Ask E. Jean - Tormented? Driven Witless? Whipsawed by confusion?
Advice Vixens
First and foremost, this post makes me very happy, because it rare that you get verified proof that men can be as giddy and ready to jump the gun as ladies:).
I'm not a big wedding planner--I haven't dreamed of it since I was a little girl or anything-- and I'm not in a relationship. But I know exactly who would be in my wedding party.
And, also, I don't think it's soooo strange that he would ask you prior to popping the question to her, because he may want your help in planning how he pops the question--aside from the responsibilities at the actual time of the wedding, the best man is a go to for bouncing ideas around. Wanting you in on the process from the get go doesn't seem terribly weird.
And it also isn't necessarily strange that she would already be in on the conversations and whatnot. People frequently discuss marriage before they are officially engaged. My sister, for instance, knew for a full year that she was going to be engaged before her boyfriend popped the question. They discussed all kinds of things about the wedding before there was ever a ring on her finger. And in this way, the surprise will be "When will he make it official?" and not "Oh dear god, I hope she says yes so I don't have to go hang myself."
Now, as for discussing what exactly it is that he's asking you to do: If you think you can handle all of the duties that go with it (and want to) then say yes. He doesn't need to know what all he's asking you to do--you do. In fact, that's part of what you're there for. To take care of and know the things that he might not know. So after you say yes, then you can bring up anything you want to discuss about logistics or whatever.
But if you're going to say no because you don't think you can handle it, then you tell him, "you need someone who can do this this and this for you, and I just don't think I can living so far away." To which he'll either say "Oh we're not doing things that way" or he'll just pick somebody else. When my sister asked me to be maid of honor, she made it clear that she wouldn't be offended if I--her own sister--said no, since it is expensive to be in the wedding party and it's hard to do living far away. It's a privilege to be asked, but you do not have to say yes.
Now, as for when you bring this stuff up...well, you already said yes, so if you're sticking with that, then you can bring up anything you want whenever you want. The wheels are already in motion. If you're wanting to rethink whether you should be best man, bring it up sooner than later. Again, because the wheels are already in motion.
I'm not a big wedding planner--I haven't dreamed of it since I was a little girl or anything-- and I'm not in a relationship. But I know exactly who would be in my wedding party.
And, also, I don't think it's soooo strange that he would ask you prior to popping the question to her, because he may want your help in planning how he pops the question--aside from the responsibilities at the actual time of the wedding, the best man is a go to for bouncing ideas around. Wanting you in on the process from the get go doesn't seem terribly weird.
And it also isn't necessarily strange that she would already be in on the conversations and whatnot. People frequently discuss marriage before they are officially engaged. My sister, for instance, knew for a full year that she was going to be engaged before her boyfriend popped the question. They discussed all kinds of things about the wedding before there was ever a ring on her finger. And in this way, the surprise will be "When will he make it official?" and not "Oh dear god, I hope she says yes so I don't have to go hang myself."
Now, as for discussing what exactly it is that he's asking you to do: If you think you can handle all of the duties that go with it (and want to) then say yes. He doesn't need to know what all he's asking you to do--you do. In fact, that's part of what you're there for. To take care of and know the things that he might not know. So after you say yes, then you can bring up anything you want to discuss about logistics or whatever.
But if you're going to say no because you don't think you can handle it, then you tell him, "you need someone who can do this this and this for you, and I just don't think I can living so far away." To which he'll either say "Oh we're not doing things that way" or he'll just pick somebody else. When my sister asked me to be maid of honor, she made it clear that she wouldn't be offended if I--her own sister--said no, since it is expensive to be in the wedding party and it's hard to do living far away. It's a privilege to be asked, but you do not have to say yes.
Now, as for when you bring this stuff up...well, you already said yes, so if you're sticking with that, then you can bring up anything you want whenever you want. The wheels are already in motion. If you're wanting to rethink whether you should be best man, bring it up sooner than later. Again, because the wheels are already in motion.
reply to Samantha
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He just got a little ahead of himself and wanted to share the love he was feeling by asking you if and when the engagement occurs, if you'll support him.
All that's necessary is a yes (or no, if the case may be!!).
All that's necessary is a yes (or no, if the case may be!!).
reply to ehVwon
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I'm about a hundred and ten percent all for bein' the kid's go-to, whatever way I can -- I think I'd make a hell of a best man, not something I ever gave much consideration about until basically yesterday but since then, thinking about it, I'm thrilled to be given that kind of opportunity to be a good friend to a good friend. I'm glad I asked for the Vixen crowd's perspective -- it's not terribly strange, I suppose, the way it happened, I guess maybe it's just me lookin' at it as his pal for going on fifteen years.
The way it sounds, they've been talking about it for some time, which is exactly the way, in my opinion, it oughta be done, certainly as Samantha says, you don't want to be left hanging on the possibility of "no".
One thing that ran across my mind: his mother kinda hates me, I won't have to dance with her at the wedding, will I? Could get awkward. ;P
The way it sounds, they've been talking about it for some time, which is exactly the way, in my opinion, it oughta be done, certainly as Samantha says, you don't want to be left hanging on the possibility of "no".
One thing that ran across my mind: his mother kinda hates me, I won't have to dance with her at the wedding, will I? Could get awkward. ;P
reply to AJ
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AJ wrote: I'm about a hundred and ten percent all for bein' the kid's go-to, whatever way I can -- I think I'd make a hell of a best man, not something I ever gave much consideration about until basically yesterday but since then, thinking about it, I'm thrilled to be given that kind of opportunity to be a good friend to a good friend. I'm glad I asked for the Vixen crowd's perspective -- it's not terribly strange, I suppose, the way it happened, I guess maybe it's just me lookin' at it as his pal for going on fifteen years.
The way it sounds, they've been talking about it for some time, which is exactly the way, in my opinion, it oughta be done, certainly as Samantha says, you don't want to be left hanging on the possibility of "no".
One thing that ran across my mind: his mother kinda hates me, I won't have to dance with her at the wedding, will I? Could get awkward. ;P
reply to Carly
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Haha you left out that his mom hates you when you told me this story!
And no, you won't have to dance with her. You'll have to dance with the bride, but I think that's it for forced dancing opportunities! :-)
And no, you won't have to dance with her. You'll have to dance with the bride, but I think that's it for forced dancing opportunities! :-)
reply to Carly
send this answer to a friendCarly wrote: Haha you left out that his mom hates you when you told me this story!
And no, you won't have to dance with her. You'll have to dance with the bride, but I think that's it for forced dancing opportunities! :-)
reply to AJ
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You'll have to show me a couple of moves, you lead like nobody's business! ;)
reply to AJ
send this answer to a friendAJ wrote: You'll have to show me a couple of moves, you lead like nobody's business! ;)
reply to ehVwon
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Oh jeez, get a room you two!
reply to ehVwon
send this answer to a friendAJ wrote: You'll have to show me a couple of moves, you lead like nobody's business! ;)
reply to Carly
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Haha shut up! It was one time! I'm not a good dancer, I told you! Besides, I stopped as soon as you pointed out I was doing it!
reply to Carly
send this answer to a friendehVwon wrote: Oh jeez, get a room you two!
reply to Carly
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Haha you love it. :-)
reply to Carly
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"No, not yet. Maybe sometime this year. But it's going to happen." I tell him, in that case, not to worry about whether or not I'm gonna be there to assist him or anything, just concern himself about what he’s doing for now and to give me a buzz when he's actually got call for a best man and the answer would probably be the same as long as he still felt comfortable asking me and then I wouldn’t exactly feel weird agreeing to do something that isn’t actually a question yet. I congratulate him for... I don't really know what, since there's not really anything to congratulate him for, all I really got out of the conversation is that he’s wanting to propose to this lady, I told him best of luck doing what he's doing, and I hear him saying, "yeah, he said he would," to somebody -- apparently his hopefully-fiancée-to-be -- who was there with him.
Weird, I thought, but then again, I’ve never been asked to be anything like that for a wedding before, nor have I ever thought about the timing or the etiquette for extending that kind of privilege.
Am I misled in thinking people generally wait until the engagement is for sure (i.e., it’s happened) before they start picking out members of a wedding party? I don’t think so, I think buddy’s just overly excited, but I was also surprised that he’d ask me that question in front of his girlfriend – is that a normal approach, a couple tag-team, when asking somebody to be best man, maid of honor, whatever it is? I’m not especially close with his girlfriend, we’ve met a few times since they got together and she seems nice enough, but I still felt a little funny that she was in on that particular conversation.
I sort of get the feeling this kid doesn't really know what all goes into these roles. I used to work at a reception center in high school and I used to be an altar server for marriage ceremonies back when I was growing up, so I have an idea as to the responsibilities involved -- seating, keeping time, getting checks to the hired help, returning garments after the service, toasting, organizing the groomsmens' gift and pre-wedding celebrations, witnessing the certificate, y mas. I have no doubt I could manage these kinds of things a-okay, but, like I say, I don't really know if this guy is clear on everything involved.
Is this a conversation I should endeavor to have with him, or do I wait for him to come to me? Obviously I’m inclined to wait until he’s actually got a reason to ask me that kinda question again, and I’m keeping my mouth shut around mutual friends so as to not put any pressure on anybody to do anything. Do you think it wise that I talk to him before anything else happens, kinda give him the lay of the land as far as I can see it, make sure, given the fact that we don’t live in the same state and there’s a lot more about what’s being asked here than just making a speech involved, that I’m the person he wants to take on that responsibility?
I don't feel like he's put me in a spot, we've been pals since about second grade and we've kept pretty tight even living hundreds of miles apart for so long, and, as I say, I’m honored he’d ask me to be that for his wedding (haha which, as I say, is nowhere near fruition), but apart from the fact that the timing of his asking is strange and that I don’t think he knows everything that he’s asking, I guess the bottom-line question here is: who makes the first move bringing up these concerns: himself or myself? And, would you mention to him the oddity that is asking people to be members of a wedding party that has no wedding to attend in the near future?
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