He has to do SOMETHING. In my opinion, you are making WAY too many excuses for him. Three years is a LONG time.
He has to dig himself out of this hole, you can't do it for him. He has a responsibility to himself, to you, and to your marriage, to find a job to support your partnership. That you have shouldered 100% of the responsibility for three years because you are worried it'll cause a fight is codependent.
The man HAS to get a job.
He has to dig himself out of this hole, you can't do it for him. He has a responsibility to himself, to you, and to your marriage, to find a job to support your partnership. That you have shouldered 100% of the responsibility for three years because you are worried it'll cause a fight is codependent.
The man HAS to get a job.
reply to AV1
send this answer to a friendHeck, have a talk with him about doing something that might be not as lucrative, but something he might really like. Does he like Apple products, Legos, or golf? He could work at an Apple or Lego store, or be a groundskeeper at a golf course. Why not find something fun that he can enjoy while he has the time to look due to your good fortune?
reply to Sherlyn
send this answer to a friendThis guy is living on your dime and won't feel the need to look for a job because it's just convenient that way for him. You will carry him like a cross your whole existence and you simply have your whole life ahead of you hearing his excuses and jobs that just doesn't suit him. I wouldn't buy groceries and supplies and see how he would treat me if I'd stop being his supply house!
reply to satirmodes
send this answer to a friend
Is he taking care of the house? Does he cook and clean and do all of the laundry and shopping? If you had children would he be a responsible and involved parent?
You've taken on the traditional man's role in this marriage as far as money. If he's doing the woman's job, you really have no right to complain. We'd all beat the crap out of any man who suggested that a happy, full-time housewife go out and get "real" work.
If, on the other hand, you're fulfilling both roles -- been there, done it, know it sucks -- then you have a right to insist that he start holding up his end of the partnership.
Sit him down and talk to him about what he wants to do. Don't let him talk about what he *doesn't* want to do. Figure out what kind of job would get him excited and then come up with a plan -- in writing -- to make it happen.
You've taken on the traditional man's role in this marriage as far as money. If he's doing the woman's job, you really have no right to complain. We'd all beat the crap out of any man who suggested that a happy, full-time housewife go out and get "real" work.
If, on the other hand, you're fulfilling both roles -- been there, done it, know it sucks -- then you have a right to insist that he start holding up his end of the partnership.
Sit him down and talk to him about what he wants to do. Don't let him talk about what he *doesn't* want to do. Figure out what kind of job would get him excited and then come up with a plan -- in writing -- to make it happen.
reply to Robynne
send this answer to a friendIf, for practical reasons, you need two incomes then he should try to do something.
It may not make any sense to take a really low paying, go nowhere job but what is it he used to do? Are there any jobs in that field that he could pursue even if it is not exactly the same job? Has he talked with a career counselor?
Otherwise, school certainly is an option especially if he wants to do something new or even if he wants to enhance his marketability in his old career. Things change in many fields and there are always ways to make your resume packet more attractive with an advanced degree, additional certification, a second language, etc.
The age old problem of the woman being the breadwinner who also wants children can be difficult. It is certainly possible to work, be pregnant, have the baby and go back to work while he stays home and takes care of the house and the kids as long as you have an uneventful pregnancy and a job that you don't fear losing if you need time off.
If you are at any risk for losing your job then that is where the difficulty comes in.
Sit down with your husband and discuss anything and everything that either of you may want in terms of a house or a family or if you might want to take some time off from work to pursue more education or whatever applies. Then discuss the practical arrangements as far as the money needed to turn these into reality as a way to figure out what you both need to do to get there.
It may not make any sense to take a really low paying, go nowhere job but what is it he used to do? Are there any jobs in that field that he could pursue even if it is not exactly the same job? Has he talked with a career counselor?
Otherwise, school certainly is an option especially if he wants to do something new or even if he wants to enhance his marketability in his old career. Things change in many fields and there are always ways to make your resume packet more attractive with an advanced degree, additional certification, a second language, etc.
The age old problem of the woman being the breadwinner who also wants children can be difficult. It is certainly possible to work, be pregnant, have the baby and go back to work while he stays home and takes care of the house and the kids as long as you have an uneventful pregnancy and a job that you don't fear losing if you need time off.
If you are at any risk for losing your job then that is where the difficulty comes in.
Sit down with your husband and discuss anything and everything that either of you may want in terms of a house or a family or if you might want to take some time off from work to pursue more education or whatever applies. Then discuss the practical arrangements as far as the money needed to turn these into reality as a way to figure out what you both need to do to get there.
reply to Josephine
send this answer to a friendYou say you want children, but does he? Is he maybe passively-aggressively not looking for work, so that your income stays low, so that the idea of kids never comes up?
And if you two have a fight, he moves to another STATE? He must be really terrible at confrontation!
Listen to the vixens above, and try to get to the bottom of his behavior. It will be hard work, but it will be even harder for you if you don't!
And if you two have a fight, he moves to another STATE? He must be really terrible at confrontation!
Listen to the vixens above, and try to get to the bottom of his behavior. It will be hard work, but it will be even harder for you if you don't!
reply to Ashley
send this answer to a friendKudos to you for being brave enough to move for a good job, and kudos to your husband for supporting you.
I can't imagine how stressful it must be to be the sole breadwinner when you envisioned a dual-income household.
Now does your husband share these goals with you? Are these things you both want to work towards? Have you discussed what you both want long term?
If you both want children, it's not necessarily a bad thing for him to stay home with the kids when it's time. Childcare costs a mint.
But in the meantime if you saving up money helps accomplish your goals, there's nothing wrong with him taking lower-paying job. Perhaps even something related to a hobby so it's pleasant. Or going back to school to open more doors. But if he doesn't want to do anything anymore, that's a different problem.
It sounds like you both need to sit down and as Josephine said, talk about your goals together and how you can work with what you've got to get there. Approach it that way, by asking what he wants to do with his time and where he wants to be in 5, 10 years, and what you want. Then see how you can work as a team to make it happen. Start there.
I can't imagine how stressful it must be to be the sole breadwinner when you envisioned a dual-income household.
Now does your husband share these goals with you? Are these things you both want to work towards? Have you discussed what you both want long term?
If you both want children, it's not necessarily a bad thing for him to stay home with the kids when it's time. Childcare costs a mint.
But in the meantime if you saving up money helps accomplish your goals, there's nothing wrong with him taking lower-paying job. Perhaps even something related to a hobby so it's pleasant. Or going back to school to open more doors. But if he doesn't want to do anything anymore, that's a different problem.
It sounds like you both need to sit down and as Josephine said, talk about your goals together and how you can work with what you've got to get there. Approach it that way, by asking what he wants to do with his time and where he wants to be in 5, 10 years, and what you want. Then see how you can work as a team to make it happen. Start there.
reply to honey
send this answer to a friendHe has to get a job. Any job. As long as its paid and gets him out.
reply to Cass
send this answer to a friendI don't think the problem is that he doesn't have a job. The problem is that you're deathly afraid of having a conversation about it, lest you have an argument that ultimately moves you to another state.
I have to admit, sometimes my suggestions for couple's counseling are a little bit obligatory. It's not that I say it and don't mean it...it's more like I throw it in as a reminder that, hey this option exists if all else fails. But I'm a big fan of getting in their and trying to fix something yourself first.
However, in your case, if you've had a concern for three years that you haven't given voice to--it sounds like you are not only afraid of talking to your husband, but you may not even know how to talk to your husband. In which case, I think a good couple's therapist can not only guide the discussion, but ease any fright you might have about talking--and teach you HOW to talk.
So go to one. Once you get talking, and talking effectively with each other, you'll figure out the best answer for the two of you.
I have to admit, sometimes my suggestions for couple's counseling are a little bit obligatory. It's not that I say it and don't mean it...it's more like I throw it in as a reminder that, hey this option exists if all else fails. But I'm a big fan of getting in their and trying to fix something yourself first.
However, in your case, if you've had a concern for three years that you haven't given voice to--it sounds like you are not only afraid of talking to your husband, but you may not even know how to talk to your husband. In which case, I think a good couple's therapist can not only guide the discussion, but ease any fright you might have about talking--and teach you HOW to talk.
So go to one. Once you get talking, and talking effectively with each other, you'll figure out the best answer for the two of you.
reply to Samantha
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Three years ago my husband and I moved to another state where I got a good job. He had to leave his job to move with me and was not able to find a new one ever since.
I am happy that I am working on my career but unhappy that he has been out of job for over three years now. My salary is not bad but being the only working person makes it hard, and I want to have children but scared to be the only working parent.
The fact that I am the only working person makes me uncomfortable and crashes my life plans. I am the happiest person, in love with my husband, when I do not think about our financial situation.
The most logical answer to my question would be to ask him to get a job. I tried, but he really does not have any job he could take. What he can do is not in demand right now in this state due to the poor economy.
I could insist on him taking some extremely low paid jobs but I am not sure if it's worth it. In the end, he would not bring that much money in and mainly that kind of a job will make him even more miserable.
I do want to change his life for better but I do not know how. School is out of question for him. He has no idea what degree to pursue. I suggested he get a business degree but he does not see what he could do with that. He just does not see himself working at the jobs that will become available after school.
Should I let things go as they are and force myself to stop worrying about money and loosen up about achieving my life goals?
Or should I make my husband change his situation? I am scared for our relationship. It's going to cause a fight and probably cause him to move to another state. Then I will have to move with him, take a lower paid job if I find one, and put my career on hold.
What should I do?
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