And, okay, why is it that I always like one person..no am undeniably attracted to one person, sometimes dont even realize how much, and then persue the one that is so much less sincere? (The sometimes way hotter one).

Or find every reason available to call him (the one I am and can't stop being attracted to) imperfect? when, what am I? the Perfection Guru?

I know I try to calculate in my head a plausible reason why I could not possibly make it with this person...For instance he wants kids...I...don't...yet. I mean, thats a big problem isn't it? Especially if I cannot imagine myself with ANYONE else, right?

But more than anything, why does he act like he's secretly trying to scope me out? Why do i catch him staring at me out of his rearview mirror whenever he is about to leave? And i mean like...really staring. Why do I feel perfectly prepared to show no emotion, glance at him, and then feel chills rushing all throughout my body, and perpetually have to shudder right there?

Why does he look so serious but act so incredibly nice whenever he sees me. Thats the WORST PART! He acts perfect! How am I supposed to handle that? One minute we're trying not to stare at eachother and the next we're shaking hands in front of everyone and you're dazzling me. I mean...he is.

I guess I feel like I should be saying this to him, but you know what, that would completely cheese up anything we both know we feel. It puts balls in courts in an unattractive way seeing as how at this ealry stage we are two moving forces, total mysteries, totally drawn to eachother, these words never spoken.

The emotion is so strong communicating them in this way would be a threat....to everything. The other problem is: I can't let you know that (that you're dazzling I mean). Unfortunately that's not how I am made. I am trying to change that. I go home, I walk away, and I have air suspended in my chest that I haven't released during the moment I was in your presence.

I go home and I feel like...if I could only go back..I'd have shown more...I'd have been less of a complete coward. I struggle with trying not to feel inadequate under your gaze, but you're no god yourself. It's just I've placed you in this bubble and i can't get you out of there.

You are totally in my Ideal Man that I Actually Know bubble, and that intimidates the f*** out of me.

I know all I do is accidentally intimidate you too, but that's only because I can't be myself when you're there because myself thinks it loves you, and if that might show, then I'm in danger of getting the shit kicked out of me by a single look or a single reply.

So this is me right now. It's funny how when you see someone for the first time, and you know, Oh God. And from there he's beautiful, he's the only one in a sea of people, he's the only face in a sea of smiling, ignorant faces. Whoever he talks to you are secretly jealous of, and that just makes you sick with yourself, because hello you've got people to talk to!

But suddenly they are less signifacant and you wish that wans't so, because you are really craving human contact and human admiration, but only from one person. And when it comes from other people when that certain someone is in the room, that's just not fair. I am so consumed. Sometimes I don't want to be. That brake where I didn't see you for 2 weeks, that was amazing. the first week was a bit hard, but then it was like butter. I was back to me and I thought about you at least 77% less. I was thrilled.

But now I'm back and I am more retarted than ever. I mean, if you actually got to talk to me for more than 15 seconds at a time then I think my number one fear is that you would find me completely incapable of constructing whole sentences without having to start over and cover it up laughing.

In a sense I hate being in love (with you), because firstly i don't even know if I am committed enough to the idea of you to ever break past this barrier I have built that you can see only too well...I think if I...jump...I'm out there. And if you don't like what you see...if I don't like what I see about me...then you'll have that finalized opinion of me...and that would hurt, cuase then dammit i messed it up!

I messed it up!! So what am I doing?? waiting around trying to perfect myself for you? Ha! I wonder what occupies your mind...if it's me...sigh...I can't get you out of my head. I've assigned you to the bubble...usually vacated...but now it looks like you're never gonna leave. Shit that drives me crazy. Everything else in my life is mandatory, an excuse to look busy, while I think about you, while I analyze the literal nothingness we are. Actually-- I know you are waiting on me. you've tried a lot, so I can't label you as the coward.

I always end up breaking our gaze, saying goodbye. Like I said, what if you saw what was really in my head? What if I suddenly became repulsive? Sometimes the mirror has to remind me that I am not an awkward hideous monster at all, I go back to find you perhaps inadvertantly, and you are long gone. I want to find you always. But when I do I hide and run. You'll never understad this.

You will mistake it for insanity...actually that may be a very accurate assumation. But this is okay for now, for I have written down my thoughts, and that is good. When I talk to other people, you watch me too. i talk to them so you'll watch me, so you'll think: that could be me she's being so nice to..that could be me she's making laugh..that could be me making her laugh, talking with heads so close. Yeah. But it's not.