want the girl now to know he has contact with the girls in his past.

Here is the kicker. He doesn't want to tell you he is unavailable should he soon become available. He is keeping all the old options open until he is sure this relationship is for real or at least for a while. The only way you are going to find out is if you ask.

I think it's best you just come to grips with the fact you can't be friends. Although you will hear from him again. And it means he is single. Ignore him when it happens. Or at least see how good the ball game tickets are this time around.

Mary,
While most of the so-called divas on this site will tell you to suck it up, move on, and forget about the boy...you and I know that this is emotionally (and quite possibly physically) impossible.

So, rather than constantly writing long email letters asking for an explanation and erasing them (I know you have done this!), take a deep breath and do the following:

1.Call "boy" and ask him to meet you at a specific time in a specific place.
2. Make sure you speak to him directly, DO NOT leave a message on his voice mail!
3.Get to the spot early, have a glass of wine; cup of hot chocolate; or some other form of liquid courage.
4. As soon as he sits down, make eye contact, and get right to the point.

Soon enough, you'll find out exactly what his problem is...whether or not you'll like the answer is another story altogether.

Chances are that this method may drive him away completely, but at least you'll get to the bottom of. AND THEN...you can move on.

-Fraisefatale

Rejection is never easy no matter who’s dishing it out, but even more so when the guy was both a friend and a lover. The tendency may be to internalize these feelings. What was wrong with me? What did I do? Or maybe even to analyze his motives to death. However, these courses of action are not healthy or effective. Friendships are easily ruined when romance comes into play. Two people who casually enjoyed each other’s company now have to live with morning breath, obnoxious habits, and potential emotional suffocation. Once these elements have been introduced into a relationship it can be difficult, if not impossible, to disconnect from them. It may be Mary, that he realized your idiosyncrasies did not work for him, perhaps he found another love interest, or just didn’t want to commit. Regardless of his reasons, your recovery begins and ends with you. For whatever reason, a romance does not work with this individual. Because intimacy was introduced, returning to a friendship is too hard for him at this point. Step away from your idea of closure here and just move on. Occupy yourself with other friendships and love interests. You will quickly realize that his decision to distance himself had everything to do with him and nothing to do with you. In the meantime, being around people who love and appreciate you “as is” will rebuild any self esteem damaged by his rejection.
*JE

Dear sweet Mary,

You never know what is going on in men's minds -one minute they can't get enough of you and the next... well, you know. For whatever reason, he may not be able to handle a platonic friendship with someone he's been intimate with. That's his loss!

As far as your question goes, I learned early on that many men are like the guy you write about. It is so much easier --and way less awkward-- to be friends with people I haven't been intimate with. But then again, everyone is different.

After your relationship morphed into one of friendship rather than romance, he may have gotten the impression that you still wanted something more. Rather than discuss it with you, he just made a panicky withdrawal. His actions were hurtful, but say more about his level of maturity than they do about you. Put your extra time into exploring some new hobbies. One of the best ways to meet new people is through shared interests, so give that a try. The sooner you move on, the sooner you'll get over the betrayal. Being happy is sweet revenge. You'll be in a better relationship soon and realize that you made a lucky escape.

I am a firm believer in eliminating toxic people from our lives. I know it hurts to lose a friend, especially when the catalyst for the loss is unclear, and especially when more than friendship was involved. Only you know the true extent of the relationship before and after the evening of "more." Your best bet is either to call him out, or to move on and let him come to you, if and when he is inclined. It really depends on what you really want from this, and what you know of him. Is this behavior typical of him with other girls? I know a few people who are serial friend droppers. Is he one of those? or is he the loyal-til-the end type? Or did something happen between you two that really catapulted this. I guess the point is, you have a right to reflect, to ask question, to mourn and to move on. I think once you figure out what's really at stake, if anything meaningful, you can better figure out whether you want to take an active or passive course of action. Just remember, people who do not have the common respect to reciprocate courteous behavior where due, should be left alone for karma's next round of victims! :D
Best wishes!

Hi Mary - You've gotten a lot of good advice and different perspectives on your situation. I've always likened the end of a relationship to a death. It takes time to grieve the loss of a friend and lover, whether good or bad. It's definitely normal to feel sadness, anger, confusion, disbelief.

You could choose to talk to him about how you perceive the situation. Sometimes we make the situation seem worse in our minds because of how we are feeling about it and dealing with it. You may or may not get the answer you were hoping for. Especially to the question of "What is wrong with me?"

Sometimes people change or their needs change and it is through no fault of your own that they walk out of your life. Just remember - You are a smart, beautiful, intelligent, sexy woman who deserves to feel that way about herself!

Mary,
I had a friend who once had a guy tell her: "I just don't have any room on my social calendar right now," meaning he didn't want a girlfriend and he definitely didn't even want a friend--he wanted to have nothing to do with her. As Cher would say, "That was way harsh, Tai."

In a certain respect, though, at least he was up front with her. Told it to her straight, from the beginning. Most guys, like your guy, won't give you that luxury.

Someone who doesn't even want to be your FRIEND probably isn't a person you want to waste your time on. I know there are good ones out there: guys who listen, who care about you and your well-being, and who are attracted to YOU and WHO YOU ARE! That's what it's all about.

Keep looking and, to this guy: better watch out...karma's a bitch!

-Alina

Hey Mary,

First of all, to answer your questions: Yes I have and yes it did (it also made me pissed off, second-guess my feminine charms, and contemplate crazy revenge tactics…all while pretending not to give a crap).

At any rate, now that I am older and wiser, I have realized the following hard-to-handle truth: Men and women can simply not BE friends! And the reason is that someone always wants more. I mean think about it, male/female friendships—between two heterosexual parties anyway—can really only last until one or the other finds a romantic relationship…because I don’t know one man or woman in the world who would be completely comfortable with their partner having a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex. Pull in the possibility that they’ve swapped bodily fluids with that “friend,” and it’s a definite no-go. If either of you is to have a healthy romantic relationship with someone else, for the respect of your partners, this friendship will have to get the heave-ho (and no pun intended with the “ho”).

So while we may not know the WHYS of his decision to dash abruptly, let’s assume that we know it’s because he has realized this universal truth. He’s decided to do what had to eventually be done so that both of you may find something real. I have personally known friends who have wasted years of their lives being in what I call “pseudo relationships” with someone of the opposite sex, and they always end the same way: The person who ISN’T secretly into the other finds someone they ARE interested in romantically, while their “friend” is left emotionally bruised and brokenhearted.

So, yes, be sad for a bit; write letters that you never send, and hear all the horrible things about him that your girlfriends were always too timid to tell you. Then move on. Find some female (or gay male) friends, and keep your heart open for a lasting love…or at least a fantastic fling. But for the love of God, don’t waste your time playing the “let’s be friends” game.

Good luck!
Nicole

Alright, listen here Mary - let's get down to the brass tacks of the matter; the guy's not interested. It sucks. It's life. These things happen. When it comes to spending time together or lack there of; politics doesn't matter. You'll never convince a guy to like you, you only buy more time. Likewise, you'll never fully convince yourself you truly like him if you doubt his feelings for you. Sorta pseudo give and take. If there's doubt - the doubt is usually well founded. Read it as it is. DOUBT. When a guy's into you there's nothing that will come in the way of him finding time to be with you. You've been there before as well I'm sure - when you like a guy you're never too busy; no one is when they really like the other person. Look at this from the outside looking in. If it was meant to be - it would. Plain and simple. People often force misread perceived situations into reality and become let down by it's failure to mature. Keep it simple. Read the signs. Don't doubt your gut. You sound like a solid woman so don't let this one guy throw a wrench in your game. We all lose people we like or care for in our lives. Give it a day or two and move on...

One of the worst feelings in life is to feel discarded by someone whom you not only cared about, but also thought your relationship was unstoppable. I’m not talking about the romantic relationship; I mean your friendship. Before you drop him like a bad habit ask yourself a few questions:

- Who wanted to move out of the friendship zone and become more intimate? Why do you think the relationship failed?

- Who made the first move to end the relationship? How did that make you feel? How did he react to the news?

- Are you the one always trying to plan times to hang out and meet up? Has he made any effort after the breakup to stay in contact with you?

There’s a good chance he’s hurting and not taking the break up well, even if he is the one who said, “let’s be friends.” If you showed him that you were able to move back into the friendship zone quickly and easily, you may have bruised his ego and hurt his feelings without realizing your actions did so. Like women, men need time to heal; it’s the natural human reaction when someone gets hurt.

However, do not brush off your own feelings! Losing him can make you sad and that’s okay! A guy that you were involved with mentally and physically just threw you off to the side and left you there without a clue, and that really hurts. From personal experience, I had a friend do that to me and we did not cross the line. You can only send the olive branch so many times before you say “Enough!” If I were you I would let him make the next move to communicate, remember the great times you had together, and when you do see him walking down the street … smile and give him a hug, because regardless of what has happened to you, you both were friends who cared about each other greatly. Hopefully in time you two can rebuild your friendship and feel comfortable around each other again, but BOTH of you have to want that to happen. Unfortunately, you cannot force someone to heal quickly or realize they are being a jerk; they have to come to that conclusion on their own.

In the meantime, take comfort in your own strengths and walk with your head held high. You are a fantastic human being who deserves a friend (and boyfriend) who will look at you without judgment and see all of the gifts you offer. In the words of Greg Behrendt “Don’t waste the pretty,” because you are so worth it! ;-)

Rejection is always hurtful. Allow yourself to experience the sadness -- the painful feelings. If you fight them now, they will only re-surface the next time you experience a loss. Give yourself time to mourn losing your friend. During this difficult time, be sure to eat properly, get at least 8 hours sleep and do activities that make you feel happy. And remember, don't be fooled that he is the last you will find.

Wise Owl

Relationships change and evolve like seasons. I went through this with my best friend and godfather to my child. We were cool for a while, then he got really mad at me and we didn't speak for almost 2 years! He called me out the blue and apologized. We were in business together and I wound up moving to another city partly because of his actions. We got over it and it has been smooth sailing ever since. If you constantly think that it was you that led to him acting that way, you will certainly go crazy. Men have tons of issues that almost never get worked out, mostly because they never feel the need to open up about them. If you see him again, buy him a drink and tell him thanks for the memories!

It is tragic that he does not want to be your friend anymore. Yet we men can be finicky. It is obvious that you truly cared for him, which is why it hurts to lose him—that is just you being the wonderful person that you are naturally. There could be a number of reasons why he ceased contact with you. Perhaps he was in love with you and thought he did not have a chance, men will sometimes form a brick wall in that situation because they feel hopeless to win you over and do not want to settle on being just a friend.

Or, perhaps he has found love in another, more controlling relationship, where he can not talk to other women now. Either way, one thing is clear: if he does not want to be your friend anymore, you can only leave the door open and try to see if one day he wants to work it all out.

My best advice: is to take a lesson from this and leave the doorway open to possible future friendship with him, and keep being you.

Michael-Jon

It is tragic that he does not want to be your friend anymore. Yet we men can be finicky. It is obvious that you truly cared for him, which is why it hurts to lose him—that is just you being the wonderful person that you are naturally. There could be a number of reasons why he ceased contact with you. Perhaps he was in love with you and thought he did not have a chance, men will sometimes form a brick wall in that situation because they feel hopeless to win you over and do not want to settle on being just a friend.

Or, perhaps he has found love in another, more controlling relationship, where he can not talk to other women now. Either way, one thing is clear: if he does not want to be your friend anymore, you can only leave the door open and try to see if one day he wants to work it all out.

My best advice: is to take a lesson from this and leave the doorway open to possible future friendship with him, and keep being you.

Michael-Jon

It is tragic that he does not want to be your friend anymore. Yet we men can be finicky. It is obvious that you truly cared for him, which is why it hurts to lose him—that is just you being the wonderful person that you are naturally. There could be a number of reasons why he ceased contact with you. Perhaps he was in love with you and thought he did not have a chance, men will sometimes form a brick wall in that situation because they feel hopeless to win you over and do not want to settle on being just a friend.

Or, perhaps he has found love in another, more controlling relationship, where he can not talk to other women now. Either way, one thing is clear: if he does not want to be your friend anymore, you can only leave the door open and try to see if one day he wants to work it all out.

My best advice: is to take a lesson from this and leave the doorway open to possible future friendship with him, and keep being you.

Michael-Jon

Mary:
Gal pals that become romance interests are a tricky and fickle business. Just as easily and unexpected you find sudden fancy for a friend, it can be lost and sometimes forever. It seems, once you kiss your pal, with a REAL kiss, you're just never able to go back. Some say it's once you see each other naked. Either way...

He and you didn't work out. Shrug it off and take solace in your adventuring spirit; certainly no one can call you prude or bourgeois. The only thing I can call this fella is yella.

Your situation may be primed for catching flack, some bad press, and rumor. Be extra cool and thoughtful when speaking on the subject and move on.

It is tragic that he does not want to be your friend anymore. Yet we men can be finicky. It is obvious that you truly cared for him, which is why it hurts to lose him—that is just you being the wonderful person that you are naturally. There could be a number of reasons why he ceased contact with you. Perhaps he was in love with you and thought he did not have a chance, men will sometimes form a brick wall in that situation because they feel hopeless to win you over and do not want to settle on being just a friend.

Or, perhaps he has found love in another, more controlling relationship, where he can not talk to other women now. Either way, one thing is clear: if he does not want to be your friend anymore, you can only leave the door open and try to see if one day he wants to work it all out.

My best advice: is to take a lesson from this and leave the doorway open to possible future friendship with him, and keep being you.

It's hard to try and make yourself not care when someone has hurt your feelings. I really think that the best thing you can do is take an active role, stop feeling like the victim by asserting yourself. You've got absolutely nothing to lose at this point We girls are always supposed to be so nice even in the face of maltreatment. Don't do anything crazy, but perhaps if you can just let him know, calmly, that he has been a real jerk for no good reason. I once left a message to that effect on a jerk's answering machine and never felt better. With the last word, you've got closure and can put him in his proper place which is somewhere far outside of your consciousness.

Life is too short to go around sad for people who don't realize how fantastic you really are. Why even give an iota of thought to this guy when there are plenty of others out there who would love to bask in the wonder that is you?!
Step up and step out. You've got too much going on to waste your joy on this clown.

I suspect you feel the way you do because you wonder what's wrong with you that he wouldn't want to be your friend anymore? What could you have done to make him not want to be friends? What could you have done differently?

The answer is........probably nothing. Nothing is wrong with you. You probably didn't do anything or couldn't have done anything differently.

Way back when......a long time ago.....mating was about finding the biggest and the strongest, the one that would ensure survival of the species, not necessarily take us out, buy us jewelry, and compliment how our butt looks in our jeans. So when we spend our time and energy investing in men that are not capable of, or interested in treating us the way we want to be treated, we cheat ourselves and we blame them for not being what we want them to be.

Maybe they just haven't evolved that much.

I won't sugar coat it for you. Sit down and watch "When Harry Met Sally" and listen for the part when Billy Crystal says (and I'm paraphrasing) "Men and women can never be friends because the sex thing always gets in the way." If you are friends with a man it's because you're having sex with him, you've already had sex with him, he's gay, related to you, or he's thinking about how he's going to have sex with you. Stick with women for friendship.

And if he doesn't want to be your friend anymore. Move on.

Be real. Be honest. And take care of yourself first.

Dear Mary,

No matter how many relationships you have or how many break-ups you go through, each person manages to revisit this age-old dilemma. Each man is different. I've had relationships with men who are still some of my closest friends, those who become mere acquaintances, and those who I never speak to again and I dread running into them.

To be honest, there are way more of the latter than the former. It's extremely hard to accept, but in general, men and women will always react differently to a break-up. As women, we invest so much into a relationship that the idea of just losing it all because the love didn't work out, is crushing, especially when no one did anything to harm the other. Men, however, want to move on completely from the relationship when it's over, and that often includes the friendship, as well. Remember, we've been conditioned to deal with emotions more earnestly and, often, give more of ourselves emotionally. Once a relationship is over, sometimes a man has a hard time going back to a point when emotions weren't involved at all.

It's obvious that he wants to get on with his life, and moving backwards to a normal friendship with you is not an option. What you need to focus on is not why he no longer wants to be your friend, but why you deserve someone who enjoys your friendship and wants you around.

The most difficult thing about any breakup is losing someone you care about, especially when that person often turns into one of your best friends. But you have to do what's right and healthy for you and that doesn't include worrying about someone who's not worrying about you.

Like they say, there's way to many fish in the see. Just remember what this guy is missing out on because he's not worth any more thought than that one.

Yes I have had someone I adored suddenly decide that we couldn't be friends anymore. It hurt and I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me for months. When it happens with a female friend and your blunt like me its usually easy to get to the root of the problem. When it happens with a man you used to date things could be complicated...

Maybe he is just really uncomfortable with the fact that you two have taken a step back. Some guys have a HARD time believing that a woman that they dated could be okay with just being friends again. Either they are offended that you can get over the loss of the relationship so quickly, or they are terrified that you might start to obsess over them.

Regardless I think your right on point with deciding not to talk to him. If you run into him be civil like you plan but you don't have to put yourself out there. Maybe he will man up and tell you what his problem is or maybe he won't. Don't put your life on hold or get yourself down because he has decided to go cold.

You know what? I'm not going to sit here and give you a time line on how you should feel. I do know you should let yourself feel sad and not beat yourself up for having an emotion.
Love can be both a messy and blissful affair. Somehow we keep going back for more 'cause somewhere in the back of our minds, we like to believe that it's all worth it. Usually it is, but with this gent you speak of...I think you can do better. I know we've never met face-to-face, but it sounds like you have a lot of love to give and that's something of value.

I would see this as a sign from the universe that there are bigger and better loves out there for you, and if this gent is truly meant to be a friend...he'll start communicating like one.

I hope this helps.

Delta Dawn

You’re leaving out why things didn’t work out. Since he isn’t avoiding you, I will take it to mean that you didn’t key his car or insult his favorite sports team.

Why are you going to be “nice”? Why not be civil but don’t stop to chat? Both of you need time to adjust to whatever your friendship is going to morph into now. He doesn’t want to deal with you on any level right now. Maybe this is his way of dealing with losing you as a lover and the friendship you had.

The fact is that ya do care. It IS that big of a deal. What, you’re somebody’s friend, then lover, it doesn’t work out and it’s “not THAT big of a deal”? Naah. You like being everybody’s friend so, this is smarting. It is sad.

So pay attention to the Everybodys that want to be your friend and stop calling me Hell ;)

I can understand you being upset with the situation. However, men and women have different ideas of friendship. Being as you were friends before the dating situation began, a woman would assume that there is a solid foundation to build a relationship on. A man sees it differently. Perhaps to him the sexual tension that existed in the friendship was the driving force of his interest. Once you crossed that line and became more, that tension was gone and with it went his desire for friendship. I think that you should take this as a lesson learned. He was obviously only after that one thing and now that he got it, he is no longer interested in knowing you.

By all means, discontinue your association with him. If you run into him somewhere, give him the same disinterested, curt treatment that he gives you. Perhaps a bit of his own medicine will smarten him up.

You're everybody's friend, and it bothers you that he's cut you off without explanation. Yeah, that's hurtful, but he's got his reasons. Maybe he still has feelings for you, so spending time with you is pouring lye on his wounds. You won't know until you ask.
If you really feel like this guy's a great friend you don't want to lose, contact him and ask, directly, "What's going on? I thought we were friends but you're avoiding me. It's cool if you want to cut it off, but I'd like an explanation." I mean, you can conjecture from here to eternity, but only one person on the planet can give you a straight answer.
If, on the other hand, you can get over never talking to him again, and it's really more about you being hurt that someone on this planet doesn't want to be your friend-- then just let it go...go...go...

Let me give you a bit of advice where men are concerned: if you sleep with them, they will generally feel the need to act nice up until the point they realize they're not getting any more action from you.

Basically, the friendship was ruined once you two played the old tops-and-bottoms game. You see, men get confused easily and throwing sex in with friendship, to a guy, is like playing football with a soccer ball (it just isn't right).

He obviously wasn't looking for a girlfriend and could no longer look at you like one of the guys. It's weird I know, but men can't multitask, so being your friend while knowing what you look like naked was making his brain fry.

Look on the bright side, there's plenty of people out there who don't have penises and would probably love to be your next new friend (they're call women).

Anon (if that is your real name)-

I've dated a friend and then not been able to maintain a relationship with them after all was said and done. It's sad to look back on all the good times, but it's even sadder to think about all the money that was wasted and the precious wonderful banter I'd stored up for him.

I guess you have to ask yourself a few questions now...
1. Why didn't it work romantically and what made the friendship not worth holding onto?
(perhaps you had something in your teeth for five months... that's a definite turn off.)

2. Why do you feel the loss more than your ex-lover/ex-friend?
(we women invest too much of ourselves in relationships of all kinds. we expect these things to be reciprocated, but the reality is that men are too easily distracted once they've gotten what they want. he ate his cake, got a tummy ache from how sweet you are, and then gave up cake altogether. maybe he's gay now? have you asked him that?)

and 3. Is he a grammar nut? (that email you sent was chalk full of fragments and misspellings... just a thought.)

Anyway, Anon, keep your head up and remember that you've invested too much on him already to continue thinking about it. Get up, don't look back, and walk down that lonely road of single-hood. If you're lucky you'll find an alcoholic that will need you more than the drink.

Good luck-
Alli

Hi Mary,

I did the math and it doesn't sound like you were friends for long. Sure if you'd been close for years before attempting romance, it would be worth preserving or fighting for, but it sounds more like this is someone you flirted with for a couple months before dating.

I suspect the closeness was based more on the interest and attraction growing between you. Was the break-up really mutual? If he initiated it, maybe you're sad to lose his affection, and if you were the one who really wanted out, maybe his pride is wounded.

Sadness is a part of dating. Sounds like he's one of a bunch that you'll think of fondly and miss a little. Go out with your real friends, you know-- the ones you haven't dated-- and find someone new.

Best,
B.

Yes. I had a friend that I loved. Things were great then one day out of the blue he didn't want to date anymore. I never got an explaination. 6 month past then we bumped into eachother again so we hung out. But it wasn't the same because I was so sad. Then after a while he stopped calling, he didn't want return my calls which made me more upset. One day a friend of mine told me don't worry bout it "this too shall pass" and it did... so don't worry you'll be alright.

In my personal utopia, all recently minted ex-boyfriends vanish into a deep and distant crevasse while we lick our wounds, remember – and whenever possible, amplify – their faults, and listen raptly while our bff’s endlessly reassure us that he wasn’t good enough for us anyway.

You’re suffering from the ambiguity of the situation, and so is Whatsisname. As much as I hate to ascribe caveman-like attributes to the hairier sex, one thing I’ve found to be almost universally true about men is that, when it comes to matters of the heart (and whatever else these matters happen to engage), ambiguity is their enemy. This part of the male profile is one lamentable facet of that charming simplicity that makes them so much fun to consort with.

This painful friend-breakup is, as they say, an unfortunate cost of doing business. Don’t be angry with yourself for caring, and let it go.

Losing friends is always hard no matter what the reason is. Depending in why things didn't work out romantically, there shouldnt be any reason that you two cant remain good friends.
He may be feeling embarrassed about things that happened while you were a couple, especially if you were intimate.
It cold also be that he is in a relationship where his partner feels threatened by you and has warned him to stay away. You should be flattered if she thinks your a threat but mad at him for not taking charge and explaining that he shouldnt have to give up his friends. It's a normal human emotion to be sad at any loss so just try your best to accept it for now and you never know things may iron themselves out someday. Hang in there!!

Total honesty time: no break-up's ever really totally mutual. One person says the magic words, the other one agrees to save face. But somebody's nursing a wound.

Something's making this guy uncomfortable. Either you dumped him - no matter how much he seemed to agree - and he's still ouching from it, or he dumped you - even if it's only in his own mind. If he sees himself as the dumper, he's probably got it into his head that the only reason you're hanging around is to stay close to him.

Now, we know that's crap, because you're much stronger and cooler than that. but either way, it's got nothing to do with you. So keep on keeping on: as much as you might WANT his friendship you sure as hell don't NEED it!

I had a very, very good friend who suddenly stopped communicating with me after a long friendship. For the longest time, I beat myself up about it, trying to figure out what I had done wrong; trying to figure out how I could go from being “like a sister” to being… nothing. It was like someone died and of course I was sad!

Then, instead of blaming myself or blaming her, I actually took the time to grieve for our friendship. I erased thoughts of “what if I run into her” and replaced them with “let’s get this out of your system”. I focused on me and how to get myself over it instead of being in it.

It feels like someone died, when in reality something died: the friendship. For whatever reason, it died. It’s not so simple to just “get over it”. You really have to go through some stages of grief. Let yourself feel that loss and acknowledge that it IS a loss; it IS a big deal. And it sucks, I know, big time.

When you feel ready, you can revisit the whole situation and try to figure it out or not, it's up to you, but now is probably not a good time to analyze it. Wait until you have some perspective and can step away from the whole thing.

If you run into him, just be casual. He’s probably feeling some loss as well and it will definitely be uncomfortable, but I am SURE you’re the bigger person who won’t ignore him, be a total bitch or poison his cocktail, right? RIGHT?!!? 

There’s not rush, so stop pressuring yourself to forget about him. Hang around with other friends or make new ones. Occupy yourself with a hobby that doesn’t include a voodoo doll. Go ahead and be sad, be angry, be confused… and then take your time moving on.

This is a difficult emotion to tackle- accepting rejection. First off, the male brain isn't wired like ours, so you have to take into consideration that most guys don't want to be "just friends" with a girl unless they have known her for awhile or they are a friend with benefits. I'm sure there were things that he liked about you which is why you kept hanging out- but chances are, he's a jerk and probably wanted to see if he could still maintain the "physical" perks of spending time with you instead of gaining a great friend. Chances are, he's met another girl he's interested in or has a new girlfriend and absent of class, so doesn't care about being cordial to you. It's alright though, I'm sure EVERYBODY does want to be your friend, anyone who is thoughtful enough to try to reach out to a guy it didn't work out romantically with, is woman enough to be friend with. you go girl!

No matter how you slice it this is one lousy situation. Things seem to be going well one minute and then the next minute the guy treats you like you dont even exist. And sadly, in his world you probably don't. I know it sounds harsh, and it is harsh, but it is also the truth. Why waste your timing even sending someone a friendly email when he couldnt get away from you fast enough the last time you both crossed paths. Dont make someone an option when they arent willing to make you a priority. Since guys are often uncomfortable dealing with anything resembling emotions it is much easier for them to pretend you dont exist rather than having the polite "Sorry, but I am just not that into you" convo. You can do better honey, move on.

I think the first question you need to ask yourself is, "Am I upset because he's a great guy and I hurt him and truly want to be his friend?" or "Oh my God, someone doesn't like me." I went through a similar situation and nearly killed myself being nice to the guy I broke up with. He hated my guts because I dumped him to go out with someone else. In hindsight, I probably should have let him get over it instead of constantly asking him if he was okay and telling him how much I valued his friendship. Maybe if you give it time he'll come around. If he doesn't, there isn't much you can do.

If the problem is that you can't stand someone not liking you, you should get over that. If you were clear that you just wanted to be friends (no drunken hook ups) and he's not interested, you don't need him.
It's sad to lose a friend, but it sounds like it's time to move on.

It’s completely normal and natural to feel sad when you lose a friend, especially if you’ve also dated him. But hey, if it makes you feel any better, this guy probably became your friend in the first place because he had a crush on you, so that’s confirmation that you’re one foxy lady.

As for your current predicament, you can’t force this guy to be your friend if he doesn’t want to. If you keep trying, you’ll only alienate him further and lose your self-respect in the process. All you can do is let him go. In the meantime, give yourself time to mourn the loss and the sadness will decrease over time.

You're right. To have a friend and have lost him is a big deal. However, to have had a fair-weather friend and have lost him once the seasons change is to be expected. People who split when things get a little uncomfortable shouldn't be lumped into the "friend" category. You were both present when the decision was made to take your relationship to the next level. Don't feel badly because you've "lost a friend." Feel better because you know where you stand. You said it yourself, "everybody wants to be your friend," and if this guy doesn't--it's his loss.

awww.....I know it sucks and it hurts,but hunny bunny you have got to move on. It's obvious that he has already. The truth is he tried your ride and didn't like it so he got off. That's just how it goes..... I think you are the most upset because your ego was stroked the wrong way a little. Just like you said “everybody wants to be your friend.” Well he doesn’t. And relationships get kinda sticky when going from 'friend' to 'boyfriend' and then back to 'friend'....it seldom works out babe. Sure he’s gone out with you a couple of times for some brews, that’s because he was still contemplating whether of not he still wanted you in his life. His curtness and shortness towards you has provided an answer…he’s over it and over you….So how about you go out and find a guy who wants to ride your ride and enjoys riding your ride and never wants to get off! Mwah!

Dearest Mary so-not-contrary:
Unrequited love is the worst of all torments - trust me on this sweet thing, me knows of what me speaks. However, you don't need to let this little ego-snag stop you from being fabulous for one more second...move onwards and upwards I always say!

I'm going to give it to you straight: He's either over you and into someone else, or, he's over you and wishes you would get over him because now he is in the uncomfortable position of feeling sorry for you and getting a tad weirded out to boot. And, honestly dahling (and you know this you savvy little minx), if you were such good friends in the first place you'd either still be roomin' in romantically or he would have bowed out much more gracefully.

Here's THE PLAN. Step 1: Stop all contact. Right now. Save what's left of your dignity and self-respect because those stores are depleting fast with every email, text and phone call. 2: Don't talk about him or ask about him with any of his friends or any mutual friends. Step 3: When you see him (and don't try to manufacture these meetings) be genuinely friendly but oh-so-slightly dismissive: "Hey! How are you? Sorry, can't stop to chat, I've got to go over and talk to so and so, but I'll talk to you later." Then don't. Step 4: No Rx-ing and texting or drinking and dialing young lady!

Once you follow these steps two great things will happen: 1.) Betcha a splurge at Sephora that once this guy sees how fine you are without him, thank-you-very-much, he'll stop viewing you as a pathetic parasite and start kicking himself for not realizing a hot ticket when he had it. 2.) By then you'll be soooo over it. Really! Go get your groove back Merry Mary! Be free!

Just how long was it from friends only to hot time romance? And by romantic did you mean you like had sex? Or just necked? Or what?

Does it matter? Of course it does. If you were great friends for a few years and then crossed over the borderline to friends with benefits/romantic sleepover partners for a few months, you might long to go back. If if was just a few kisses as opposed to hot nights or not so hot nights between the sheets, that does make a difference.

On the other hand, if you were friends for a month and then one drunken or slightly sloshed out evening fumbling around with each other's clothes on the way to the horizontal mambo, then you don't actually have a long history to be nostalgic about, right?

The dating part didn't work out? Exactly why?

Actually, you didn't ask about that. What you asked about is does it make one sad when a friend unfriends you. Of course it should unless you've been a complete cad or are as shallow as an ant's wading pool.

Sex changes everything and, yes, if he's moved on to another relationship, he might not want to be around temptation or he might be trying out the same line on another girl.

Hi Mary,

Well, the very same thing happened to me a few years ago. A very good friend of mine, (of 10 years!) and I ended up dating, "and things." We were both feeling somewhat vulnerable at the time, and didn't really think through what we were doing. It just felt right for the moment.

My, how a relationship changes when you go from friends to dating-and-things! There is a reason we like our friends, and many times those qualities are not what we are looking for in a mate. Well, our casual dating never took that turn down Commitment Lane, but I always thought we would stay friends. After I ended our affair, he started avoiding my calls and e-mails. I would see him around and he would barely talk to me! We didn't talk again for about six months, until one day, we ran into each other on the street. He was very happy to see me. We went to lunch and had a great time catching up. While I had him there, I decided to drum up the courage and ask him why he had avoided me for so long. He proceeded to tell me that while he thought I was a great person and a dear friend, it was impossible to have a normal friendship after we did the "thing." Well, I thought that was a bit childish, and told him so. He came back with a reply that I couldn't snuff.

He said,

"Ok, when I start dating a girl, and she eventually meets you, she might ask, ""Have you ever slept with her?"" I can't lie about something like that. So when I tell her the truth she won't want you hanging around, and it would be a bizarre situation for everyone."

There was literally nothing I could say. He was right. Although we really enjoyed each other's friendship, we just don't hang out together anymore. And of course it's a sad situation. Here's how I look at it: Maybe he entered my life to teach me this very lesson -- Don't sleep with your friends. I wouldn't have understood why it's such a bad idea had I not treasured his friendship in the first place.

Ouch! While men tend to revert to their teenage selves when they're stuck in an uncomfortable situation, keep your dignity by confidently moving on. We've all been there, and even though it's more comfortable to keep all the not-so-bad exes in your pocket for a rainy day, it doesn't help you any. There's a reason it didn't work out. Mix yourself a strong drink, regale your friends with stories of his inadequacies, and set your sights on your next victim! Good luck!

Yikes! I know this feeling all too well. If I could count the times I have been rejected by someone then...well I guarantee you I would come up with a nice double digit number!

These kind of things happen and for the slightly co-dependent of us out here in the not-always-too-friendly-world get hurt by these individuals who clog dance all over our feelings.

It sounds like you have friends in your life and therefore aren’t looking to the suicide hotline as your next source of comfort and support - so this is in itself, a very positive note about the situation. I can almost guarantee that this is one of those hiccups in life that you will barely remember when you are 80 plus years of age watching your grandchildren play in the yard but in present day reality it is a sad thing and a sad day. It’s OK to acknowledge this and have the “moment” – even going as far as to turn on the cheesy sad music and have a little cry on the way home. Maybe even to continue on with the music once you have arrived home and perhaps until you get into bed at night…after that though you should turn over the leaf and get into the frame of mind that if you are not a priority in this persons’ life and if they are willing to risk hurting your feelings even SLIGHTLY then in the words of my brilliant mother: screw em’ they’re trash. (She always did know how to make me feel better about things.)

We’ve all been there and you are not the only one. You may feel sad and you might feel silly for being sad but you have every right - and in the words of my wonderful grandmother: “Darling, this too shall pass”.

Relationships are never more difficult to navigate than when they mutate, and this can be especially challenging for men. It's possible that Mr. Ex regrets having let a fabulous woman like you slip through his fingers, and seeing you happily moving forward with your life is a reminder of what might have been. So to protect himself, he withdraws from you. It's never easy to lose a friend but you are taking the best approach - leave him be and when that isn't possible, act cordially. Eventually, when he finds himself in a satisfying relationship, he may want you back in his life.
And you can decide at that time whether you're still interested.

Friend, if I had a grain of sand for every person that has entered the theater of my life, then exited stage right when I wasn’t looking, I would have the beach in my living room by now. And yes, it made me sad every time someone I had invested time in moved on. The questions “What did I do” or “What didn’t I do” always arose. Regarding men it was “Maybe my nose is to big and my breasts are too small…” along with a parade of other negative self evaluations. It seemed like the value I placed on them was not reciprocated.
Sounds familiar, huh? That’s because it is a totally common occurrence. It happens every day to every one. Of course, that doesn’t diminish the pain at all. What can help you feel better about the situation, with a little time and some cardio kick boxing, is to realize that someone’s life course will not always follow yours, and that includes what time shapes them, along with their interests, into. The end of a relationship is not a reflection on your successes or short comings as an individual, but simply a tangible result of growth. And growth is always something to be celebrated!

-Val R. Macias

I think the first thing you need to understand is what you want- do you want to be his friend, his girlfriend, or his attention. You've done the friend thing, the sex thing and then limbo...what happens next? Is it really a reflection of your personality, or maybe, just maybe...the timing. Your time was up. There's only so long men and women can pretend they don't have feelings for each-other.

The beer and the ballgame really meant something to you and there's no reason that the history you shared has to be rewritten because of this ending. Who knows what will happen in the future. Maybe he is the one for you. Maybe not.

The important thing is that you had a good time with this person and yes, it didn't work out, but you still have the memories. He's the one missing out, not you.

I know it might be cold, but in my experience, the best thing is to realize that the other person is having problems. You don't dump your friends (or your girlfriend) because you're happy. He might be going through something embarrassing, hard or even subconscious that he doesn't want you to be a part of. Give him space. You sound like you need it too :)

When friendships turn romantic it is often hard to go back to being "just friends" again. I fell in love with a friend and we dated on and off for two years. We tried to maintain the friendship but in the end there were too many hurt feelings. Although it is sad when relationships of any kind end we can still honor the connection we once had and move on gracefully with our head held up high. Splurge on something new that makes you feel attractive and get out there, make some new friends and date again. Maybe down the road when you are both in new and loving relationships you will be able to finally be friends again. Don't chase him, let him go, you never know what the future has in store.

Of course I've had someone I once cared for not want to be my friend anymore. And yes it has made me sad. Unrequited love rocks all our worlds - whether it is a romantic or an agape (the Greek for familial or friendship) type of love. This is the risk of reaching out into the world to make relationships – they might not happen at all, but this is also the reward, because sometimes they do. You never quite know who will come into your life or leave it or return. Relationships work when it is feeding both people. When there is a need. The thing is, you can't force it - there is a natural ebb and flow to friendships and trying not to get wet or digging your heels in the sand never did change the course of the tides. Perhaps you should back off of the finality you impose on it all and kind of live the question and not the answers you’ve made for yourself. For the most part in life – it is not about us. Wasn’t there a time when someone reached out to you and it just didn’t ‘work’ for you? You didn’t wish this person harm or ill will; perhaps you just didn’t feel that great promise that they did. Take joy in those that do want to be your friend and don't try to read into emails because they will never ever inflect tone, emails will never really substitute for real conversation. But if you’re going to use them - be respectful and be kind but save the intimate questions for when you’re actually intimate and not in the arms of the world wide web. It’s called net maybe for a reason – there’s a lot of catches. Lou Reed once said, there's a little bit of magic in everything and some loss to even things out. Good luck.

Oh, sweetie. It seems to me that this clueless adonis is so obsessed with sending you "friends only" vibes that he has become the emperor of asshats. Bless the ego-maniacal howler monkey! He believes that he is so great, so wonderful, such a catch that a darling girl like you could take nothing less that the whole relationship enchilada. Tell Mr. Anti-Friend, to leggo his ego. Try try again won't work with this fellow. Just be friendly, as you indicated, in social gatherings and don't bother to invite him along anymore. Whatever you do, do not fall into the tactless trenches of having a "What's up with our friendship" conversation, this will just stoke the fires of his ego, and reinforce his belief that you are interested in more than friendship.

The fact that friendships that end up romantic are often complicated when someone wants to go back to being friends. Not only does this cause problems it can also create tension in the friendship. The last thing you want is to allow yourself to be used and from the way it sounds it's like this guy isnt being straight with you on his intent. How I say that is because he's all into things with you and then starts acting aloof and weird on you, but the deal is if he didnt want to be more than friends he should have been honest with you and told you the truth. Not only did it save him added stress of someone getting hurt, but it settles things on both ends so the person who's feelings were involved won't feel as if they were being used. I would let this guy go because he's not even a man if he couldnt be straight with you on his intent. Don't ever make time for someone and they see you as their option.

Of course I've had someone I once cared for not want to be my friend anymore. And yes it has made me sad. Unrequited love rocks all our worlds - whether it is a romantic or an agape (the Greek for familial or friendship) type of love. This is the risk of reaching out into the world to make relationships – they might not happen at all, but this is also the reward, because sometimes they do. You never quite know who will come into your life or leave it or return. Relationships work when it is feeding both people. When there is a need. The thing is, you can't force it - there is a natural ebb and flow to friendships and trying not to get wet or digging your heels in the sand never did change the course of the tides. Perhaps you should back off of the finality you impose on it all and kind of live the question and not the answers you’ve made for yourself. For the most part in life – it is not about us. Wasn’t there a time when someone reached out to you and it just didn’t ‘work’ for you? You didn’t wish this person harm or ill will; perhaps you just didn’t feel that great promise that they did. Take joy in those that do want to be your friend and don't try to read into emails because they will never ever inflect tone, emails will never really substitute for real conversation. But if you’re going to use them - be respectful and be kind but save the intimate questions for when you’re actually intimate and not in the arms of the world wide web. It’s called net maybe for a reason – there’s a lot of catches. Lou Reed once said, there's a little bit of magic in everything and some loss to even things out. Good luck.

Romance is a funny thing. You hang out with a person and somewhere in the back of your mind you think "I wonder if he's the one, kind of cute, kind of funny, why not?" so you take the plunge into dating. The friendship keeps the whole romantic feeling alive for a while and then suddenly one of you decide or both decide, we're good as friends but you really kind of turn me off. Then there you are back in the whole "Let's be friends" situation.

Sadly taking friendships to the dating stage can be the end to many good things. It's hard to be friends when you've seen naked bodies or had their tongue down your throat. Sometimes letting a friendship become an acquaintance in those situations is the best thing for everyone. The "romance" wasn't enough to keep the two of you together, so maybe you have to wonder if it wasn't just a passing fling, a moment when you needed that particular friend in your life, and you in his, but now that time has passed.

This doesn't mean you won't ever be friends again, it simply means that today is not the day. Enjoy your other friends and let this one find his way in his own time.

Men are different from women in a way that you might not suspect; we (I'm a man so I will use the catch-all 'we') will end something and think that we can re-start either: 1) where we left off or 2) At the begining. Women, I've noticed, end something once and for all and will never start something again. This is what I think has happened to you and it sounds like the 'time machine' doesn't make you too happy either.
I say, forget it, forget him and walk away. For this thing to work, you both need to feel the chemsitry; if you don't why waste any more time when you could be out there finding a way better match?

Well Mary, some guys just don't know a good thing when they see it. Even when they've got it right there in their grimy, little hands, they'd rather be stupid and crush it like a bug than nurture it with love and kindness. Not your fault.

You mentioned that you and this guy were friends first, and then one evening things took a romantic turn. Was this something that happened because of a (sober), mutual attraction, or was there alcohol involved? I only ask because your answer could tell us a lot. When people are drinking, they tend to let go of not only their inhibitions, but also their common sense and all too often, their clothes! The scenario is repeated night after night by strangers and friends alike all over the world. Some other questions to ask yourself are "what were we doing that night?", "who else was around?", "did either of us just come out of a bad relationship?", "was there any sexual tension between us before this all happened?" There are many more questions you could ask yourself, but these should put you on the path to finding out what you need to know.

On the other hand, if you weren't drinking or otherwise suffering impaired judgment, the chances are good that you both honestly wanted to form a relationship, so you gave it a whirl. Sadly, things don't always work out, such is the case here.

He may truly care about your feelings, which would explain the ball game and the beers here and there. He may value your friendship and not want to see it end, so he made an effort. The short and sweet e-mail response you got from him could just indicate that he was having a really bad day. We all have them. He's entitled. Of course there's always the possibility that the guy is just a jerk. The only way to be sure is to wait it out - painful as it may be - and see if he ever contacts you again. Either he will or he won't, only time will tell.

You may never have the answer you're waiting for, though, and that's something you'll have to accept. In the meantime, I want to leave you with this suggestion --- assume the reason he's being short with you is because you're so ungodly beautiful he just can't control himself around you, and he doesn't want to ruin what's left of the friendship!

Good luck, sister!

Lovers into friends is never easy. The friends thing is usually a way to slide out of a relationship without hurting someone as much as a total break up would seem to hurt them. Once one or both parties stop feeling guilty-its over. However, cherish your relationship and friendship that you had with him for what is was. People come and go in our lives and I believe they only stay as long as we truly need them. Take it from someone who has been there and tortured herself for years over a situation just like this. You may not ever get the closure you want from him, so learn to give it to yourself. Mourn it all out for a couple of day: cry, rage, ask why? to your dog, your friends, but not to him! Then, pack up the letters, the cards, delete the emails and let go. Go find those friends and lovers who want to be with you and appreciate you and don't waste your life on those who don't.

It's totally understandable that you feel sad that he doesn't want to be your friend anymore. I'm sure you're also confused by his sudden turn around.

The end of your friendship is obviously weighing on your mind and I believe that if you don't resolve this type of issue you'll carry it with you as baggage and it will ooze into future relationships.

I'd suggest dealing with this head on. If you're not comfortable calling him then I'd suggest sending him an email asking him why he doesn't want to be friends anymore or why he's been snippy and curt with you recently. I'd ask him if you did something wrong that upset him and let him know that this is bothering you.

If nothing else, he'll be forced to give you some type of answer for his curtness and you might actually find a way to rekindle your friendship. Either way, I feel like this is something you should confront head on and no matter what the outcome you'll be better off in the future. You don't want to carry this baggage around cause believe me it will get heavier and heavier as you go.

Ow! Since life is short and friends are few, I'd back off for awhile and consider the possibility that he's wrestling with strange issues that may not even concern you. Get on with your life, let him get on with his, and at some point, when your internal gears have shifted back to neutral, get back in touch with him IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT.

Maybe he's confused about the original friendship drifting into romance territory; maybe he's confused about the whole direction of his life, but that's not your responsibility.

The big question for you to ask yourself is what you want your future to look like. What new interests do you want to pursue? What is going to make your world a brighter and better place? What is going to make your heart pound faster than a few beers and a baseball game?

Mary, My Magpie,

If everyone wants to be your friend, show him what he’s missing! Throw a fabulous party. Have fun nights out. You’ll make new friends in the process and forget about oh-what’s-his-name. If you still find yourself missing him, just tell him what’s bothering you. He’ll be forced to fess up about his sudden change of heart.

The best thing you can do right now is to forget he ever existed and keep plugging along. When you achieve that beautiful moment when the memory of him slips out of your imagination-- dollars to doughnuts-- he will call you wondering, "what you've been up to". That's how guys are: as soon as they know you don't need them, they desperately want a place in your existence. I know it’s disingenuous (and pretty childish) but that’s how the sweet jest works. It sounds like you're more mature than he is, and so maybe it isn't even worth it to play the silly game with him.

In situations like this it is hard not to feel upset because you do not know why he is treating you this way. Of course, you are going to care the friendship is over. It is always sad when a friend or relationship ends but think of it this way, if he can not tell you what you did to make him not treat you this way, he is not much of a friend anyway and it is good he is out of your life. You are now making space for better friends in your life.

Hey girlfriend,

If you run into him, you could be nice, or you could give him a dose of his own medicine. Ignore him back. I'm not sure why would want to be nice to someone who's not nice to you.

This guy is a waste of your time. I would be flip and give you the cliche, "He's not just into you." But, this is serious -- don't go there. Do what's good for -- not what's bad for you.

Instead, think of one dream in your life, large or small. Take at least one step to attain it. Move toward the good in your life, and away from the bad.

Take care, and keep in touch.

I think for some people its always hard to be "just a friend." Typically in a break-up situation there are still feelings up in the air and either the feeling can completely dissolve between both parties or connection has to be cut off all together. I have had exes stay close with me, however we have hooked up now and again afterwards because the attraction/feelings were still there for one or both of us.
My last serious boyfriend was one I had to cut off because I knew it would be too hard to be just friends. At first I tried to keep in contact but I'd either end up crying or falling back in love with someone who wasn't good for me. Add a little alcohol and a late night booty call and it only goes downhill from there...Sometimes its too easy to get back in that comfort zone and back into the arms of the person you once wanted, even if you don't really want them anymore.
It sucks that you lost a friend but perhaps things were too tempting and too hard from his end of the deal. Keep your girlfriends close; they always are there long after guys have screwed us all over.

Mary,
It is always sad when a relationship ends, and it is perfectly natural to feel a bit miffed and confused.

I'm sure I'm not the first person to ever tell you that sex confuses things. And it seems as though this is what happened between you and your friend.

Sometimes, people are just better as friends, but once you fall into bed together, it can be hard to go back to slugging each other on the arm.

Give the guy some space (remember, guys always want what they can't have). He's probably trying to make sense of his emotions right now, too.

He'll either get over it and be friendly when you see each other in passing or he'll continue to act like a high school sophomore.

Either way, his loss. Move on to something better. And the next time you find yourself in a similar situation, keep your feet on the floor and your clothes on until you're sure you're both ready to say goodbye to the friendship if things fall apart.

Life and how we feel about life is made up of choices. You either choose to bog your self down with this sadness or you choose not to. Laugh, love and live as if it does not matter and it wont! Smile long enough and you eventually feel it. Leave the choice of regret to him when next he lays eyes on your new frame of mind.
(Just my 2¢)

Breaking up is hard to do. Whether we are lovers or just friends with anyone we engage in any sort of relationship with, from the start, we always run the risk of it ending. Harsh words for a tough situation, but it's the case in every interaction we have. Part of friendship is the give and take between people caring about one another, we grow together, we help one another realize our faults and our triumphs, and perhaps in this case the glimmer of hope that can be taken from the situation is learning when to say no. -Meaning, honey, if he doesn't want to be around you, he is missing out. It sounds like you've been cordial and caring and he's uninterested and this might not even be your fault. While it never hurts to re-evaluate how anyone's acted in a situation, and you should always, don't beat yourself up about this one. It sounds like it didn't work out for a reason, and maybe that reason is just around the corner, but it's tough to see the truth when we've got the negative past clouding our vision of the future. Losing a friend is a terrible thing, but if it's meant to be, he'll come around again, and your bond will strengthen. If he doesn't then maybe you've saved the heartache of where it could have gone had things gotten worse. Forseeing negativity and ignoring its path takes both bravery and skill and you've got them both within you. Don't let it linger, go out and do something positive for yourself. Take a walk! Good luck and don't forget to smile.

Ouch. I could feel the sting from here. It always hurts when someone who once relished your company decides that even 30 seconds of a chance meeting is time better spent elsewhere. Any woman with a strong personality can attest to the fickle nature of young men AND young women. Unless you’ve gone through some kind of metamorphosis since the two of you met you’re probably wondering, “What did I do?”

In all likelihood, you did nothing besides remain the same person you’ve always been. Should you agonize over the details of this brief relationship and attempt to finger just what was it that ‘drove’ this man away? Or should you ask yourself why it’s necessary to win everyone over—read Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. Absolutely everyone has faced a time when his or her relationship, romantic or other, have mysteriously gone sour. Consider yourself blessed, at least this didn’t occur at the workplace—where my most memorable falling-outs have occurred.

Be sad, shrug, and then soldier on. Accept that this relationship is over and is not something to be won or lost. Spend time with your close friends, soon you’ll be asking yourself why you spent even 30 seconds contemplating the inner workings of some fussy dope.

There are a myriad of reasons why we get frumped (dumped by a friend), that may or may not have anything to do with you. It hurts when someone you care about, whom you have invested time and trust into, is no longer responsive.

First, find out what is going on, since the only thing you offered as proof of your friend dumping you is his not-so-friendly response to your email. I’ve had situations where someone was offended by something I said or did and instead of talking to me they took the defensive and went AWOL. I have unfortunately done the same and lost a potentially good friend because I didn’t just simply share my feelings and they never got the chance to make it up to me. Find out where you stand, if it truly is over or if there is something left to salvage.

If it is indeed the end, this is a good time to see if there is anything you can learn from the situation. You may actually find that there was nothing you would have done differently. Sometimes people are just meant to be in our lives briefly (and others for a lifetime). The most important thing to know is that you are lovable and valuable and that you will meet someone who will appreciate you for the great person that you are.

Dear NO More Friend anonymous:
You've got to realize that men and women think differently. What you think was a friendship, may have been his way of seeking out a partner. And when dating didn't work, he tried to let you down easy by going along with the 'let's be friends' trip. Take the hint and move on! And I notice that you didn't note why your dating didn't work out, so there may be more here than meets the eye. The bottom line is - if this dude don't dig ya - don't waste your time. Treasure the friends you still have, and keep lookin' for love!
ccPhoenix

Cynthia, you have a bit of oxytocin mixed in with your emotions there. You were friends and then you mixed fluids, right? That's when new chemicals got going and that feel good is still there with regard to his memory. With him out of the picture entirely, on a subconscious level your mind is saying "no more feel good." In other words, sad. It's normal; it'll pass. He'll be back in your life as a friend some day, or not. Go enjoy the big world.

Oops! Duh! I should write something, right? lol

Sometimes we say that it doesn't bother us when it really does. I mean, who wants to be rejected? No one does. I think deep down you know that it would never have worked. But the idea that he doesn't want to be your friend at all, has more than likely tripped that small wiring that most women have--what is wrong with me?

There is nothing wrong with you. You derserve much better. It okay to be sad. I've been there Because, in all actuality, it is the friendship that you are really missing. You were, after all, friends first. But clearly, that is kind of an awkward spot for you, and probably him as well. Although I doubt he will admit to that!

In any case, cheer yourself up. Get dolled up. Call some friends, and have a good time celebrating you. After all, wouldn't you rather the the whole bag of chips than some greasy crumbs? =)

Dear Mary, It can be very sad to loose a friend but friendships with substance doesn't just Phase out as yours and the guy you thought of as a friend. That was called a season friendship, one not made for longevity.
Also the term sad is what you're speaking but what you're feeling is a bruised ego.

Your friend phased you out which was crushing, perhaps no one has chilled on you like that before. You stated that everyone wants to be your friend and rejection got the best of you.
You also stated that you'll get over it, believe it you will.
Zuri

Mary,

Losing a friend is difficult, no matter what the situation. However, losing a friend who then became a lover is even more complicated. There are two separate concepts to mourn. One is the loss of a romantic relationship -- which can be very hard, even after a short time. Losing the friendship can be even worse -- not only do you no longer have an intimate relationship, but now you've lost the everyday things that were so great *before* you ended up in bed together.

When a man is suddenly cold, it could mean a variety of things. Our society trains men to keep their feelings inside more and their natural reaction to strong feelings can often be a desire to evade them, rather than talk about them or feel them for very long.

I've found that while the answer to this riddle may never be known, I can offer up a few tidbits. First off, it may not be you, it may really be him. Sometimes, when guys fall for someone and it doesn't work out, they cut and run. But when the guy was formerly the woman's friend, I find that it's sometimes easier for men not to be in contact with us at all -- there's old feelings to feel and they might actually be trying to do the right thing by you, so they don't end up confusing matters any more (for you OR for them).

Secondly, if you want to save your sanity, you'll respect his new attitude toward you. Regardless of why he's acting this way (his own confusion, a new interest, just being a jerk), it has only caused me pain in the past to keep seeking someone who no longer is emotionally available.

Lastly, it's fine to be sad about the situation. But one of the more terrible traps of something like this is being upset and thinking "He's the one I used to go to when I was upset." It's always better to call a friend first before sending a text, email or making a phone call. Take care of yourself and date you for awhile. Let your feelings get more grounded and see what you really want in an ideal date/partner/mate. Then, you can be in a much better position to evaluate a potential sexy situation the next time something like this comes up.

And you *know* it will. Best of luck to you -- leave this be, and better things will be around the corner.

Jocelyn

Dear Mary,

I truly emphasize with your situation, and I think too many of us have been through this at least once with a member of the opposite sex. In this situation, you’ve lost your friend and gone through a break up, so it is quite unfortunate. But unfortunately I think you need to realize that you’re no longer in the category of friendship. It’s because once you enter into a category with men, you rarely come out, and those categories exist in only three realms. Therefore:

1. Once a man sees you as “casual” or “purely sex” because you’ve slept with him too soon, he will rarely consider you for marriage or a long term relationship.
2. Once a man sees you as “one of the guys”, and has been your friend for long enough for any romantic feelings to dissipate, you rarely leave that category.
3. Once you’ve broken up, and given the circumstance that not enough time has passed, a man doesn’t try to initiate feelings for “friendship” unless he wants to get back together. He doesn’t see you as the “friend” anymore, he sees you as the dreaded “ex girlfriend”.

There are always exceptions to these rules, but generally speaking this has rang true in 98% of my relationships, and my friends relationships.

What you really must ask yourself is the following question. Do I want to be his friend for his acceptance/ to validate my self worth? Do I want to be his friend because I miss having HIM around? If you want to open the doorway to communication for any of those reasons, perhaps it’s best to keep the door closed until you don’t need him in your life anymore. I say this because usually when we claim we are sending an email for “closure”; in actuality we are sending an email for acceptance or to give ourselves false hope.

If his friendship means a lot to you, then give it more time. Allow the all healing magic hand of time to allow space for recovery. If you truly want nothing more than cordial acquaintances, then blame it on his immaturity. Maybe you’ll get your friend back in the long run. Until then, good luck! :-)

~S

I read your story, and it was like looking at one of my own relationships.

I was with a guy, that I was originally close friends with, and we dated for over a year (he was my first love..and my first...well there was a lot of firsts) and when we split up, we tried the whole remaining friends thing but it was just to hard. Now he won't talk to me, won't go to parties he knows I'll be at and wouldn't even let his current girlfriend go to a house party I was going to be at.

I was sad that he couldn't even be civil when at one time we'd been so close. I was sad that it had taken such a horrible turn, but I wasn't sad that it was over. It was good while it lasted, but it wasn't supposed to be forever I guess, and I had to admit to myself that there would never be that closeness, or that friendship again.

You seem to have made this step already, and come to a point where you can say, "OK well he doesn't want to be friends, and I guess I'm OK with that." The fact that you want to be friendly towards him in the future, despite his somewhat childish behaviour, is grown up on your behalf and you should feel slightly proud of yourself for this.

Most people find it hard to remain friends with their ex's and it's that little bit harder if you were good friends before this. He may still be dealing with his feelings for you and thanks to the whole macho man image, it's just easier for him to pull away.

You said that you know you shouldn't care, but what makes you think this? It's natural that you're going to feel sad, because not only did you lose a boyfriend, you lost a friend. It's OK that you feel this way, and you shouldn't belittle your feelings on the matter.

I agree with a lot of the above statements about giving it time. You might find in the future that he's ready to try and start again. Just let him know you'll be there when he's ready, but you're not waiting by the phone, pining for him. That way the balls in his court and you can get on with things.

Hope this helps. xxx

Yes, I was in the same situation years ago and to this day, I wonder why he would not want to remain my friend. I have been told by mutual friends that he wanted to be more than just friends again and since he knew that was not the case with me, he was abrupt with me. So be it, is what I say. After breaking all ties with him is when I met my wonderful husband with whom I now I have 2 children. Had I continued to let this bother me, I may have never let my husband in and then where would I be? Life is what we make it. I say, let it go, Mr Right is probably around the next corner. Go take a look for him.

Yes it does make a person sad when they can't get what they want, that goes for any and everyone concerning any and every situation. As far as dude goes, he can't be around you either because you still ignite a spark in his loins or you still get on his nerves. Guys don't like to admit that they made a mistake when they break up with someone. We find out that it's not always greener on the other side of the fence. We also don't like being friends with someone that we had to get away from to begin with. Something happened, whatever it was, move on away from it and him. Holla.

Wait a minute! You mean you actually meant it when you said you wanted to be friends? It's not very often that this happens, and even less often when BOTH parties involved mean it. He either really didn't mean it, or he wasn't fully prepared for YOU to mean it.

You probably broke his heart by being able to move on and be friends. Poor guy, here he was expecting you to fall into a puddle of self despair, begging him to take you back, and you just move on and want to enjoy a beer together! Dang girl, that's cold ;)

Either way, you've already moved on from the relationship, so now it's time to move on from the friendship. Eventually he'll either really miss hanging out, or you'll realize that beer tastes better with a true friend.

Well, you certainly can't turn your feelings on and off like a switch. Although, I'm sure that most of us wish we could!

We've all been in situations where we don't want to feel hurt or saddened by them but just can't help it. So instead of trying to avoid how you're feeling...embrace it and feel it. Feel every crappy, gritty, anger-filled emotion you've got...

and then grab a pillow and scream into it and then punch it a couple times.. (of course, this is once you've removed your face from the pillow)

If you see him out and about...just be casual. Act like nothing has changed and put on a wide smile even though you may not be feeling THAT happy at the moment.

The second that he sees that you've moved on and that you're ok with it.. he'll think twice...

and if he doesn't..

he's not worth your time, effort, energy or tears anyway...

Methinks you might have a failure to read between the lines on this one.

You said you were friends first, then dated (unsuccessfully) and now he's cold towards you. So, what's changed? The dating aspect. It's altered everything.

Likely his initial friendship with you was a little more you being friends with him and he was seeing possibly more with you. He was biding his time for a chance at your heart. That would explain his terse replies. Even though you didn't mention it I'm guessing you likely had more to do with it (the dating) ending than he did.

As for advice, confront him on it. If he fesses up, then you have your answer. If it's something else it either gets repaired or you can simply re-define this old friend and an ex-friend.

For you, getting together with your friend-turned-good-friend-turned-something-more-than-friend-turned-ex in the post-relationship stage might sound like a perfectly amiable event. For him, it resembles nothing less than torture. For you, hitting him up casually after the ball game in which he was forced to endure torture with a smile on his face, in front of other friends, might seem like a cool way of checking on a buddy, but really, with your nonchalant "hey," you were really just driving the sharpened daggers of the whole traumatic experience further into his body.

It’s nice to be in control. You’re the one who made this relationship jump to next level, and for a little while there, you were the one at the drivers seat, dictating exactly how post relationship behavior should go. But now he’s taken the reins, and has unleashed a coup on your plan to de-throne him from the position of your coveted honey-bun and chuck him into the marginalized category of “social acquaintances.”

The reason you feel sad is that things are not going according to plan. You felt like you guys could still be friends after all this, you wanted it to work, “there’s really no need for it to be awkward now!” you’ve probably thought to yourself. The thing you’ve got to realize is that you’ve cut yourself free, so be free! You no longer have to put up with his him; his habits, his immaturity, his smothering (or whatever it was that he was doing that made it not work out on a dating level). However, this also means that he does not have to do what you say; he doesn’t have to speak kindly to you, he doesn’t have to meet you at ball games and he doesn’t have to be friends with you anymore if its too painful to him.

It is perfectly reasonable for you to feel a little sad about it. It’s traumatic when a person you used to be really close with stands up to you and says, “I’m not going to take this anymore!” Especially when you’re not actively trying to do anything to them. (Think teen standing up to a parent.) But don’t be confused! Your sadness stems from the fact that he isn’t the person you wanted him to be—NOT from the rejection aspect—because I bet you my teeth if you guys started hanging out again and he acted the way you thought you wanted him to act (nicely), it would only be a matter of time before you’d have to invest your energy into shutting him down yet again.

It sounds like this guy may still have feelings of more than friendship for you and was hurt by the end of the romantic relationship. It's now difficult for him to go back to where you were before because he still wants more. It only hurts him to hear you talk about other guys or see you wtih them.

It's best to let him go. In time, if his feelings for you dissipate and you see each other again, he may be able to be your friend again. But, for now, you should let him go and not make it any more difficult for him.

Hey there.

Yes, I think most of us can say we have been there and it doesn't feel good.

That said, there is nothing worse that being nice and having your kindness ignored or not returned. However, you said it right.."When we see each other again, I will be nice". That is all you can do. Men sometimes, for whatever reason, can't or don't know how to 'friends' with women and instead of just saying that or acting like an adult, they shut down.

Trust me, i have done it and it was because I didn't know how to express myself.

You did nothing wrong. You have been a good friend. Nothing is more important than "you feel good". If this relationship, friendship or whatever doesn't do that, than take care of yourself and make sure that you surround yourself with good people.

Finally, sometimes....when we look back after a few months, we realize it's for the best

Hang in there.

Sometimes when a relationship ends, even if it seems mutual, there are feelings on one end that are not completely diminshed. It sounds to me like this guy finds it too hard to remain friends because perhaps it reminds him of the good times, or perhaps the bad as well. In my experiences I do one of two things; remain friends and, yes, while there certainly CAN be platonic events there are also the moments when you may cross that line of love and friendship (in my case it always involves alcohol and perhaps a late-night booty call...oops). The second option is cutting off contact. It IS hard, especially since this guy was a good friend beforehand but sometimes you have to let that one go in order to go on with your life.
This guy sounds like he can't handle being just friends...perhaps the fruit is just too tempting or perhaps he is just like a typical man who doesn't think before he speaks. Give him some space and if you two were meant to reconnect down the road, it'll happen. The boomerang effect takes place more often than you think...:)

Hey Mary--This falls into the "I've seen her naked recently" discomfort zone. He might just feel awkward having once been intimate with you and now, not. The "friend-with-an-ex" thing is difficult, though possible. I know. I am great friends with mine. But it took quite some time to enter neutral territory. Give it some breathing room and if he still casts his eyes downward upon your approach, chalk it off and bask in the fellowship of all those other folks you so easily attract.

Lyn

Most people have had an experience like this. If someone pushes you away, you want them more. The thing is, most of the time you're better off without these people. Have you ever had a relationship which ends and you creep and crawl around them, humiliating yourself, trying to regain their affection. I have. Result: loss of self-respect and they think even less of you.

The first time I was rejected was by a friend at school. He drifted away to another group of friends (who I had nothing in common with) and gradually our contact became non-existent. I was hurt but my response was to act like nothing had happened and pretend that I didn't need friends. Of course looking back, we were in our mid teens and we naturally were getting into different things. Our 'break-up' was nothing personal at all.

You may be popular but it's unlikely that 'everyone' will want to be your friend. If that was literally true, it would be a massive pain in the ass. You can't be friends with everybody. Cliche, I know.

So, in essence, take back the power, drop him from your thoughts and take someone else to bed.

Hi there,

You sound like a real sweetie, and you shouldn't put yourself down for feeling sad at losing a friend. It's okay to care and admit it. By the way, it has happened to all of us at one time or another and it does hurt to lose a friend.

His curtness and rudeness were probably his way of dealing with an uncomfortable situation. Maybe he thought you were trying to date him again. (And be honest with yourself, were you?) Maybe he doesn't know how to be "just friends" with a girl he's been physically intimate with. Some guys are like that.

The point is, don't make it about you; there is nothing wrong with you. Make it about him. There could be a dozen different reasons why he acted the way he did, and right now, you could drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what you did. So don't.

Let yourself feel sad, then let the whole thing go. Stop thinking about it; keep busy with other things.

OR...

If it will make you feel better to express how you feel, write him a short email acknowledging the tension between you two, and then let it go, for real. Don't expect an email back from him or any other kind of reply. You are writing this email for yourself, to get your feelings out. Keep it really, really brief.

Just say something like, "Not sure what happened, but I hope we can be friends again someday. All my best..." Do not say anything more than that. Don't tell him you're sad (he'll get it). Don't tell him you miss the times you hung out together (he knows). Anything more than those two lines will make it look like you're trying to get him to be your friend again immediately--which you are not. Then click "send" and move on.

Surround yourself with friends who do appreciate you and make you feel good about yourself.

Dearest Poppy of Popularity,

Being likeable and being lick-able are both the grandest of traits, and you seem to have both in equal measure!

Be discriminating! Cultivate your tastes in friends so that, while there may be a line around your block of blokes and babes aching to have tea for two with YOU,

You are simply unavailable.

Make yourself unavailable to those who can't decide whether they like you or LIKELIKE you.

You haven't the time for such flimsy fellows.

The daisy of he-loves-me, he-loves-me-not only has so many petals.

Keep a few for yourself, and let yourself bloom, up up and away from this baboon.

I say get over the dope. He is a bad habit, like biting your fingernails. I'd say you are better than that. Don't wallow in the mud and pull yourself out. Just think of this guy as one more experience to know what not to do the next time. Move on, Mr. Right is just around the corner!

First of all, I would say you need to move on. There is no worst feeling than regret and spending too much time mulling over a situation that you can't control is tantamount to losing the time you have left. It's a terrible feeling when you discover that a relationship, whether it's a personal or romantic one, has changed for the worst. But in the end, life is short and you should spend your time with people who want to spend theirs with you.

You don’t know why it makes you sad that he doesn’t want to be your friend anymore? It’s because you’re a human being with feelings and not a robot. Having someone cut off their feelings for you, romantic or otherwise, hurts. Even if the relationship is unhealthy and you know it, and even if you can objectively admit that you don’t enjoy being around the person anymore, it hurts when they’re the one to instigate a loss of contact. If it didn’t hurt you, then that means you didn’t really care about the person, even as a friend.

Try putting yourself in this guy’s shoes. You guys had a romantic relationship. Turning that into a friendship, even if there was a friendship there prior to the romantic relationship, is not an easy task. Romance makes things very complicated, so complicated that sometimes people just want to cut the person out of their life. It happens. If someone doesn’t want you in their life, there’s essentially nothing you can do to change their mind, and you can’t be in someone’s life if they don’t want you there.

Very few relationships, including friendships, are going to last a lifetime. This doesn’t necessarily reflect how meaningful that relationship was. But sometimes, they just expire, like dairy food. They’re great, then they’re over, and you have a life to get to.

And yes, it’s happened to me. It’s happened to everyone, on both sides of the equation.

Good luck!

"There was a guy I dated at the beginning of the year I really liked a lot." So girl who likes boy alot for most of the year, why is it so "obvious" to you that he doesn't want to be your? Uhm? Did you call him out? Swing and shout? Duck and pout? What? Okay, so he was "curt, short and acted like he couldn't get away from me fast enough" last time you saw him. And you assumed you knew why? What if you were, gulp, wrong? No, this is not a game of day is night and up is down, though you really don't know what you don't know until you ask. In this case, the no big deal seems like it was a big enough deal that you asked the question here. So what's up with that? Uhm?

You mentioned, "I know I shouldn't care." I don't think that's true. We can't help how we feel, only what we do about those feelings.

It always hurts to lose a friend. Sometimes it's more painful losing a friend than a lover, because there are a million reasons why a romantic liason might not work out. Friendships should be easer...or so we think.

I know it's hard, but it sounds like it is time to move on.

Dysmonia

First of all, you haven’t lived life until you’ve had your heart broken or broken someone else’s (sad, I know). But it’s always hard transitioning from the “friends only” stage into the unpredictable world of “dating” . . . with that said, I’d cut the guy some slack. Believe it or not, most guys are pretty vulnerable too. He’s probably a tad unsure of how to handle things with you since the whole “dating” thing didn’t pan out to his advantage. He may just be a bit on edge and need some time (and space) to deal. And no matter how bad the urge, don’t force the emails/texts/phone calls/etc. down his throat because when he’s good and ready, he’ll come around. Remember, half the fun is the thrill of the chase.

Get over him. If he doesn't want to be your friend then I say screw him. He's not worth the time. There are plenty of other people that appreciate your company. Move one, and quite whining about it.

If I had a dollar for every guy I slept with who scampered off in the night, only to treat me like I could infect him with scabies through conversation, I'd be...well, $20 shy of an iPod.

I think the issue here is that this fella believes like most men. "If I have sex with her and then treat her like a human being, I'll be married in two weeks." I can completely understand your feelings of sadness as we're groomed to believe our vagina's are somehow connected to our self-worth. If you're feeling down because you gave him a heapin helpin of Mary, with little appreciation, don't be. You're no less of a person and consider yourself lucky to have weeded out one more from prick from between your legs...I mean your life.

I know it doesn't take the sting away, but throw a Band-Aid over that paper cut and seek out the next ding dong. Eventually, you'll find one you don't have to expend so much energy on; they'll just be there because they want to be.

Time is the only thing that will heal that headache, girl. Some dudes simply refuse to coexist. Sure, they'll be whoever you want them to be when you're the next conquest...get out there and play their game. Not everything has to have meaning. He may have been sent into your world as a learning experience and nothing more. Real guy friends don't just split because they "hit." Hell, as I write this, you're probably over it...if not, you're letting him win.

It's okay to feel sad about him ending a friendship. You've already broken up a relationship, now you must break up a friendship. Take some time to be sad, then move on. Go out with other friends who make you feel good about yourself and appreciate your friendship.

looks like you stepped into a field of marshmallows after they get roasted! you fell in love with the wrong guy, go get another one! when this one sees you getting around awith other males, he will want to be your friend again, until then, go roast some!

Dear befriended,
I don’t care what they say. Sex changes everything! If you’re friends stay friends if you’re lovers ride it till the wheels fall of, which with any luck could be forever. Mixing the two rarely works.

At this point give yourself the space to mourn the loss, and then, just, well move on darlin’. But don’t forget to learn the lesson that comes from mingling two things that don’t work too well together. If you have a good friend of the opposite gender realize that if you bark up the tree of romance, there’s a good chance you’ll lose the whole relationship down the road. Next time proceed with caution and the wisdom you gained from this experience.

Yes, I had a best friend (a girl, and not romantic at all) turn into an ex-friend and it hurt like the devil. Years later and her defection still stings.
Your ex-bestie/ex-romantic fling has as they say deep down in Texas "shown his rear." Meaning he's shown that his character is lacking in substance, depth, and moral fiber. Obviously, he doesn't have the class, grace, or maturity to segue from friendship into romance and back into friendship. Granted it takes a really cool, confident person to handle those stomach-twirling transitions, but the fact that he turned surly shows his personality deficits. He could have been a lot more genteel and compassionate about the whole thing.
You sound like a wonderful person or as they (they being mainly my mother-in-law) would say in Texas, you sound like a "real sweet little gal."
I hope your hurt heart heals soon and that you find new, wonderful friends, romantic and non, to light up your future.

Hey there!

About your question... I guess pretty much everyone has gone through that- I know I certainly have, and it was really difficult for me as well.

I want to say that I think you're amazing for handling it as gracefully as you have! Kudos to you :]

I think what makes you sad could be two reasons... One is that you actually spent time getting to know this person, and you kind of gave a part of you, shared a part of you with him, and it's very disappointing to lose all of it so suddenly. It's very hard to lose a good friend, and there's nothing wrong with feeling sad about it. Another reason is that you can't help but think what might have been if things hadn't ended the way they did.

I know I still think about the friends I had that I don't have today, and sometimes I feel deeply discontent about it... but I try to remember the good times and to let the past remain what it is.

Anyways, you seem like a bright and cheerful person who many people adore, and you will form new and better relationships with people. Just keep on smiling :)

As Sally Fields said when accepting an Academy Award: "You like me! You really like me!"

Girlfriend, you said it yourself: EVERYONE likes me...

And that knowledge makes it more difficult to accept the fact that your former Knight on a White Horse fell off his horse (and left you with the, ahem, horse's ca-ca).

Dollface, you deserve better. You're clearly a very sweet, gentle person. His loss, your gain (cuz who wants a dude who shines brightly one day, then shines you off the next!).

Now go forth, treat yourself to a massage and/or pedicure, and enjoy a Girls night out!

Here’s the least uplifting saying I could possibly share with you - “You win some, you lose some.” I know. It’s a contrite, soulless phrase that leaves me at a loss for more maudlin comforts too, like six year-old episodes of “Felicity” and book-length collections of archaically candid ‘90s dating columns. “You win some, you lose some,” paints life as a never-ending mural of dismally toned tableaus. “You win some, you lose some” is random and cruel. It subtracts what wee inkling of humanity one might derive from the ho-humness of everyday existence.

But, friend, if I may (I’ve been hankering to call you one since finishing your letter), the idiotic-sounding idiom still has its merits. Or at least, this one: truth. Some of us possess a talent for letting the last word be the last word, but more of us prefer to drift to sleep to the pleasant drone of our objects’ sweet nothings. Sadly, it’s been five-plus months and your lover-friend has simply stopped talking, and while I don’t recommend you get used to the silence, I do hope you become accustomed to the peace, that lovely nothingness sure to accompany your heretofore under-relished independence.

I say, leave Terse E-mail Boy on a metaphorical past-loves shelf, and look forward to where the noise might come next. It will get louder – and possibly more melodic thanks to your now more finely tuned ear – soon enough.

It happens to the best of us, Masked Kitty. We have all shared our Kibble with the guys who least deserve it. The Universe has decreed that you will not be bff’s and She may not have consulted you on that. That might make you sad, but no use prolonging the agony. You have mourned Terse Man long enough. He’s told you all you need to know. Another moment wasted on this toad is a moment of joy YOU choose to give up. So knock it off! Find a new, more deserving hottie to connect with so when you run into TM, it will actually be “nice when that happens.” In the meantime, curl up with an Unmasked Kitty.

mm. . .The fact that, as you say, everybody wants to be your friend leads me to suggest that perhaps this is more a case of wanting what you can't have than disappointment over the loss of a profoud friendship. If this guy isn't compelling as boyfriend material, what makes him so great as a buddy? Besides, the whole platonic male-female scene is at best overrated and at worst a slippery slope. I say call your female BFF, invite her over for pizza, wings and Haagen Daaz, and trash talk him over repeated viewings of "Dirty Dancing." While Baby may have been left in the corner, there are at least nine rounds left. But, please. . .not with the 2008 equivalent of Robby the Player Waiter. To paraphrase Patrick Swayze, he's just not worth it!

You've described a fairly common friendship/dating scenario. It's very hard for many people to switch back and forth between friendship, romance and back to long-term friendship. And yes, I've been in the situation you've
been in. Two things to keep in mind as you head back into the dating game:

(1)You can't let any one guy define you or your basic worth and (2) This guy probably just feels painfully awkward around you and would rather put the entire relationship behind him than try to sort out his feelings about you. He's probably confused and wants to move on to a simpler relationship. Dust yourself off emotionally and head out to the next party!

He wasn't your friend to begin with he was on the prowl you were a easy target, he got what he wanted you lost what you thought you needed. next time don't sleep with men who say they only want to be your friend. keep your head up kidd.

It’s certainly not surprising you’re upset. Losing someone we were close to usually comes with its fair share of grief and sadness.

I hope you can appreciate the good times you shared and be glad that he showed his true colors before you got in any deeper.

My hope is that your sadness will soon turn to appreciation that he may have actually did you a favor.

He may have seemed nice before, and perhaps he was, but I suspect that the bad behavior that he bestowed upon you is not new in his relationships and it’s also not any way to treat a friend. You deserve so much more! Best of luck!

WOW...... It appears that everyone in the world has the cure-all advice. That's the problem in this backwards world of self-righteousness. So eager to give, or should I say regurgetate ones fanciful notion that Mary will viscerally be enlightened by your words of experience and step into her new reality unscathed and floating......

The ear is a long forgotten apparatus. The tongue is vile and wicked, seeking only to enslave the mouth in which it resides. Stop talking for talking sake. Close your mouths and open your ears. your hearts. your minds.

You're not going to save Mary or pave her road of troubles in spongy delight. Not at all. That's the quintessential essence of life. The ability of a human as an isolated being to evolve in God's gracious gradatum through the turbulence, trials and transgressions that are purposely placed to groom and prune the heart. Rejoice in your troubles. For the good that they bring blossoms for eternity.

Listen to your own spirit.... Let your own heart and mind be opened and fulfilled by thoroughly embracing the light and dark of you. No one can learn you anything.... It is you.. It is me.. It is the collective conscienceness that is and always will be...

Proverbs 17:27; A wise man will be of few words: A fool may gain the reputation of being wise if he have but wit enough to hold his tongue. He that hath knowledge spareth his words: and a man of understanding is of an excellent spirit. 28 Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding.

WOW...... It appears that everyone in the world has the cure-all advice. That's the problem in this backwards world of self-righteousness. So eager to give, or should I say regurgetate ones fanciful notion that Mary will viscerally be enlightened by your words of experience and step into her new reality unscathed and floating......

The ear is a long forgotten apparatus. The tongue is vile and wicked, seeking only to enslave the mouth in which it resides. Stop talking for talking sake. Close your mouths and open your ears. your hearts. your minds.

You're not going to save Mary or pave her road of troubles in spongy delight. Not at all. That's the quintessential essence of life. The ability of a human as an isolated being to evolve in God's gracious gradatum through the turbulence, trials and transgressions that are purposely placed to groom and prune the heart. Rejoice in your troubles. For the good that they bring blossoms for eternity.

Listen to your own spirit.... Let your own heart and mind be opened and fulfilled by thoroughly embracing the light and dark of you. No one can learn you anything.... It is you.. It is me.. It is the collective conscienceness that is and always will be...

Proverbs 17:27; A wise man will be of few words: A fool may gain the reputation of being wise if he have but wit enough to hold his tongue. He that hath knowledge spareth his words: and a man of understanding is of an excellent spirit. 28 Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding.

daisy....

I love your imagery.....

"looks like you stepped into a field of marshmallows"

with combat boots not fully laced.....

Yes…..and yes it can be quite sad. But to be quite honest, I don’t want to be friends with anyone that doesn’t want to be friends with me. If they don’t want to be your friend anymore and you did nothing wrong, they weren’t a true friend anyways.

It’ll take some time to get over, as it always does, but the best advice is to move on. Be happy!!! Life’s too short to be sad, and believe me, you have so many friends out in the world that you haven’t even met yet. What are you waiting for? Go have fun!

Dear Mary,

It strikes me as odd that you wrote “LOL” right after you mentioned your sadness. Then again, I always detect a note of hysteria in conversational acronyms. Maybe I’m reading too much into it.

That said, I know just what you mean: you’re baffled by your sadness because you know full well that you’re awesome and he’s not. I was recently caught up in a similar bestie-cum-beastie situation (forgive the pun) and it hurt like the devil even though I knew he was awful. My head knew he wasn’t worth mourning, but my heart felt irrationally sad.

The thing is, we humans aren’t rational creatures (which also explains why our exes are being such d-bags.) We are frivolous and fickle, and those traits bring out both the best and worst in us. So I say embrace your irrationality, look it right in its crazy eye, and for heaven’s sake, let yourself feel inexplicably crummy without all this self-conscious laughing out loud.

First and foremost, don’t beat yourself up trying to figure out why this guy flipped the switch on his feelings for you. Men tend to complain that women are “indecisive” and don’t know what they want; the irony is that men are more whimsical and flighty than any woman you’ve ever encountered. One second they run hot, the next cold. They just want to be friends- then they become jealous of a new guy you’re seeing. They give you their phone number, but then they’re filing a restraining order … or does that just happen to me? Anyhow, the point- and yes, there is one- is that there may be a ridiculous amount of reasons, most of which are probably silly and trite, that he’s chosen to become distant. You dated five months; you weren’t talking about marriage and babies, let him have his space and in the mean time, forget that you wasted your time on him.

It’s safe to say that by the time you’ve hit your twenties, everyone has had a friendship that has ended unfavorably. No matter what the reasons and no matter how close you were, it’s always hurtful. Now, whether it hurts your feelings or your ego is an entirely different matter, but the only thing you can do is remember the good times you had and let the person go. There’s no use forcing a friendship. Once maintaining the relationship becomes an obligation, the friendship is well on its way to being over anyhow.

Have you every read the book, "He's just not that into you"! Sorry to be blunt here, but as the saying goes, this is exactly what it is..... This guy was obviously ummming and arrrring about the relationship, do I want to be with her or not? It seems he came to the conclusion that he doesn't. Don't waste your time any longer on this confused guy, there are plenty more gorgeous guys in the sea. You see when it comes to men; there are no mixed signals.... Men don't want to be friends with women they used to date, unless - a) they think they can still sleep with them on a casual basis or b) well there really is no "b", it's pretty much as simple as that!!!!
So it's time to dust off that little black dress and get back out there!!!

LOL? No LOL!! This is sad, because this Dude sounds like a nice guy. No one wants to lose a Nice Guy, of any capacity. Who knows what's presently in the meow mix of his emotional table, but he's got to go and he's telling you so. Save face, gain grace and let him go. Curl up with a bowl of the satisfaction gained from a relationship that hasn't ended in accidental insults, thrown food and owed mortgage payments. They're so rare. You guys may be on some sort of girl/guy time continuum that only aliens, Proust and Susan Sarandon have experienced. He may call you up in six months with an excuse - "I need new shoes for my family reunion in Charleston - can you help?" and you'll be back in that familiar place all over again. If not, oh well, you know? But for now, don't LOL this away - what you're losing is face and a friend. That's real, sistergurl, real. And you're a lucky sistergurl in my book. ~ Much love, Firesocks

Sad’s not the word! I was DEVASTATED! That sounds so silly; to be “devastated” by the mere fact that someone didn’t like me, but deep down inside all of us is the basic desire to be loved. Plain and simple. I’m a pleaser and want to be liked by everyone, but have learned that everyone won’t like me. That’s a hard pill to swallow, but it is what it is. The trick is to be patient enough, persistent enough and persnickety enough to dig your heels in and wait for the right guy. Hmmm… That’s hard to do when you’re alone again on a Saturday night, watching a dreadful rerun of some cable show. BUT, let me tell you it’s worth it! You deserve to be adored, cherished and desired by the guy that wants to be with you! BTW: You are far too busy to have time to text or email him, aren’t you? ;>) Thought so.

You had a "romantic" relationship...sex does not translate to being friends easily, if rarely. You aren't going to be the exception, the Urban Legend. Move on Mary! Don't fear the unknown...the next new guy can be around the corner if you are ready to get back out there! Next time just make the decision to choose a friend or a lover.

I hear that. It's a terrible feeling seeking out someones approval and failing. It's even worse when in the end they're not even that great....What does Bestie-cum beastie mean?

Changing a relationship, especially reverting to a previous type of relationship, is always difficult. Do you ignore that you ever dated this guy? How do you act when you two are alone?

Friends nurture each other in different, long-lasting ways... that's why even when the best of our friends get under our skins, we still love them! We grow differently with the people we date, since it's just as much about figuring ourselves out as figuring them out. When the two intersect it can be great, or a recipe for disaster.

In this case, it seems like you both were trying to "take the sauce out of the spaghetti," so to speak, instead of working together to make something new. He's vulnerable because his attraction to you (and therefor his ego) was denied, and you're hurt because you opened up to him as a friend and a significant other, and he's cut you off.

This doesn't mean it's over! It means you both need some space. He might construe polite emails as shallow, so if you want to still be friends, I suggest talking about what you two want from each other, and stop ignoring that you two dated. If that's not what you want or what he wants, though it is a sad thing to do, it's time to buck up and move on.

Well, there are billions of people in the world to pick from to be your friend. Do you really want to spend more energy on the one who doesn't want to be yours? I know its human nature to try and understand "WHY this is happening?" and "HOW could he not like me?" It doesn't really matter- whether it just honestly pains him to be in your presence since the breakup or he really just has moved on. You dear girl deserve to be and feel happy and surround yourself with people who encourage it. Yes it is sad and yes the more someone pulls away the magnetic pull within goes crazy but c'est la vie.
That is to be human. So honor your feelings and after like a week, honor yourself and hangout with your real friends.

Hi Mary,

First of all, I applaud you both for making the effort to maintain a friendship after your romantic relationship did not work out. Making that transition from a platonic relationship, to a 'more-than-friends' relationship, and then back again is certainly tricky territory.

So, with that in mind, the first thing that jumps out at me when I read your post is that you are both trying to carefully maneuver around some very delicate feelings. In this situation, it is easy to understand why it might be difficult for both of you to express yourselves directly. However, clear communication is extremely important in all types of relationships.

I would venture to guess that between friends and romantic partners, the majority of hurt feelings probably come about as a result of miscommunication. In your case, your friend's behavior is making you feel insecure about his desire to continue to be your friend. Have you voiced this concern to him?

It is entirely possible that he is simply distracted by something else that is going on in his life. If this is the case, I am sure that he would appreciate it if you, as his friend, let him know that you've noticed his acting aloof and inquire as to whether everything is okay. Even if it turns out that he has, in fact, been trying to blow you off, you will probably feel better if you hear this from him directly.

Of course, if you read this and think to yourself that you really don't care, frankly, what the true reasons for his actions may be, then I'd say you probably aren't really interested in being his friend anyway. If this is the case, it certainly doesn't make sense for you to continue to pursue this person and I would advise you to simply move on.

I must admit that in my own experience, I have usually failed to hold onto friendships that blossomed into more and then did not work out romantically. (I do have friends who have been successful at this seemingly impossible task, though, so do not despair - there is hope for the rest of us!) It absolutely makes me sad when I think about the loss of those relationships. The only consolation I have is the knowledge that I was completely honest in expressing my feelings in those circumstances and did my best to understand the other person's attempts to do the same. Honest communication won't always lead to happy endings, but I believe it is usually the best we can do to respectfully deal with those we care about.

Good luck!

Your friend is probably embarrassed that your relationship didn't work out, and most likely still has feelings for you. It's possible he is staying away from you because he's still got feelings for you and does not want to be around you because it brings back the feelings he's got. Conversely, maybe he's just not interested anymore. It's virtually impossible to be “just friends” with someone you were romantically linked with, as old feelings and issues will almost always resurface. Give him time, it's entirely possible he'll come back. If not, forget him. You don't need that nonsense. I rarely stay friends with exes. Often, it's a mutual agreement that neither of us wants anything to do with the other anymore. If anything, the situation should make it easier for you to move on and find some new friends or a sweet, new boyfriend.

It's really only natural to care about people you were once close to and the grieving process is absolutely applicable here. You are mourning the loss of a relationship. I think you know that it's time to let it go, to let him go, because you don't want to become an annoyance, but you are also allowed some closure.

I recommend writing him a letter or an e-mail (and you may want to discard the first few drafts!) with your honest feelings on the situation; explain that his terseness hurts you and that you believed he was a great friend. Ultimately allow him the choice to contact you or not, explain that if you did something wrong you would love to know what so you may apologize, and then leave the ball in his court.

Be sad for a while. It's okay! And then, when you're done being sad, carry on.

Please excuse me while I pinch myself. OK. Just checking to make sure I wasn't having a case of déjà vu, because I was you a year ago. Seriously. I, too, started "casually" dating a guy friend, who ended up not wanting to be with me or be my friend anymore after he decided he'd rather date his ex-girlfriend...FROM HIGH SCHOOL! (Sorry, had to get that out of my system.) Anyway, it's tough when losing a guy you really like(d), even more so when it's a guy you were friends with first. And the whole avoidance thing and brusque responses doesn't make it any better. But I got over it, and I know you will, too. So don't even bother trying to get a hold of him again. He's a loser. Really. Because if he was really worth your time, he would've been straightforward with you instead of acting the way he has. I commend you for your positive attitude; it's contagious. (Heck, I want to be your friend!) In fact, I think you should take that mind-set, get all dressed up and gorgeous, and have a night out with your closest girlfriends to celebrate your fabulousness. Who knows? You might find a great guy who sees what you already see in yourself!

1. News flash Vixens – men do not want to be friends with us. The only men who want to be friends with a woman are either gay or married to the “friend.”

Mary, you said that you started out as friends, then dated, and then agreed to return to a friendship that he is now snubbing. Look at the pattern. He’s your friend, but obviously he (or maybe you) wanted it to be something else, that is why it led to something else. It didn’t work and he played along at the friendship thing but lets face it, how does he explain his friendship with you to a new girlfriend?

I never used to believe that men and women couldn’t be friends, but with age I have come to realize it is true. The male species is very jealous and possessive as are we Vixens – none of us are going to stand for our men being “best friends” with another woman, any more than they are going to stand for us chumming around with another guy. I suggest you turn your energies to finding a best friend you can marry.

Chances were the friendship might never have just been a friendship to him, but rather, a means to a relationship with you. His intentions were most likely never platonic, which means that now that the relationship is over, he doesn't even feel there is a friendship to go back to. Try not to look at it as a friend lost, but rather as a boyfriend lost...

Heya!

There's no shame in feeling sad when someone that you put effort into caring for ditches you like a hot potato. I had something similar happen to me: I had been seeing this guy for a while, he slept in my bed almost every night, he called me over to his house for late night encounters, and we were pretty happy with what we had. Then one day he starts sleeping on the couch and pushes me away when I tried to wake him so he could come to bed. The next day, he brought his girlfriend to my house to show her off to his friends (my roommates). I balled for hours but then I got over it. I can only imagine what 5 months must feel like, so I think I understand a sliver of your pain.

Try to channel that pain into something that you'll be proud of later - poetry, art, exercise, dedication to your work, ANYTHING that gets your gears turning in another direction! You've already taken the higher road by admitting that you'll be kind if you see him next, and that tells me right there that you're a great person who is undeserving of such snide treatment. I don't want to sound like a cliche but there will be someone, friend or otherwise, that will treat you like the beautiful human you deserve to be recognized as!

Best of luck, and keep your chin up!

Will you get over it?

Well, it depends. If you were friends for a long time, then it could quite possibly take a long time to get over him. I went through a somewhat similar situation, except in a strictly platonic relationship with a friend that was a girl. (IE- I wrote a blog in response to something I discovered she said about me and somehow she found out, or I assume she did since she never wanted to talk to me again.)

So, as I was saying, it could take a long time to get over him, but if you find things to distract yourself, namely focusing on and valuing the relationships you do have, you'll be able to move on easier and quicker.

You could spend all your time studying the intricacies of the relationship and trying to figure out where things fell apart, etcetera (us girls are famous for this), or you can just flat out ask, "Hey what happened to us, we use to be friends?" The great thing about email is you can ask/say uncomfortable things to people you would never muster up the courage to do in person. I think he owes you an explanation. If he doesn't respond or doesn't want to give you one, than he's not being a very big person at all. Do you want to be friends with someone who can't tell you the truth? Furthermore, it seems that people who just break things off like this tend to assume victim status instead of owning up to the fact that it was a two-part situation - you did something and he did something. In this case, he blames you.

Either that, or he just can't handle being friends with someone he had intimate relations with, i.e.- not your problem, his. Lesson learned, never sleep with a friend.

Sorry hun,
You have ever right to feel the way you do. You are mourning a friendship that was important to you. Allow yourself to feel it and then move on. Sweeping it under the carpet is not the right thing to do. it will just come back to haunt you. I'm sorry for your loss, but you will get though it just fine. FEEL and then be RID of it. Writing and talking about it helps.

Hi doll,
Rejection is no fun. It stings like hot cup of coffee you dumped on your new dress. Leave him be. Men and women are not destined to be friends. He may also have a new lady and doesn't want to run the risk of another rendevous with your hot little self.

Ignoring a once-friend is guy speak for

"I like this other chick and I don't want you to eff it up by seeming like my girlfriend and/or because I still like you and that's why I was hanging out with you so often in the first place".

Maybe?

oh, hon, I've been friend-dumped and boy-dumped, and it always sucks when someone suddenly cuts you out of their life.
But you know what?
If they cut you out so quickly, maybe they weren't the right person to have around anyway.
I used to feel so horrible...'what am I doing wrong?'
Turned out I wasn't doing anything wrong. Neither are you. Anyone who would cut you off that abruptly isn't someone who you really truly want around, anyway.
It really hurts, I know.
But, trust me, you WILL find more people who will be your friend no matter what goes down. It's one thing to love someone; it's another to unconditionally love someone.
:)

I agree. Friends take a lot of attention, but friends of the opposite sex? impossible. Everyone really wants sex and intimacy. Opposite sex friends are people you run into evry once in awhile. They're not your girlfriends!

Women and men CAN be friends. Saying women and men can't be friends gives me a bleak, sad outlook on life.

What about the guy friends that talk to you about their girlfriends? What about the guy friends who tell you stories about shitting and other things they probably wouldn't want to tell a love interest?

Now this is speaking from a woman's point of view, and I am not naive; I remember one time I was falling asleep next to my best (guy) friend who I genuinely am not attracted to, and he said "You know what is a good thing for friendships? Sexual tension."

... I pretended I was asleep already....


I suppose I may have contradicted myself here...

I'd like more input on male/female friendships.

Been in a smiliar situation.

Give him his space. He more than likely feels awkward. After some substantial time has passed, and if you find yourself still missing the friendship (and be honest with yourself on the JUST FRIENDSHIP part) reach out to him and let him know. Usually time is a great healer, and if you were truly friends before, you should be able to be friends again!

Anna Claire, welcome to Vixens! This post is from almost three years ago, so chances are the writer has solved their dilemma by now!

We'd love for you to give advice on current conundrums, however!